tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82471344424214836072024-03-13T21:28:36.912-07:00The JagersHere Is The Day To Day Story Of Jagers Meet WorldJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.comBlogger738125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-3185528406316959212015-02-08T09:39:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:39:19.948-08:00Free to love this!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I wrote a piece of work to share at a friends baby shower this week. Writing is never an issue for me. Words flow easily for me. But reading them out loud proves emotional. These specific words were on being a mama...not a rare topic for me...but as i read them my sweet little Grace, who was sitting beside me, curled closer and closer to me and the tears flowed. And then I felt the spirit reminding me that what I was saying was true and worth saying out loud. <br />
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A couple of weeks back I spent some time in Ohio with my sister and her family. I have deemed that specific week in January to be auntie week. My girl Paige being the main event, I have the pleasure of being her nanny for the week. We don't do anything special with our day. We laugh and love and play and nap and change diapers and have bath time and cry and sing. I attempt to soak her into every pore as commuter auntie proves to be one of the hardest titles to hold. The first night I was there I was able to help with her bedtime routine, my sister was giving me the rundown of the order of events when she sheepishly says to me, well we give her a bottle and rock her until she is almost and then we lay her down. She followed with, I know she's one and we probably shouldn't but she likes and to be honest so do we. </div>
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My heart broke in that moment for all mamas and my sister. I know and continue to know those emotions so well. There are so many shoulds and shouldn'ts out there that we loose sight of our freedom to love our babies however we are led to do so. In doing so ensues a constant battle though to adopt our freedom in Jesus. </div>
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As the week progressed I found myself reflecting on my own time as a mama of a one year old, as a mama of toddlers, babies and now. And I realized although I shared some of the same emotions of those with younger ones around me, the causes and roots were much different. I had my babies 12 years ago, and in that time there weren't blogs, facebook, instagram or french kids. My benchmark was set by church ladies, the moms who "did it right", family, and the book What to Expect the First Year. Sure some of that could be discouraging but most of the time it was fairly easy to push unwanted help to the side, absorb what was true and good and keep on truckin.</div>
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Now though Facebook alone is enough to make you question what you are doing. So much mothering is thrown in your face and if it's someones perfect mothering, it's someones perfect complaints about mothering. And now insert the blogs, in recent years there has been a mommy revolution of sorts. One in which gives us the permission to say how much this job really stinks sometimes, to confess how much of struggle it can be, how tired we are all, how its okay to run from our littles in fear and lock ourselves in bathrooms. Some of those things can be liberating I must agree, some of it provides for an unspoken camaraderie that can propel us forward. But maybe what I am noticing more of lately is the ability for that kind of platform to turn into a complaint center. I read way more about moms who truly seem to hate this mom thing. It is easier to rest in weariness than to search for joy. I can make this claim because I know it first hand.</div>
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In that week in Ohio though I was reminded of the other option we are offered though. One that rests in the spirit and is good and full of relief for our weary souls. Perhaps the most life changing piece of this truth is simple gospel that we all have access to wether you are a mama or not. We are free to love simply because we ourselves our loved. I am convinced that my role as mama is the most sanctifying role I have ever experienced. It requires a great deal more of Jesus than I am even able to claim. But without Him or the option of the sanctification it would seem a lot more like failure simply because any redemption of my own failure would be off of the table. </div>
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There will days you feel like you are doing it all wrong, in fact you may in fact be doing it wrong. There will be days that love is a far reach and your is more that of a lion tamer with a strong whip and a ravenous lion who hasn't been fed....ever. Being a mama of a newborn is long and hard. There is a lot of screaming and poop, lets be honest. But what I can tell you in retrospect 12 years later is this, there will be a day when you realize you could have cared less about what french kids did, when you weaned your baby, if he or she had a binky, slept in your bed for the first year (or 10), whether you breastfed or bottle fed or if you had an epidural or not, or if you were trying to get your kid to poop on the potty just so they could go to preschool. Those days are long but far shorter than you could ever imagine. Being a mom is the single greatest thing that I could have ever hoped to do, I wish I could have had a dozen more. My babies are nearly as tall as I am now, Neither of them need to be rocked to sleep or nursed to sleep. </div>
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There have been times I have questioned my love for them. In those early days I prayed that God would show me what it really looked like to truly love them and he covered that prayer and my longing with his grace. Showing me in time that I did in fact love my littles. Because every time I hold another baby it is very easy for me to draw from the love God gave me for the pair of them. And my friends may be the most redeeming thing I have experienced as a mother. Because I know my ability to love even my own children takes a great deal of Jesus every single day. I wish this realization would have come to me a decade ago. I would have spent far less time feeling shame and guilt and the need to make everything perfect for my kiddos all of the time. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-24238952942176222662015-01-15T09:21:00.003-08:002015-01-15T09:21:26.912-08:00Grace Upon Grace<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Its been an interesting couple of months around here. There has been much need for grace as we navigate a large area of new territory. I started a new medication a couple of months ago that did nothing short of lay me out. Some of the best days were the ones where I found myself in the bathtub twice in the span of twenty four hours, I never knew how thankful I would be for that green mass of cast iron. But overtime it has gotten easier and my body seems to be responding to the treatment and I am getting over the need to have a body that is not broken. <div>
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However the road in between then and now has been bumpy. After a particularly hard day I confessed to Brian that I was not only feeling horrible physically but I was failing to see a point to all of this. If I could not do the things that I felt I had been called to do, if I had to fail and struggle to get through my day, how was any of this worth it. And as soon as the confession slipped past my lips the realization became quite clear that what I was rejecting was not in fact the illness or the weakness but the one person who was reaching out to pull me up and out of that self made bed of pity and self righteousness as I so badly wanted out. Brian quickly blanketed me in what was truth, reminding me that my point here on this badly broken earth was not to be well in my own right, was not be able to serve and to do what I had declared as my own calling, but it is in fact that I hold on to the one thing that will forever remain to be an option, and that is that I would have the ability to be discipled and disciple others. Not because of my own ability, not my own understanding, not my own strength or even my own weakness, but because someone came to save me from all of that crap!!!! I have no need to be well. Ton of bricks, those words hit me like a ton of bricks.</div>
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Two weeks back I had sent Grace to brush her teeth (on a saturday, how dare I;) she grumbled past me and went downstairs to declare to her brother that I was in fact a poopyhead....this is Graces ultimate naughty word:) Of course being the "good" son that he is, he promptly came to repeat what he had heard. Here is where you may be surprised, I really couldn't care less about my children respecting me out of my own need to be respected. In fact their emotions are welcome. I do not want there obedience to me to be zombie like or a simple reaction to the sound of my voice. I do not need this. But I do ache and long for them to know Jesus love for them and if he determines me to be a worthy vessel to show them love and mercy and grace that stems from only Him who gives it to me first than so be it. And that is where I pray that I will see there response to me rooted, in Jesus. Because lets face it, I am failing at this mom thing daily and so I can not expect that they wouldn't think I was a poopyhead every now and again. But we had to talk about said words, and she was able to say what her little heart was feeling. But perhaps what happened next was where the meat and potatoes would lie. She said, "Mom, I just keep praying that God would make me better, that he would help me to be good." and that friends was a dagger to my heart. And the spirit immediately filled the space as these words came from my lips,"Oh dear one you are so loved. Your prayer need not be that God would make you good but that you would realize everyday how incredibly loved and forgiven and accepted you are as you reach for Jesus. That in him you will find an ability to take on His light and cast off your need to be good." This was not the conversation I had prepared in my head two minutes before she appeared from the basement. </div>
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Folks my hope has rested for years in my ability to be good, to be better. To be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, friend. My own body had become an idol rather than a temple for Jesus to rest. Striving for health rather than restoration in the one who heals. And my daughters confession was truly the nail in the coffin for that way of living. I love so much being a mama! It is continually a wrestling match, a collision of my sin and that of my children. But the God does not waste anything in my own mothering the spirit is repeatedly taking the reigns to navigate the brokeness and with that comes healing.</div>
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Very fortunately I know these simple interactions are only a piece of my healing. I am a long way from completion and perhaps that is where our true hope lies. That HE is not finished with us.</div>
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I had a dear friend remind me of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY">this</a> song a few weeks back. I wanted so badly to believe these words. I wanted so badly to rest in the truth in which they speak of. But sometimes that can't happen until other pieces of the puzzle are found are provided. Gods timing is not only perfect but complete.</div>
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Dear ones you are so loved. Rest in that and walk in love!!</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-37027240267033411072014-11-26T17:24:00.002-08:002014-11-26T17:24:19.049-08:00The Table<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As of late I have realized that our dining room table is showing the wear and tear of 10 years upon its surfaces. There are dings and dents, bumps and bruises, the upholstery is ripping in spots and the edges of the chairs are bearing marks of being pushed into far. Theres a chunk missing on the bottom of one of the leaves where Ruby got bored as a puppy and decided to give it a whirl as a chew toy. <div>
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I would easily say we have had more than a thousand people sit at that table over the last decade. That table has heard laughter and tears, been subject to make an instrument with what you have at the table time, housed game boards and paperwork, not to mention the amount of meals it has sat under. We have had birthdays, taco nights, soup feeds, thanksgivings, friendsgivings, Christmas dinners and the like served around it. We have at times had upwards of 20 people stacked around it, many times in dining rooms much to small to the untrained eye. It holds secrets and stories. </div>
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And so when realizing that maybe it's time to replace or refurbish our table it has brought up much thought and reflection. I have asked myself many questions about why we have had so many people in our house over the years. I have wondered why I do not remember stress or anxiety in feeding mouthes or in some cases doing dishes for days? Why what I remember most is the joyous and treasured time we have spent around it? I can remember specific tears and specific laughter. I remember specific meals and menus. Faces and family and babies and children. I remember more than I remembered that I did at first. And it brings so much thankfulness to my father in heaven for always giving us more than we have deserved. For preparing us to be people who love and desire to share.</div>
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There have been questions from others too in the past about the amount of people we have in our home on a regular basis. How do you afford the food alone? Don't we get tired? Don't we need to be alone? The questions go on and on.</div>
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The answer to this is maybe more complicated than not. I have shared before how we feel about our home in relation to others. I have shared our vision for our home and the like. I can tell you that we have been provided for over and over again to share even more each and every time I feel like it may be tight. Sometimes we can afford to have nachos and other times we can have prime rib, either way I know that it does not matter much what we are having though its more about the time spent and the memories created and shared. Sure we get tired sometimes, never resentful though. There have been nights that I catch myself putting on an evening pot of coffee while I pray for the spirit to be present in our home, reminding myself through prayer that I do not need to be the one to carry the evening, all I am doing is providing a place for others to receive. As Jagers we have found that although alone time can be good and beneficial, we feel extremely and wholly called to a life of togetherness, a life of shared community. We want our children to grow up with a noisy house full of people that we love knowing that they can be loved amongst what is sometimes organized chaos. </div>
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There is something quite magical that can happen when you share a meal. There is so much sharing that can go on when you are all able and sometimes forced to sit around a table and stare at one another. There is so little time to do that these days. And I believe that it becomes more sacred all the time. </div>
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We have opportunity in our homes to share what we have so sweetly been given. There are very lovely things that can happen when you invite others into to your home with Jesus in mind. Two themes I pray over when people are in our home, receive and experience. We invite people in so they can share and receive in what we have been given, not just in our things or our food but in our salvation too. We invite people in so they can experience the great love we have been given and share out of response to our redemption. That doesn't mean that things are ever perfect, in fact that isn't even the benchmark we are shooting for. It means that it is real and often raw. If you are at my table I am loving you the same as I love my little family, that means you are welcome to all I have to give. You are not a guest you are family! There are no orphans here. </div>
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The things that hold us back from sharing are often rooted in our belief that we are fatherless. The belief that things need to be a certain way. That are homes need to be spotless, that we need to be able to cook, that we need to have time to prepare, that we need to have more money, that we need a bigger house or space. But I can tell you after many years of having my house full to the brim more times than not in many different financial situations, in small houses and in big ones, when housekeeping wasn't a strength and when it was more of a possible priority, that the spirit is not picky. He need nothing more than what you have already been given to work with. Waiting may provide you with the things you think you need but your heart will not change on its own. You will need a savior for that job. You will need a realization of all of the gifts you have been given and death to your own needs and wants and desires. Because when people come into your home they won't always be gracious or helpful, they will break things and make messes and you will have the opportunity to love them anyways. And not because you yourself are naturally kind, or humble or gracious but because you have been loved and cared for by someone who made great sacrifice to do so. And that is when the true blessing will be felt.</div>
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I love our table, I love our home but more importantly I love the one who gave us all of it!<br /></div>
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Happy Thanksgiving Friends! I am thankful for each of you and pray that your home or the one you are invited to this year is full of the spirit. That you can enter into it with less expectation and more gratefulness, less need and more to give, with a posture that is ready to receive and experience from the one who gave it all. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-4710186181508281512014-11-19T14:08:00.000-08:002014-11-19T14:08:34.757-08:00I walk in, I walk out<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A few times a year I have an appointment. And appointment to talk about my body.<div>
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Over the years I have learned that if I don't bring something to keep my eyes and ears and mind and fingers busy I will work myself into a tizzy while I wait. I walk with purpose, keep my eyes forward and I check myself in. Name, birthdate, fill out the aches and pains questionnaire, answer questions such as-do you have trouble getting yourself dressed? Do you have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel your diagnosis affects your daily life?- Pay my copay, Back to the waiting room, sit down. Before I walk into the office I am a 32 year old woman, who lives life without much complaint, is thankful for all that she has, a woman grateful that she can cling to a savior instead of her own understanding. I don't identify myself with my diagnosis, I am in pain everyday period....there isn't a whole lot of thought put into the pain thing, its part of my life period. When I walk into the office though I am faced with my reality, I am surrounded by folks usually at least 30 years my senior, white hair, canes, hobbling, all of the things I feel but do not say, do not speak because they are true for me too but I very much would rather pretend that they are not. I walk out of the office stifling tears, speaking disgust to myself and resenting the truth. I deny love for myself in that area and by the time I reach the car I have convinced myself that in order to move forward I will just be stronger, work harder, stand taller. </div>
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I am a shover by nature, things that hurt, things that are uncomfortable, things that make me feel weak or out of control are often shoved. Shoved and hidden. Some of this comes out of my past need to survive, some comes from my need to appear strong, some is because i hate being taken care of, and some or a lot of it comes from pride. And the cause of these appointments is one of things I shove very well. </div>
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There hasn't been a day in the last 9 years that I haven't been in pain. My original diagnosis was Rheumatoid Arthritis. The name or label didn't really matter to me because I wasn't going to rest in it. I wasn't going to let myself simply just live with that "opinion" I was going to fight it. Because if I acted as if the pain wasn't there, if I lived a life that was healthy and "good" than surely I could escape the reality. I mean someone who exercises regularly, runs half marathons, eats organic-locally sourced food, avoids packages and preservatives and fills up on leafy greens, couldn't possibly be affected by an auto-immune disease. Right???? And so I ran, and I threw out a freezer worth of packaged foods and I learned to cook well and proper. And the denial, it worked partially, inflammation is very effectively treated with diet and exercise and in the beginning those things provided a very great amount of relief. But then I got injured a few times and my Dr. said no more long distance running, less than 7 miles. And so I would run 6 miles instead of 10 and I continued to eat well and that carried on for some time. Every time I went for my check up the Dr. would suggest remedy for my inflammation that was out of control and medications were discussed and treatment plans were laid out and I would listen do my duty in the imaging world and move forward. Denial became comfortable and resting in my own understanding became easy. I continually refused all treatment, stating that when it became a need and the side effects were outweighed by my condition we could explore it more fully. I became my own hero. </div>
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Than the past year happened. My lower spine and hips began to hurt something furious, I couldn't sit or stand or lay down without pain. And pushing through, pretending became more difficult. Sleep was non existent, I was feeling the pressure of my inability to accept myself. I had reached a point of taking 600mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours and that was just taking the edge off. I had reached the point I had spoke of so many times and although I had told myself I would be ready and that I would take care of myself, the truth in that was hard to stomach and the pattern of fighting continued. The summer before last I was still traveling back and forth across the state to my previous rheumatologist. At my last appointment my Dr. said you have got to come to grips with your diagnosis, You have to take care of yourself, the exhaustion and fighting to accept what you think you want to be true has to stop. I came back to spokane and I made an appointment with a new Dr. On my first visit he looked through my chart and looked at me and said you are a brand new patient today, we are going to start completely from scratch. </div>
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Over the last months I have learned that i do not in fact have RA. I have a genetic abnormality that causes issues in my lower spine and sacrum. It is in fact very much part of me. It is very much something that I can not change stop or get rid of. There is no pretending, it is in my genes. And I resent the hell out of that. Most days I do not have a great outlook about it, most days I do not want people to know I struggle with chronic pain, most days I do not want to go to the Dr. regularly and further more I do not want to be part of any treatment plan that includes medication. I've been so incredibly good at taking care of my body, I don't do drugs, drink to much or smoke, I eat properly and stay active, I'm not overweight or lazy. I've been good! But the truth is I was created this way from the day I was born I had this abnormality. And so no amount of my striving or justifying why I should not be experiencing this will provide me with a different outcome.</div>
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This past summer though that had to change. I had a very real appointment with my Dr. after having a very real conversation with my husband. Things are continually getting harder for me to hide, there are more days that getting out of bed hurts and hurts bad, if I sit for any amount of time I resemble that of one of those people in the Dr.'s office, I hobble and have to loosen up. I've had to cancel plans on occasion to sit in the tub or just lay on the couch. So the question has come up, Is it worth it. Is pretending that I've got this more important than treating my body with medication? Were my choices actually doing me more harm? What was going to win my pride or my need to care for my body? So I walked into that office and asked my Dr. those hard questions and he replied, yes you are causing harm. And so we formed a treatment plan I agreed to follow, I was prescribed a medication and agreed to take it. And it hasn't been easy, and I still catch myself fighting it. I still catch myself trying to claim a different reality.</div>
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I have a friend, the farmer, she has been telling me for years that the tree of life is not self-pruning. I have rejected her statement, knowing full well its true but not wanting it to be true for me. Hoping that I would be the exception not the rule. My prayer though lately would be that I would accept that truth that I preach in every other area of my life in this area too. I don't get to be in charge of my weakness, I can not combat it on my own, my sin is not solved on its own, and I can't simply ignore it and be a good girl as I walk away. Nope....I have many options thats true. There is one though that is actually going to provide relief. I can lay this resentment, this weakness at the foot of the cross and I can take my eyes off it and look up in order to see the face of a creator who loves me and accepts me wholly and completely. I can move forward boldly knowing that it is part of me of me but it doesn't define me any more than the red hair upon my head. That someone died for me specifically so I would not have to be self absorbed in worry and resentment. </div>
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And so the cats out of the bag. I am in pain daily. My body hurts and I often feel weak. I am currently waiting to get prescriptions for a weekly series of shots that will combat that pain, inflammation and weakness. And my dealing with it signifies a love for a creator that made me with a plan and a purpose. He is strong so that I am able to be weak. And when my resentment takes over I can remind myself that I am free from a need to prove my worthiness for good things. I will never be worthy on my own right. Jesus died so that I would know that I am so very loved and accepted for who I am, And out of that I can love and accept myself for who I am. </div>
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I walk forward as I do when I was pretending there was nothing wrong a 32 year old woman, who lives life without much complaint, is thankful for all that she has, a woman grateful that she can cling to a savior instead of her own understanding. A woman who can be bold and transparent. And admit that sometimes stuff is tough and acceptance for myself is a struggle but I am not alone. I am free from striving, free from proving, free from earning. Loved, broken and completely renewed.</div>
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Walk in love friends- You too have been set free from your earthly woes. You have a way out that is so far beyond your own understanding.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-44358958847759835102014-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:002014-11-06T10:14:05.508-08:00Hey Weird Kid,I See You.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You are worth it. Those 4 words would make a difference in most kids life. They would have made a difference in mine. They make a difference for my kids. And they are very much Gods heart for each of us. "Hey weird kid, I see you and you were worth the sacrifice."<div>
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I was a weird kid. I was a weird kid that never fit in. That was separated by my life experience at a very young age. Wounded and broken. Serious and intense. Wise beyond my years. Those were the polite words that people would use to describe me or my situation as a child. And for most of my life I believed that it was just me. That my experience was what set me apart. I tried hiding from myself, hiding my story, "acting normal", keeping silent, being invisible. What I realize now is that people use those words for things they do not understand. They make up phrases to cover their misunderstanding, their judgement, their own guilt for how they really feel. I was not set apart in this. I was not a victim of my life experience, I was not a victim at all. In fact there was nothing that happened to me that was not seen by my Father in heaven. </div>
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In most of life we are only as different as we allow ourselves to be. Because we are unaware of what connects us all in the first place. We are unaware that we were created on purpose, that God determined us worthy when we were merely only a thought in his mind, before were even born.</div>
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Being weird though in the worlds eyes or being seen differently has the ability to wreck you. It can easily typecast you. It can easily stunt you if you believe in the category. It can easily become truth in your heart.</div>
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My son Elliot has been viewed as the above. Much if not all of his life. He has dealt with bullying, judgement, being left out, and the like on more than one occasion. By kids, by teachers, by other parents, by strangers. Subsequently I have seen him deal with this in a number of ways. I have seen him cry, lash out, act in the way those expect simply to prove them right, remove himself from fun and I've watched him become as others describe...wise beyond his years. I have heard him describe himself in ungodly ways, I have heard him repeat the description others have placed on him, I have heard him tell me that his life is not worth living. He is 11. But the good is equally real and over the last year I have seen beauty come from ashes. He is sensitive to the needs of others, willing to help the underdog, loving and kind beyond measure, and accepting of just about anyone. He is smart and wise, tender and good. </div>
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This isn't my rebuttal to the world or my declaration of my son as a victim. It may be my declaration that we miss out. That when we judge some as different often times it becomes bad overnight. We often times categorize these people as not worth the time, not worth the effort, exhausting, and unworthy. And my favorite weird! </div>
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I could give you the argument of weird people make the world go 'round. I could name countless "famous" folks that were considered weird or outcast. I could tell you that we are missing out by typecasting the fortunate who are bold enough to be who God created them to be, but I assure most "weird" people would rather just fit in. Because thats what society says we should do.</div>
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But mostly I want to tell you that God has purpose in each of us, you were made on purpose. And God sees your tears, he sees you when you are left out, he sees you when you are judged. He wants you to know that you belong, that you are wanted, and that you were worth the sacrifice of His son on the cross. </div>
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I went to my sons conference last night. We just finished a couple of years of tumultuous experience of schooling. Home was fine the public sector was less than. I became shell shocked by the amount of complaints I heard about my son each week at school. It was hard. It was real. He did not fit in. Some of it was on him, some of it was on others. Some of it was on me. So this year when we decided to put Elliot back in the school system I was more than worried. I was petrified. Brian and I had prayed and pondered and prayed some more and felt led to send him and so we did. I have prayed until I have had no words left to pray each and every morning, that he would be loved, that he would be accepted, that he would be heard and seen and known. And God has softened my heart to realize that Elliot was already loved, accepted, heard, seen and known and he is worthy. Praise be to God. When I walked into that school last night I went expecting the worst - its a theme for me- and what I heard humbled and blessed my heart. There weren't any complaints, in fact the words were....Elliot is a perfect addition to our class, he is helpful and kind, the first one to offer a hand. And my son beamed. I remembered and reminded myself that God is good in the good and the bad. He was good through the complaints and he was good when we received praise. </div>
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The difference of me expecting the worst last night compared to times in the past was I did not need those words from Elliot's teachers to validate how I felt about my son. He did not need them to define his worth. God had taken care of my heart through the hard times. And had we not gone through the amount of judgement and hardship we have gone through over the years I am not sure that moment would have rung as sweet. Because without the hardship I rest assured that there would have been far less talk of Jesus in our house, the credit would have been easier to accept as our own. There would have been far less vulnerability and tears in my home, which would have left less room for God to dig in deep. And the healing...oh the healing. There has been much. And what I am left with is an immense faith in the one who truly heals. The one who determined our worth so long ago. </div>
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God created us all weird, because we were all created incredibly different on purpose, but in that we can find that we have far more in common. We have the same creator who looks at us and says you are beautiful, you are loved, you were created for good, on purpose, I see you, and you are worthy. And that folks is our identity, those are the words we get to walk around with, that not only describe us but save us from the judgement of this world. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-10237535886586471292014-11-05T10:16:00.003-08:002014-11-05T10:16:48.920-08:00On Love and the Crazy that comes with it.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The longer that I am married the more I realize that the times I feel most loved, the times when I feel like my husband is most for me are very rarely found in grand gestures or perfectly planned out romantic evenings....although I love those things too. Real life does not leave much time for those sorts of things to take place regularly. I find the most love and the most acceptance in Brian knowing me and loving me anyway. <br />
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We are all quite unlovable on our own right, aren't we? We are most often selfish and self-seeking, it is easier to take care of ourselves than to allow our hearts to be loved by another because there is risk involved there. I mean what if we are let down, hurt, mistreated, not thought of....what if? I have lived a lot of time in the what if. It has at times made me a hard person at best. An untrusting, self protected, crippled woman. Much of that baggage and response was created from relationships with others too not my relationship with my husband. My natural tendency to self protect and hide has caused a lot of damage to that man and in the end to myself. But we are learning. </div>
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I am finding the more I allow myself to be loved by Jesus the more I can allow Brian to love me. And the more Jesus can be found in the center of our marriage as well. The more Jesus is in the center of our marriage the more I can more fully love my husband. It all seems so simple. The truth is the last couple of years have been anything but. There have been a lot of torn scars and scraped out hearts. Confession and honest humbleness has been granted and given and that has been hard. Pride has had to melt and I have had to come to grips with how awfully sinful I really am on more than one occasion.</div>
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This morning I woke up to the sound of water, this is very rarely a good thing. Brian had left extremely early for Boise and I was alone. And now I had a roof leak, awesome. But then I smelled the most pleasing aroma and that roof leak turned into the smell of coffee coming from down the hallway. My first response was fear, my second feeling was love. It was a simple gesture anyone could set the self timer to make sure that they have coffee in the morning. But my husband took an opportunity this morning to make me a pot of coffee because he knew it would bless me. Not to earn anything because he will be gone just simply to bless me. To most this may seem mundane maybe but to me it made me feel like the most loved woman on the planet.</div>
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You see the Jagers are entering into their 13th retail holiday season. I know that not everyone can relate to this but I think the holiday season alone and all that comes with it can be a common thread in what I will share here. The holiday season for us does not bring a ton of parties and joy and all of that what it does bring are countless hours of work, unrealistic sales goals, crazy schedules and not a lot of family time. In most ways we are used to it, we know what to expect, but can't say it is very comfortable. And I can not most honestly say I do not handle it with a lot of any grace. <br />
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About 6 weeks ago I started feeling the affects of PTSD. I felt myself beginning to self protect, to prepare my heart to not feel in order to push through. But I could feel the spirit prompting me to pray, to ask for something different and as I did, my heart began to soften. And the prayers that came out were not for my survival but for my husbands. I began to pray that he would not feel the incessant tugging that comes from both sides of his life. Work and family. That he would feel love and acceptance, that he would rest in the truth that he has been given, that he would not feel the need to strive but that he would feel the peace that comes from his salvation in Jesus. I prayed that the spirit would remind me of my own freedoms when I would feel the need to nag and complain or pressure. <br />
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The blessings that have been poured on us and through us in the last six weeks have been immense. My tendency to first love and accept, to forgive as God forgives, to not hold grudges or base my actions off of past experience has been freeing to both of us. As I allow the grace of God to fill in my wounds and holes and cracks and crevices the grace is more freely given to those around me. Because its not about me anymore or what I need, its about Jesus and what I have been given. And it feels incredible to even be able to say those words but even more to mean them. When wrapped in the spirit I have need for nothing more. <br />
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And so even though a pot of coffee would seem like something so small. To me it was an incredibly sweet act of love as I know that making a pot of coffee for someone else at 4:30 am is not an easy thing. I know that for my husband when he gets out of bed he is for all intensive purposes already at work. It was two seconds he took to bless me before he entered into the other half of his life, his work. Because it wasn't about him in that moment. <br />
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This posture is so much more valuable to me than a ten step process to be a better wife. Truth is I pretty much stink at it on my own. And if there was a ten step list I would only feel more failure as I am positive I would fail all ten steps at one time or another. Without Jesus my love for Brian is easily all about me and what I receive, with Jesus my love for Brian is all about Jesus love for Brian and what has been done for him on the cross. <br />
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I am sure to many of you this seems simple. I pray that you would know that if you too struggle with these things that you are not bound by your failure to love. You are freely forgiven and not expected to get your poop in a group. You are free to love others because you are incredibly loved and sought after. God never once has turned his back on you. You can love your spouse out of this very place and it will not be easy but it will be good and full.<br />
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The disclaimer here is that I am by no means an expert on any of this. It is a daily struggle to claim this truth. But I am thankful and humbled by the forgiveness I receive daily as I struggle to accept the love I am given to move forward. And for a husband that loves me in light of it all. We are not perfect and I am so very glad! <br />
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Walk in love friends you are loved enough that someone died for you, not for the perfect put together you. But the severely broken and sinful you. You were loved in your very darkest state to be loved into the brightest light imaginable. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-89759678479874665822014-10-01T21:26:00.000-07:002014-10-01T21:26:31.335-07:00On our own.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When we went into our home buying process here in Spokane we went into it with all sorts of desires and hopes and false senses of pride. One of which was that we were so happy to be able to do this on our own. We are in a place financially that we are able to make these sorts of commitments, we had money stored away, we had wits about us to make wise decisions, you know we had it all figured out ;) And per the usual as soon as we decided to depend on our own understanding we started to drown. And then we remembered to pray. Confessing such things is quite humbling, I am free from shame but quick to remind myself that there is not any amount of time that I can be free form the arms of Jesus. <div>
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The first thing that happened was that our timing wasn't working in our favor. We had no place to live. We had come to the understanding that I would move home with our parents and the kids and Brian would couch surf in Spokane. This was unnerving, it didn't feel right for us to live separately, in fact it felt to the core wrong. But what were we to do? I am a fairly open person and do not hide from sharing our story, but I am not a very vulnerable....asking for help has not ever and does not still come easily to me. And so asking anyone here in Spokane for a place to stay seemed like a major inconvenience. And like I said before we had it all figured out. We were able to do this on our own, so to be perfectly honest asking for help was far from our minds. </div>
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But God knew better. </div>
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One morning before our gathering service on a Sunday my friend looked up from his place of prayer and point blank asked me what was on my mind. That was rough. I couldn't hide, I couldn't change the subject and it was so far out of my control that the words - we don't have a place to live - fell from my lips. What came next was harder. What came next was a gift I couldn't escape. My friend Scott replied - you can live with us - . Now I must tell you my friend Scott has a wife and 3 small boys, they already had another couple living with them, they already had another family on the back burner waiting for the aforementioned couple to move out and on top of it all we weren't even friends at this point. And what I began to learn then about this family (the Cooleys) and what I know to be very true now is they have big hearts, they have much faith, they are broken, lovely, and humble people. And that rolled over me that morning. And we said okay. We were supposed to live there for two weeks, instead we ended up living there for six. We lived upstairs, we lived in the basement and then we moved upstairs again, to make room for others. People would ask sarcastically - how's that going? - can I stop here and ask why we do this? Why do we ask people questions hoping to hear negative, hoping to get dirt, instead of simply loving and encouraging? My reply was always the same - this is great, we love the Cooleys, it couldn't possibly be better - . And let me tell you why. In those 6 weeks God made room for us to cut off the rest of our lives, to live with another family and not only share meals but share life. We had nothing but our beds and our clothes with us and we literally made ourselves at home. Through our experience we learned to pray together, laugh together, spur each other on, speak truth to one another, and love one anothers children. And to be perfectly honest some of the most broken places of my heart were healed in that place. I will forever hold those 6 weeks in a special place in my memory to draw truth to support my purpose here. My purpose being to live in the light of God's glory, proclaiming the good news not only for the benefit of myself but for others, humbly praying that the one hope we have will be apparent and true and evident in our lives not just in our own goodness, but also in our failing that others may see us cling to Jesus for forgiveness and strength to move on. Our time at the Cooleys was very much that. </div>
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The second thing that happened was financial. Over the weeks the bank changed the amount of money they would need to close our loan four times. Each time the number grew and it became evident that once again our savings would be gone. It was very clear that we couldn't do this whole new house thing on our own. Most people have reacted with the idea that that would be a sign to not move forward. I am not sure that it is my place to decipher the will of God. I can tell you his presence had been so very palpable through this whole process. We saw him provided over and over again. He had already begun growing our heart for our new neighborhood. But in the end there wasn't anymore magic money showing up, the tree had been picked clean by the time we got there ;) And to make matters worse or maybe better in the end we found that we couldn't go back to where we started, we were at a point that if we gave up on the loan we would lose all of the money we put in and not that it matters because money is money but it was quite a sizable amount. And so once again I believe we were shown that we wouldn't be doing this on our own. I don't know when we will be too old to ask for help in fact I am not sure that we are supposed to ever be too old to ask for help. What we needed was a very short term loan for a very specific amount of money. And so we prayed heartily that our pride would be melted and we sent out an SOS. I can tell you that in the end we were leant what we needed and very shortly there after the money appeared in some pretty unexpected ways and we were able to pay the money back. But the true gift wasn't in the leant money it was in the knowledge and the ability to ask for help. We knew that it was safe and if the answer was no it didn't mean anything. In family we have the freedom and the safety to ask. In family we have been taught that we can freely give, we can freely share, and freely love each other with all that we have. And we felt this in a very real way.</div>
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And so the story of our little house is a big one, one that delivers much glory to our father in heaven. A story that is full of repentance, redemption, giving, gratitude and love. What a wonderful story to start a new chapter with. We are called to live in community. God calls us to use all of the gifts each of us have been given to build one another up, to help grow his body of believers, to love one another to point each other to him. And the only way this can happen is if we accept the love that he has given each of us to be able to further love one another freely without expectation. There is no place in the word that it says we should be able to do this life on our own. </div>
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PHOTO CREDIT TM BRIAN JAGER</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-26529745558374364032014-09-22T14:24:00.000-07:002014-09-22T14:24:05.532-07:00On Buying a House<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So we bought a house in Spokane. There are markedly pieces of this story missing. I am struggling with writing about some of the most lovely parts of this story because I very much want them to be felt not just read and stored away. The last months are nothing short of Gods very goodness stretching us and blessing us beyond our wildest dreams and writing them down here for you to read rather than inviting you into my living room to hear the very tales seems like I am selling them short. So please come over and sit and I will start from the beginning.<br />
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_6148_zps8e516e18.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_6148_zps8e516e18.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_6148_zps8e516e18.jpg" /></a>In true Jager fashion we found our house in two weeks time. However the journey was not easy. We felt challenged in what we "should" choose based on preconceived ideas and emotions versus what we now claim to be true in our lives. When we bought our first house nearly 10 years ago we searched for pretty yards, white picket fences, nice neighborhoods and the like. We found all of that, added a dog and two kids and started what I thought was a fairytale and it really was in so many ways. And so when we started looking this time we began looking for the same thing. We wanted something that "made sense." We wanted something that I would ashamedly say would bring us pride and represented who we were. </div>
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Maybe I should start off by telling you when we moved to Spokane 2 years ago we shopped for our house based on what we could afford and also fit our family as at the time we needed room for my grandma too. So we ended up renting a nearly 5000sq ft house that overlooked the entire city. It was beautiful but over time I began to resent that poor house. I hated the looks on peoples face when they came in the front door, I hated the attention it brought, I hated the ideas of our financial situation it gave to people. And really us Jagers are not McMansion people. We are people that value community, we like to be able to commune and love on people with our house. I want you to feel like you can throw open our fridge and grab yourself a beer, spill milk in our living room without feeling shame and put your feet up on the coffee table. And that house made that difficult. </div>
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So the hunt began. I knew I wanted at least 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I wanted room for people to come and stay, but I wanted it to be comfortable and cozy too. We saw all sorts of houses big, small and in the middle. Fixer uppers, and finished and when we thought we found the house I came home and felt sick. Although many of our motives were for good things, and very much not for own benefit I realized what I was searching for was not aligned with the newness we have adopted for our lives here in Spokane. I had failed to pray and really ask God to show us where he wanted us to be. What i wanted was safety, in Christ we are safe. What I wanted was home, in Jesus my home will never be here in this place. What I wanted was pride, without giving Jesus every part of me I am nothing. What I wanted was beauty, without Jesus my heart will not only be ugly but empty. And so we prayed. We prayed with humble hearts knowing that once we opened that door we would have no choice but to follow his leading. Half longing to be free from our own desires but half afraid to see how he would answer. And in time it was very clear where we were supposed to be in the Shadle neighborhood, where we would be close to those that we love. In a place that we could truly love our neighbors and hopefully be light and love to them.</div>
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Here are some observations others have made as they have watched this take place. Wow, this isn't anything I would have thought you would choose. Did Brian lose his job? Are you guys okay? Why there, why Shadle? And I will tell you these questions do not offend, but they comfort because they give me opportunity to share the good news of Jesus with those who are bold enough to ask. The truth is I don't know and you are right, in the past we would have run from Shadle. This makes me sad and has created a deep repentance in me, but it has also brought me joy that I have been delivered out of a sin that was very deep within me. The sin and wanting to not only keep up with the Joneses but be them. The thought that what I need is to be comfortable not just content. The idea that what I need to be me is to be surrounded by people who have the same values and desires as I do. Well you know what I did that for the first decade of our marriage and it didn't work out the greatest. It looked awesome but it didn't always feel awesome. </div>
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So when you drive into our neighborhood you will be greeted by the sights of folks living life. Some of them care about their yards, some don't. If it is past 3pm you will probably see the two guys a couple of blocks down working on their go carts and taking Coors light breaks on their folding chairs in the front yard. You won't be able to miss our neighbor across the street with his lime green race car that he parks in the yard to wash and dry. There is a young couple that lives next door with a toddler and a dog whose bark is reminiscent of Cujo, there house belonged to her grandmother and they have a gate in their backyard to allow them access to their parents yard directly behind ours. There is a man who walks his dog without any shoes every morning. And another that walks with a stick that I assume is meant for self defense but I haven't asked him yet so I don't know maybe he just likes the weight of it in his hand. A woman who walks with 3 young kids who seems nervous to return my hello but I am determined to continually show her love in that every time I see her. And so far I have counted 11 people who have stopped to read the sign on our front door, I think half wondering if it is a declaration or an invitation (its both). At first glance I can see the need for confusion from our friends and loved ones. But in my heart I know we are right where God wants us. I am humbled that I am loved enough to go forward with living here, and in the beginning I too was wary of what we had done. But I can truly say that I know if I am honest of how this all transpired we have done nothing. All honor and love and praise is to him who calls us His own.</div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_3464_zps3bf083ac.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_3464_zps3bf083ac.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_3464_zps3bf083ac.jpg" /></a>So what does life look like for the Jagers now that we are here? You may notice I did not mention the names of the folks above. We are praying to change that. We desire to not only know our neighbors but to have them in our home and in our lives. Praying that amongst our shortcomings Jesus would be able to be that much more strong as we move forward with pressing in. That Jesus would be present and recognizable and not because of us or our own greatness but because of the love he has for us. That we may live transparently and openly, realizing that none of us deserves a place to belong but in him we all have access to family. And so we have made several pledges or commitments to put us in deeper contact. Everything we do regularly...groceries, the gym, schools for the kids, and the like is done within 10 minutes of our front door and hopefully within the Shadle neighborhood, this is limiting in some ways but also so good for us to build community. We meet with two other couples and their children once a week to support one another in one anothering. Praying that God would use us to not only further the love of his kingdom but to support one another in life. To pray with and for one another in the mundane and the unreal, to spur one another on amongst weakness in hopes of pointing each other to the cross so that it can become larger and more real. We remind one another of the truth that Jesus is real and his sacrifice was large and we are simply here to bring His glory to light and to life. And all of this folks sounds real good on paper but in all truth it is real hard. That doesn't take away from its greatness though. </div>
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I know you all want to know about the house and from my above description you are probably expecting the worst. It is not a janky little house as I once called it. My heart is continually changing as I seek more of Jesus. What we bought is material it is simply a house but it also where we welcome people in to share the love that we have been so freely given. It is a 1954 brick rambler. In all actuality it is a u shape brick with a basement. It has extra bedrooms and two bathrooms. It is lovely and warm and Jesus has blessed it already with comfort even though I am completely content with all that he has given me thus far. We have already started ripping down walls to make it more livable. One of things we desired was to be able to welcome others in, to be able to give folks a soft place to land or a family to be adopted into, super ambiguous but we already have a girl that wants to move in in January while she does an internship here. So in preparation for our first tenant we are adding on an extra bathroom to provide a bit more space for coexistence. And I would be lying to say I am not excited about all of this. We have fireplaces and original hardwoods and a tiny little kitchen with appliances that are much to big but fit our needs quite well. The backyard is dead and there are cosmos growing in the place of the grass that used to reign there. The front yard is shaded with the love of a giant oak that is inhabited by squirrels. The grass in the front is green and lush, I love to mow it. </div>
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We are happy and most pleased with all that has transpired. I know I talk of much change in our hearts, and friends from the past years are quick to email me and remind me that the old us was loved and appreciated. And so I must say that I have no condemnation for myself , I love myself more than I ever possibly could have but it is all by his grace that I have the ability to say those words. All I had or I did before was to simply earn my place in the kingdom to prove my goodness and worthiness for a place at the table. And honestly it doesn't look much different from the outside. Except that all that I have and all that I do is out of response for the forgiveness I myself have been given and we all have been offered. I am free from shame and free to live. </div>
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More to come on marriage, and friendship and mothering and love. It will continue to be real.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-81975495372959554352014-07-22T12:20:00.000-07:002014-07-22T12:20:35.402-07:00Suckin the marrow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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And so it's been a bit. <br />
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I have said it before but I have a hard time writing when I am amongst struggle. Not because I don't want to share but more because I find writing those struggles down can be overwhelming at times. Being quiet and still have been learned behaviors in the last years and I suppose silence in writing just comes a long with it. </div>
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But with all that has happened around here in the last months I believe a lot would be lost without a bit of a rehash and explanation and hopefully in the end an arrow as bright as you have ever seen that points you straight to Jesus. Because with out the final mentioned it would seem that what has transpired was a huge waste.</div>
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About six months ago Brian was presented with many new options professionally. All of which would bring a move upon us. And we are not talking just across the state this time but across the country. This was difficult for us to contemplate and weigh. We prayed so much for clear wisdom, leading and provision. Really trying to leave it at the foot of the cross. It's so easy to let your brain get the best of you in these situations, especially when you have been through the situation before. Last time we sort of went through this alone. Really keeping it to ourselves in an attempt to not disturb the peace in our lives or in others. But this time we really felt called to live this out within our community, openly confessing our struggle, and allowing others to gain perspective through our experience. </div>
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In the beginning I was quite fearful. It was a lot to think about and contemplate. But my heart<br />
changed overtime. I was given vision and hope in heaven, reminders of where our true home is,<br />
grace for others and new locations, but maybe mostly reminders of gods grace for us thus far. It is not been so long since we made the move to Spokane that I have forgotten what he had done for us here and the remembrance of that gave me peace to know that wherever we ended up Gods presence would also be, that he would prepare a place for us. Just as we believe there are no bad people we also believe there are no bad places, god created it all and so as much as others placed there own fears for us into my view I felt at ultimate peace about where we would end up and that is when some miraculous things started to happen.<br />
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Two years ago I started praying for trust and patience. I began to realize that I was lacking in these abilities and that the lacking was creating craziness and unrest and scrambling. Scrambling to surround myself with stability and hope, neither of which we're coming from a well of the gospel but more from my own capabilities. My own ability to get my poop in a group and push forward. Instead of a humble realization of my shortcomings followed and repaired by more Jesus, more admission and confession of need for less of my own thoughts. what I thought I wanted was a step my step process to make me better. What I got was a stripping, a wrecking and a rerouting making me completely unable toa be capable on my own and instead allowing me to realize that all I have is really not mine it belongs as I myself do to a heavenly creator who knows me completely and not only loves me anyways but because of it. <br />
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And with all that being said when we were presented with the option to move it gave me a perfect opportunity to prove what I had learned....hahaha...it seems I had still not learned a thing in light of it to all. God was showing me that I had nothing to prove, he knew my heart and my longing and instead of me becoming more capable I became more dependent upon him for peace that comes without the need for understanding. And once that was realized I declared to Brian that I was no longer going to live with the thought that we may be leaving something, I wasn't going to live afraid of what may happen to my heart through all of this but I was in fact (excuse my language, I was in fact raised by fisherman) going to suck the marrow out of this shit. That I was going to live fully, allowing pain and suffering but even more so joy and love and healing to come through this and I would sit back and relax and watch it happen. If you know me even a little you would know that that thought alone is nothing short of supernatural, I am not a truster , i am in fact a control freak because I feel if I don't know what is happening next I won't be prepared and if something bad happens it will be my fault for not seeing it coming. But what I banked on and what I claimed was eternal hope which is in no place rooted in me but in what has already been done. <br />
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And so we moved forward. Brian had 9 interviews, each one more grueling, I watched him fear, I watched him hope, I watched him struggle with earthly stability and that which is promised to us in heaven. We were faced with questions that we couldn't answer, why would you leave this, what do you actually need, what are you searching for, what is this actually about? To be honest we are still praying over many of these questions. But in the end we were given option to compromise, to claim something that wasn't true to go somewhere that we would have had to trade Jesus for and it didn't fit. And so as our pastor said in the beginning you may choose not to do this and it might not make any sense. We blew that statement off in the beginning thinking that our options would be obvious, and as much as they were they also weren't. I have learned that even when you feel at peace in circumstance you can still be swayed by others misunderstanding. And that is where the struggle has been. Thankfully we do not need to prove, or explain or be justified, that has all been done. In the end this position was between two, Brian and another, we could have taken it. My husband could have led us into "financial abundance," "professional security," instead he followed what didn't make sense and I believe it still goes against what makes sense to him. But I have never felt so loved and cared for in my marriage as I did that day. It had nothing to do with moving to a different state, leaving my friends and family or being uprooted. It had everything to do with where we are and what God is doing in and around us.<br />
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You would have thought the story was over there. That we would just go on living in our house on the hill. Surrounded my glass and views that stretched for miles but when I let go when I started sucking the marrow out I prayed that we would feel able to put down roots free to live out side of what makes sense. Free to plug in knowing that nothing earthly is forever and who even knows what that means. And so once again God has provided and I am not the least bit surprised. We have move forward in faith and we are in the process of buying a house here in Spokane. <br />
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To be continued....<br />
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-91982428467741227852014-04-23T12:18:00.001-07:002014-04-23T12:20:43.806-07:00A boost<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My prayers have been much wrapped in my parenting, in my mothering, in my friends mothering. I have been searching for a definition, a purpose, an idea.....basically I have been just pleading for God to throw me a bone, but more on that later. I suppose I am always contemplating these ideas, the feeling of bewilderment is not a new one. Perhaps though this tween stage is really throwing me for a loop. Gone are the days of the naughty step, replaced by days of back talk and really "bright" ideas. There are quite a number of days that I feel incredibly exhausted when my head hits the pillow, nights where my prayers are also filled with tears, the good news in this is that I am also experiencing a love that is the closest form of how our Father in heaven must love us.<br />
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This prayer of, God, how can I most glorify you in my mothering has been constant for some time but concentrated much more heavily in the last month. The truth is I stink a stench of rottenness at this most of the time, but in contemplating it I have found myself reminding my children -and then reminding myself inadvertently- of their need for grace, of their ability to obtain it, of the fact that they have been chosen for redemption much more often and much more freely. It has been humbling to feel the work of the spirit, and reassuring to know that i am not alone in this role, in these days where I feel as I have lost all control I too have been promised goodness, God is ultimately for me too in all things. He is much the opposite of what I can muster most days, he doesn't sit pleading for me to get my poop in a group, or yell or shout at me when I get it wrong. He is a God of mercy and love. A Father with opened arms not closed fists. Those reminders alone are a good representation of my need for the spirit to lead me in this journey.</div>
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This past week with the remembrance of Jesus and his ultimate sacrifice for me was a pivotal moment in all of this. The kids and I traveled across the state to visit family for the past week. We traveled over Palm Sunday and Good Friday. On the way west I found myself retelling the story of Palm Sunday in my head. I have taught that lesson in Sunday school a countless number of times. Bu this time as I replayed the series of events all I could think of was Jesus, the sight of Jesus. And as I fixated on that I begin to picture our whole little family standing on the roadside that day as Jesus was parading through on a donkey and I began to let myself imagine what that would be like. Being amongst the crowd, striving for a peek at this reported Son of God. Laying out our jackets on the ground for the said donkey to walk upon. And I began to think about wanting my children to be able to see him too, just to catch a glimpse of his face, and I pictured myself allowing them to climb upon my shoulders, i pictured myself giving them a boost just so they could see. And then it occurred to me that the Holy Spirit had given me my answer in a vision.</div>
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My ultimate purpose as a mother is to be a dwelling place for the spirit so I can give my kids a boost to see Jesus. And that purpose seems very fitting to me, as well as humbling and exciting and quite lovely. And I know it has very little to do with my own ability, that in order to succeed I ultimately need to die to myself in order to let God shine. I also have the opportunity and freedom to share with my children in my failings, to teach them first hand of our need for grace and all the while revealing my own fault. Its okay to not always do it right the first time, we were in fact created with Jesus in mind, God knew our need and had a plan in mind to welcome us out of our filth. The offer is as good for me as it is for my children and for each of you. </div>
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Your Love Remains </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through the darkness</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through the fire</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my wicked heart’s desire</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Your love remains, Your love remains</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Though I stumble</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Though I falter</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my weakness You are strong</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Your love remains, Your love remains</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Oh my, my soul, it cries</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Oh my, my soul, it cries out</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Soul, it cries out</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Soul, it cries, it cries out</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my failure</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my heartache</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my healing</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In my pain Your love remains, Your love remains</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Though I stumble</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Though I falter</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Through my weakness You are strong</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Your love remains, Your love remains</span></div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_5202_zpsdb095009.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_5202_zpsdb095009.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_5202_zpsdb095009.jpg" /></a></div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-10352874005294686762014-03-10T11:32:00.000-07:002014-03-10T11:34:43.661-07:00Hiding and being known<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I feel as if I refer to the past year in a half a lot. I catch myself starting endless conversations this way. I suppose it is because my family and I are still on this journey that really only started in the past year and half. The other part of it comes from a much deeper, darker space within me. It could be that I never want to be where I was or who I was prior to this. I suppose I had led myself to believe that I was okay with it all, that the past was the past and now is just now and the future is nothing we can even measure here on earth. I do believe all of this whole heartedly except for the past part. I didn't know until about a month ago that I was quite ashamed of the past. As it turns out I wasn't truly accepting my redemption yet. In fact I believe that I didn't even want to be seen anywhere near that light.<br />
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One of the best parts about moving to a new town 6 hours away from the place you thought you would always call home is that no one knows you or your crap ( or what they think they know about you and your crap). This alone is a fairly fabulous freedom that I had never known. However anonymous existence only lasts for so long and it isn't really what I believe God intends for our lives. God used this time to not only free me but to break me and it was effective. The problem is that this freedom still lingers, that freedom unleashed an unbridled existence within me and for the first time in my life I began to live out my life for an audience of one, that one being my heavenly father. </div>
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Recently I heard others perceptions of me in rather public forum. I wanted to run so fast from those words, they were embarrassing and very much not true, and perhaps the worst part was that although they didn't describe me now they weren't far off from where I used to be. From who I used to be. And maybe in the past these feelings would have made me feel a step up in the world. Now they made me want to hide. I had forgotten who i was living for and quickly allowed myself to believe that these other persons feeling should be become part of my own. Instead of adopting my true identity. </div>
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My fault beyond the shame and hiding was that as soon as these emotions came across my heart I began to question God for what he wanted. I immediately started to pray and ask God what more he needed to strip, what more he needed to take. What more can I give? At the same time take it all. </div>
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But the most surprising emotion was the embarrassment. I can't even pick a time in my life where I have been embarrassed. I am what you would call an open book. I am quick to point out my ridiculousness. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really believe that my life and my experiences are not mine to hold but rather are meant to be shared, they don't belong to me. So the fact that I felt so embarrassed was not only shameful but foreign. Our Sunday gathering was the absolute worst. I felt as if I couldn't even lift my head. Making eye contact or engaging myself in conversation was impossible because I was full on invested in not being seen. I had confused the message I had been sent in my interaction to mean that I needed to be invisible. If no one saw me they couldn't have opinions and if I disappeared I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. P.S. it didn't work. </div>
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I spent a week in Vegas with Brian 2 weeks ago. I had planned to write and to read God's word the entire time I was there. I knew I wanted to allow God to use that time to fill and change my heart. However, every time I opened my bible it was if I was in the middle of a giant auditorium filled with screaming people. And I allowed that to mean that God was letting me sit in my squalor for a bit. Allowing me to experience my sin. Allowing me to feel what I had claimed. If I wanted to be the own lifter of my very head I could try it. I don't believe God ever gives us what we truly deserve but I do believe he allows to walk in our sin on occasion to ultimately show us the ways of our own hearts. And the way of my heart was that I was allowing other peoples view points of me to dictate how I felt about myself but ultimately dictate how I thought God felt about me. I was willing to give the whole year and half up for someone else's perceptions. </div>
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I don't see the message any different now except that I now realize it has nothing to do with me. I mean this in the opposite vein of pride. What God wanted me to give was all of me. I believe now that what I was to learn was that God could care for me in all circumstances that his love was enough to lift my head when I felt as if I couldn't. That I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Who I was and who I am are all part of his plan. I am no longer seen in my own light but in the light of Jesus. Thats the identity I adopt. </div>
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I know this seems like quite the babble and it may not make much sense. You won't catch me apologizing. My hope is that within the babble you would find something that reminds you of the very redemption you yourself have been offered.</div>
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We have two options we can walk around attempting to hide from the very God that knows us better than we know ourselves or we walk in love, in the truth of being known for who God intends us to be as if we already are. The latter is much lighter. The latter is eternal. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-10680447507887340162014-02-04T09:47:00.001-08:002014-02-04T09:49:52.669-08:00confession<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I found myself praising God for my ability to live uncovered because of what Jesus has done for me this weekend. Over the last months i have become quite comfortable with confession. But in years past I had come to hate it. I mean who wants to own up about how incredibly horrible they really are on the inside and hey if we are going to be completely honest, how horrible we are on the outside as well. <br />
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Confessing used to signify weakness to me, which would signify my need for something. Honestly needing anything or anyone had become something that was quite horrifying and scary to me. Need would lead me to a place where I needed to have faith and trust, these were things that over the years I had been shown that I couldn't have in people. This belief put me a pretty uncomfortable place with my faith in Christ though. My lack of trust in others translated into a lack of trust in God. And since I had believed that lie, and because I did in fact still need a savior, believe it or not, I attempted to become my own. Welcome a whole truck load of self righteousness to the scene. </div>
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Now when you attempt to be your own savior a lot of things start to happen. You become hard, unforgiving of yourself and others, quick to think you are the only one who can fix things, quick to believe that others will be lost without you, judgmental, close minded, legalistic, quick to point out others faults, constantly reminding others of your worth, working to earn and to prove and all of this leads to burn-out, exhaustion and eventual self destruction. This happened to me. And you know none of the work I had set out to do brought me any closer to heaven. In fact I was pretty sure I might just not end up there. Grace was non-existent to me and really love was too. </div>
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I heard the gospel again this past year. In fact I hear it every single Sunday. And not only do I hear it on Sundays, I hear it all week. Many of my friends are very comfortable hearing my confession and not only are they comfortable hearing it but sometimes they pull it out of me. This used to signify a time of lashing and pointing out my faults. Although now we do talk through my faults, the time we spend confessing our sins are wrapped in the message of what God has given us in His son. The truth of what took place when Jesus died on the cross, and how little it has to do with us and our actions. And the overwhelming message that I am free to love others and myself because I am forgiven, and loved. </div>
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When we do this. When we take the time to allow God to remove our sin we are immediately freed from the emotions that come with it. We are free from shame, hatred and the general need to hide. This leaves much more room for love, peace, hope, humbleness and the ability to move forward towards the cross. We are immediately freed from the need to make our stories about us and are more compelled to give the glory to God. </div>
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I find I am in need of a constant bathing of the gospel. When I distance myself I find that it is easy to stray from what I truly believe and easier to absorb old lies. The more time I spend focusing on the truth the more I find that it is impossible for me to stifle it. Confession is an integral piece. </div>
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With the love of Christ we have got nothing to lose friends except our need for self. </div>
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Praise Jesus for the ability to live uncovered.</div>
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Walk in love friends-</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #3a3c3f; font-family: 'Adelle W01 Regular', Adelle, Rockwell, Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">Timothy Keller: "The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as 'I'm in this room with these people, does that makes me look good? Do i want to be here?' True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self forgetfulness." (</span><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3a3c3f; font-family: 'Adelle W01 Italic', Adelle, Rockwell, Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1906173419/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1906173419&linkCode=as2&tag=desigod-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1906173419" style="border: 0px; color: #c6000e; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness</a></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #3a3c3f; font-family: 'Adelle W01 Regular', Adelle, Rockwell, Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">)</span></div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-9790486700230215432014-01-21T09:38:00.001-08:002014-01-21T09:38:22.830-08:00Sanctified<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Perhaps it is only in our ultimate failures that we can truly experience the fullness of God's amazing and abundant grace. Maybe it is at times only in our anguish of our need that we can accept the offer we have been given in our redemption. The truth that we do not in fact carry the burden of our need to be holy but that it is only through the holiness of the spirit that we can be restored. After what is going on two decades of the ever failing message that I would be able to reach my full potential of redemption in Christ through my own strength and effort, I can now rejoice in the fact that I will forever and always be in need of a Savior. And in good tidings because without that truth I won't be going far, my ultimate reward lies in my ability to humbly rest in my weakness, knowing full well that my surrender is what will make the process of my unraveling less painful. But in the end not even my surrender is needed for God's will to be done in me or through me. His will will be completed through the ages no matter my level of willing participation.<br />
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This past year has been one filled with a new understanding of grace and my role in it. Truth is it's not about me. It's all about Jesus. My purpose here on earth has nothing to do with my own desires rather to allow God to shine through me humbly praying that in turn more glory would shine upon Him. I praise the name of Jesus that I don't have to wait another 15 years to feel the sweet relief of my need to save myself. Jesus paid it all for you and for me.</div>
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I spent the last 10 days loving my sister and brother in law and their sweet new baby Paige. I have been aware for some time that I have been gifted with the ability to love and care for others, willingly able to give of myself to most anyone. In the past even though I have felt grateful for the gift I find myself feeling burdened with it, tired and exhausted with my need to provide comfort.I was worried in my travel across the country to arrive on their doorstep with my own baggage and tendency to be self righteous in my giving. Knowing full well that it would be easy to slip into my old clothes, that it would be easy to mask my own pleasure and fight for self worth in the God given gift I have been given to love. I prayed heartily in advance and in route and while I was in the midst of it all. I prayed that I would be able to shed my own need to feel worthy and justified and adopt the truth I have been given in Jesus- that I am free to love and give of my self simply because Jesus has done that for me. That I can leave all of my expectations and desires in my experiences behind because I will never on my own be worthy, justified or proven. I am however and will forever be loved, thought of, remembered and cared for by God the Father. He has me in the palm of his hand.</div>
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This past ten days were plenty filled with the Spirit. I can count the number of hours I slept in my provided bed on two hands. But God spared me from sleep deprivation and my own need and desire for comfort. I caught myself consumed with God's love on more than one occasion. I set out to bless my family with the love of the father but was in turn blessed beyond anything I could have imagined on my own.</div>
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Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom. He uses even our very darkest sins to bring him glory.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-58379575377510989462013-12-12T10:59:00.002-08:002013-12-12T10:59:56.866-08:00used to<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I used to be a master of schedules. I used to manage all of my titles with ease, flowing from one thing to the next, orchestrating them all to work together. My phone used to ring off the hook and my email box used to be full of requests and pleas for help. Life was full and in my opinion at that time that meant life was good. I had created a photograph of servanthood with me at the center and I believed that to mean that I was on my way to earning my seat in heaven. I believed that the more I gave up the more selfless I was becoming. And the whole while I was getting pats on the back and that a girls and praise for paving the way of what it should like. <div>
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But here is the secret, for a decade I grew more empty with each year. I grew more self reliant and self righteous with each day. I became more dependent on self and less reliant on my Father in heaven. And the craziest thing is I wan't doing any of it for my fame, all that i was doing could be considered as good, God willed things. But what I was doing it for was not true, was not needed was not necessary. I was attempting to earn my own salvation. I was attempting to earn something that had already been offered to me freely and all I had to do was accept that my role in it was quite insignificant. There was no way I could possibly do anything to deserve it or earn it because it had been given freely based on the love of my father in heaven. Based on his desire to draw me close to him, to call me his own.</div>
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Gone are the days of my 10 steps to bring me closer to God, to help me walk closer, to give me more faith. Because all I need is the cross. All I need is the constant reminder that my role is insignificant but in Him I have significance. In Him I have been given all I was every trying to work for. All I have to do is believe and daily confess of my need for Him to forgive me. </div>
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Oh and in this there is so much freedom, so much joy, so little stress and so much contentedness. I used to search for comfort and all I needed was to be content for I had already been offered all that I would ever need.</div>
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I am not sure that many from my past decade could look at my life and see me for the same person i used to be. I used to be driven, now I am patiently waiting to be prompted. I used to be focused and implanted in all that I had surrounded myself with, now I walk surrounded by Gods love for me and the rest just naturally follows. Before I would look from side to side and wonder why everyone else was just standing around, now I realize that God requires a lot more waiting in me and each person is on their own path. I used to openly share all that I was doing right, now I feel the need to openly admit that this new path is hard and I struggle with the choice to choose the truth every day. But I am happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been.</div>
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In the past if you asked me who I was I would feel the need to pour out a resume of all I did, of all I felt I was defined by and had worked for. Not anymore folks because I'm broken, forgiven, humbled and loved. Most folks don't see these titles as savory, most folks would feel a bit of shame associated with their need to be forgiven, their need to be humbled or broken and afraid that they needed to feel loved every day. I used to be most folks, I felt inadequate for my need and was sure that if I just tried harder I wouldn't feel like that. Shame does not come from the cross though, shame was taken from us when Jesus died on that cross. I can say whole heartedly I am needy for a savior and I am happy for that. It is the one thing in this life that has ever satisfied me. </div>
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Walk in love friends-</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-72757071922434040792013-12-04T00:27:00.001-08:002013-12-04T00:27:08.271-08:00Labels<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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today was a day.<br />
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today was a good day.? no let me rephrase that...today was a day that was bound to happen.</div>
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Elliot had a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for this afternoon. he has had a standing appointment scheduled for every three months for the last 5 years. every three months he must have a med check done to be prescribed medication that helps him concentrate. Elliot has ADHD. it has been something we have known for some time but Elliot hasn't. today though he heard those letters attached to him and since he has heard them before attached to others with negative connotation he lost it. quietly and controlled he lost it right there in the dr.'s office. everything I had fought against and protected him from and built up was lost for a fraction of a moment. his eyes said it all red rimmed and brimming with tears. his eyes said what his mouth would say and question later....you lied to me. </div>
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in this moment my heart broke and I felt lost and alone and broken. i was most likely feeling the same as he was. </div>
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the reason we didn't ever tell Elliot about his ADHD is because to us it is just a label. a label that over the last 20 years has become a dirty word in some circles. a label that publicly has no positive attached to it. </div>
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i have had mothers make rude comments, try to give me advice on parenting to "fix" it, encourage me to discipline more frequently or maybe just harder...I mean honestly if I could just get my crap together maybe my kid wouldn't struggle with this. and then there is always the flip side, maybe lay off the sugar, don't feed them gmos, only choose organic, less tv, more books...yadda yadda yadda. i mean french kids don't "get" ADHD. seriously i have heard it all and the sad thing is so have our kids. it seems to me that as soon as we fail to understand something we have to quick come up with a solution, or an answer, or an opinion, when at times it may be beneficial to just realize you may never get it. sometimes we just need to leave things be and pray, maybe most of the time we should do this.</div>
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now don't get me wrong elliot knows there is reason for the pill he takes every morning not only that he is well aware of the reason. he is aware of his struggle to concentrate to focus and he knows his medication helps him do this. he also knows that it takes effort on his part as well to reign in his impulses and he knows he can ask God to help him through the whole lot of it. so the only piece he was missing was the label. and the ironic part is he was fine with all of the last described. he didn't feel the least bit bad about those things about himself. it was the label that broke him.</div>
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and so this was the choice we made this time-to withhold the label-it was the way we felt led to parent in this circumstance and i think it was right. but i know all the more today that being a mom, being a parent in general is a job that requires much grace, much prayer, much trust in our father in heaven. I am constantly looking for the spirit to guide. the twisted thing is our kids are looking for the very same from us and we have the divine privilege to point them to the cross. I can't say I have always been really great at this...sometimes it seems easier to coddle and soothe with hugs and pats on the backs. but the older my kids get the more i see their need for a savior and it could be because I see more of a need in myself as well.</div>
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today though was bound to happen and i got to give it to him straight. today with tears streaming down my cheeks i got to deliver the truth about my son to him. i got to tell him that the reason his dad and i didn't want him tied up in a label given by a dr. was because we wanted him to be wrapped up in the labels that he has been given from God...<b>forgiven, loved, accepted, chosen, wanted, adopted, delighted in, desired, sought after </b>and much more. today i told him those were his heavenly labels the ones that mattered the most. the ones that would always be there. </div>
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my son elliot has adhd. and as we told him i wouldn't change that about him. i love him just as i try to love the rest of you, for who God has made you to be as if you already were.</div>
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walk in love friends.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-32083426705845526802013-11-17T14:57:00.000-08:002013-11-17T14:57:30.517-08:00Eyes Wide Open.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma of God.<div>
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We Jagers....Us 4 Jagers + Grandma.....have been living in Spokane for a year. And what a year it has been. This has easily been the most difficult year of my life and not only on a personal level, but it has been a year of destruction and rebuilding in each and every corner of my life, in each and every relationship that I hold dear, in each and every piece of my faith and what I have known to be true. It has been a year where I feel as if God came in the form of wrecking ball and then when we were brought to the point of having nothing left, nothing more to hold on to and almost nothing more to turn back to or remember he wrapped us in the love of the Gospel. And it has been raw friends, it has been real and transforming and at times humbling to the point of tears. Everything I felt I had been doing right was so vividly called to the table, laid out and chopped into tiny pieces. Each piece has been dissected. My motives have been questioned, my abilities have been ruined and what is left is the ability to walk in love knowing that despite all of the destruction, despite all of the misgivings and the confusion, I am loved. And not only am I loved, but I am known, and accepted, and adopted, and chosen. That is the gospel. </div>
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For my whole life I have been striving to get it together. Striving to get my crap together. Striving to make God proud of me. Striving to prove myself worthy and of value to the kingdom. I have done all of the right things for the wrong reasons and for the last 15 years my knowledge, my teachings, and my direction have failed me time and time again because the truth is in Jesus there is nothing we can possibly do to be any more worthy than we already are. He died for us while we were still in sin. </div>
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The verse above has become a pillar of truth for me, it not only comforts me but strengthens me. Not only affirms me but challenges me and it is a picture of who I know myself to be now. I am loved and if I walk in that there is nothing more I need. If I am walking in love it is easier for me to deliver what I have been given to others, not needing anything in return because of what I have been given because of the place I've been given. And I am telling you it is not easy, in fact it can be terrifying. But I find the more I wash my self in the gospel the more I am able to confess my need and the more I can love not only myself but others. There are no more should's or ought to's instead there is an ultimate desire to bless people because I myself am blessed.</div>
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Going into the previous year I felt the Spirit prompting us to follow God's lead in our move. I felt prompted to be bold and to be brave and I thought the blessings would overflow immediately, that it would be overwhelming affirmed with a giant pat on the back, such as way to go. That is so not how it went. From the week before we moved to Spokane there have been speed bumps and at some times brick walls. Realization of the fact that we so did not get or understand what God was doing or where he as leading us was evident. We needed to trust, we needed to wait, we needed to be willing to be broken and in some ways that is exactly where we are still at.</div>
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Our marriage has been rocked, we no longer have the time or the ability to connect one on one away from cherubs as we once did, Brian's job has a whole new set of demands and expectations and although I hate to make it sound like I am saying he is a really big deal it is more that he has been given much to be responsible for. We are full on into homeschooling our children and that has been taxing on me as I have been thrown into a full on identity crisis on more than one occasion as I struggle to prove my worth and how could just teaching my children be enough ( I say this sarcastically). We have an extra family member now who requires consideration and sacrifice and love. There have been months in the last year that we have been apart physically more than together and that is just not something that we are used to or even knew how to begin to deal with. And all I knew sometimes was that I loved Brian Jager more than anything in this world enough to live through the hell that we had come to think we had robed ourselves in. And pretty much anything that we were rooted in before was shook because we were missing a piece of our faith that we had been taught early on. We were doing it all without Jesus. God sure but Jesus not so much. Which means we were living in self reliance, and self righteousness and our expectations for each other were enough to make anyone run screaming for the hills. And after a bit it nearly did. </div>
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Our kids were rocked because I was rushing around to fix everything for them. For surely killing myself internally every night because their hurt was eating me alive. Allowing myself to believe that I had single handedly ruined their existence that I had made a choice that was affecting them to the core negatively and surely they weren't going to get better. I would lie in bed at night praying that God would show me how to fix it. I quickly took on the responsibility for our move rather than living in the truth of why we moved in the first place...we felt led. No it was my screw up. </div>
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I can tell you now it looks different. Before I was a cracked pot that had not only become shattered over time but I was missing the piece that would put it all back together. I was brought to a point that i couldn't hold water or even be turned on the shelf to hide the the piece that I was missing. And I allowed that to role over into my family. And instead of submitting to anything I was quickly trying to gather the pieces and arrange them in a way that from the outside looked aesthetically pleasing. I was a master controller.</div>
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I can tell you now though it still looks broken, oh yes you can see the glue and the tape that has been used to put me back together but I feel more complete now than I ever have. My cracks are now something I feel loved for, they are cracks that I can show others to prove the promises I have been given, the truth that is mine to hold onto. I can now speak and share that truth with my family as well. My children know that I am not going to fix it. I now tell them that I'm not going to fix their problems and then I feed them the gospel. I tell them that they are in fact not alone, that they are in fact constantly surrounded by God and the sacrifice of His son at all times. And Elliot will now tell me ugh I know mom.....I love that, that is magic to me, that is music to my ears. I can love my husband completely no matter what our week looks like, I know that I am not alone and it is no longer his job to let me know that. I can now approach my day knowing that God will place exactly what I need in front of me each day, the only part that is up to me is how I treat it. I am adopted by God the Father and accepted completely for who I am in each day. I can fail miserably and it is recognized and challenged but not condemned. </div>
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So I challenge you if you find that verse above to be a simple pill to swallow, read it again. Do you really believe all of that? I thought I did. Do you believe that you are his beloved child? Do you believe that you can love anyone simply because you yourself are loved by the God most high? But most importantly is your faith personal? Do you believe that Christ died for you knowing you for the mess that you are? That He died for you specifically? Because He did. </div>
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-Walk In Love Friends...because you are loved!</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-78660253522461988032013-11-13T11:23:00.001-08:002013-11-13T11:23:17.217-08:00It's been awhile.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've taken a break for some time. Life in general has swallowed me whole and somedays getting dressed seems like it should be optional as the day disappears. <div>
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In the last months we have been studying the book of Ephesians in church and have been humbled and challenged over the ideas and callings we have in the area of community. Jager's like to live in a life connected this is nothing new for us, but maybe the way in which we practice that has been stretched and tried and renewed. We are called by God to a life of togetherness. A life of speaking the gospel and its it truth to one another, a life of confession and reminder and practice of his grace and mercy. The togetherness part we got, how to practice it as a reflection of what Christ has done for us has been the challenge. But boy the difference it has made. I feel peace that I have never felt before.</div>
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The kids and I have jumped full into school. We have taken on some lofty goals but believe that we can not only meet them but surpass them. It has been challenging yet fulfilling as we count on God to give us the self control and focus that we need each day to complete what we need to complete. Each day is different and comes with its own set of success and difficulties but that is okay. </div>
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This year Elliot is taking on the task of completing two separate math curriculums. His interests and gifting has given him a great desire to excel in this area and we see the benefit in giving him all he can handle for a leg up there. Language Arts has been fun this year too as he is not as resistant to writing and expressing himself on paper....we still have a long way to come in this area but we are thankful for the direction and guidance we have received with our curriculum in hand and are humbling stepping forward in this are to do the best we can do. Teaching Elliot in the subject of Language Arts has been a challenge of grace and love for me....his resistance has a way of quickly making me crabby and instead of that reaction I have been challenged to teach him in different ways that meet him where he is rather then demanding that he do it the way that is easy for me. </div>
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Grace, Oh Grace. Grace is making leaps and bounds this year in school. I have been reminded that third grade is a transition year time and time again. Her abilities have been strengthened and stretched and she is much more willing to push through things she finds difficult. We are focusing on staying right on her third grade schedule for her core subjects while adding in some challenge reading and writing projects. Creative writing proves to be her strength, she comes up with some of the neatest ideas as a way to express herself. We are slowly getting to the root of her anxiety when presented with new things and working independently. Homeschooling has given us the opportunity to retell her again and again that she is in fact not alone in this world or in her schoolwork. And that failure in her schoolwork does not define who she is and that second chances are a real thing. The message of grace for Grace has been a solid key in schooling her and it has "schooled" me as well. </div>
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Together as a group (of 3:) we are focusing on learning the apologetics. It has been fun to rehash why we believe what we believe together. In science we are learning about Gods creation on the fifth day as it relates to zoology which drops us right into the depths of the sea and surrounds us with his creatures. We have decided to study this book with a couple of other families and we get together to do the larger projects together at the end of each chapter....community proves to be fun and rewarding. History is the last subject and we are using two separate curriculums to cover it, one focuses one that focuses on the middle ages, and the other is a study of each continent and its cultures as well as the influence of missionary work respectively for each one.</div>
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In addition to all of that the kids are still going to the little school house just down the road for core studies on Monday and extra curricular programs on Friday. Elliot is participating in chess, karate and an art class as well as P.E. Grace is enjoying irish dance, art and drama as well as P.E. We feel really thankful to be part of this program as the kids have built many relationships there and get a chance to be away from me;)</div>
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This post may have bored you to the core. However it is the first question that most people ask me when we are catching up. And rightfully so as we spend close to 20 hours of our week focusing on school.</div>
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I promise something more exciting next time.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-47462772605431611372013-09-02T12:53:00.001-07:002013-09-02T12:53:35.676-07:00There is Romance in the Contentedness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Romance : </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13px;">A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thats what our life has been as of late. Amongst the pain and suffering and confusion it has been strangely beautiful. God has us in the very palm of his hand in a very new and fresh way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He is the creator of all things old and new. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I felt completely humbled by the beauty I was able to experience this weekend. There was something quite romantic about the whole thing. I love to create memories with my little family. I love experiencing things for the first time with them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have found myself returning to a new state of contentedness and it looks nothing like it did before. I have found that it has very little to do with the outside view or the physical workings of my life. It has so much to do with the beauty that only God can bring to my heart. And when this boils over and into the lives of my little family there is something quite romantic that takes place. <a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/DSCN2264_zps05257c37.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo DSCN2264_zps05257c37.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/DSCN2264_zps05257c37.jpg" /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Brian commented this weekend that when we come rich and famous he would bring me back to Glacier to stay in one of the fancy chateaus on the lake. I thought about this all weekend and I came to the thought that I would rather spend the cash on some fancy camping cots and spend weeks instead of days there. That I would rather do it just as we had. Because how it was to me was magic. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I loved watching my children take in the moments of adventure with eyes full of wonder. This is why we endure the car complaints and crazy bedtime rituals that camping brings. Because wether these memories we make affect them now or later at some point the snapshots in their minds will sprout into something. And I hope that something is full of the romance and the knowledge that they witnessed the workings of a Creator this past weekend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This world is full of these wonders. These beauties. And sometimes I just feel as if it is ours for the taking. Its ours to explore. Its ours to enjoy. That our creator made it for us to enjoy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Elliot's hands have grown to be identical in size to mine. I find we he chooses to hold my hand I find it difficult for them to bind together. This too is a representation of our relationship these days. I am finding a lot of it to be uncomfortable and none of the approaches quite fit. But we keep trying because we love each other. Because God has given the little boy to me on loan...not to keep him small but to grow him up into the man he needs to be. We held hands a lot this weekend. I found him hugging me unprompted in our explorations this weekend...a mother's love is a tricky one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On our drive home we experienced skies of purple that turned to gold that turned to the blackest of nights. As I drove I thought of the night skies in Glacier, how it almost seemed as if someone had thrown a black sheet over the daylight and poked billions of tiny pins through it to reveal God's promise of light in the darkness. We were able to see all of the light, all of the galaxies and in that I once again was reminded of the promises that were made to us in the creation of this place we are in temporarily.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Those promises are deep and they are all encompassing as He reaches to grasp each dark spot in our lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am one blessed woman. The commissioning I have been given in these blessings are great. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am content in all that I have been given. I am content with the idea that there is more to come. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love that there is nothing that happens, there is nothing that we experience that is wasted if we are tightly tethered to the one who gives us this life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is all beautiful in Him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/DSCN2251_zps8f7382ce.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo DSCN2251_zps8f7382ce.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/DSCN2251_zps8f7382ce.jpg" /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And so we soak in the romance of it all. Sometimes that adventures are more like quests to find the meaning. Sometimes that can be a waste because all things are done in His time.</span><br />
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-28928079382469642312013-08-24T15:15:00.001-07:002013-08-24T15:15:44.812-07:00Dear Sweet Grace.....I am her Mama<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My Grace turned the beautiful of age of 8 last month. In the last year I have been able to soak in how incredibly innocent, and pure and lovely this little girl is. I often catch myself thanking God for how little she has experienced...how naive she is able to be. As young girls compared at this age of 8 we couldn't have had more different experiences. Some of the things I was exposed to by the time I was 8 are things that I hope she isn't even vaguely aware of for some time. And so in mothering this little beauty I am always struggling with how much to tell her and how much to leave out. I believe in telling her things and taking time to be gentle in my teaching her I am doing my best to love her completely. A few months ago we were able to finally chat about how babies get out of their mothers. Before that she was fully comfortable with the idea that mothers throw up their babies. She knew deep down otherwise and would ask questions but quickly tell me she didn't actually want to know. One of my favorite things about Grace is that she knows her limits, she knows very well what she can handle, how much she wants, and is never afraid to call uncle when she's had enough. <div>
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I must also tell you that in moving to Spokane the pair of us have been given the gift of some phenomenal girl friends in their respective age groups of course. In fact personally I can say I have never had so many girlfriends in my life, women that I respect and love and am incredibly blessed to have share their lives with me. Recently there have been lots of conversations of womanhood, and what that holds for our little rosebuds. One of the lovely things about homeschooling is that you often have kids that are all different ages and grades that play together without thinking about the number that is attached to their little souls. And so Grace has some girlfriends that are about 18 months older than her. Her being tall makes it hard to remember that she is in fact much younger than these girls especially in the grand scheme of womanhood. My biggest fear in all of this was that these girls would begin to learn and experience changes that Grace's body is not quite ready for. That there would be girl talk that she found to be confusing or scary. And as much as I would love for her to be little and sweet and love tutus and baby dolls forever I know that in a few short years we are due for some change, due for some opportunities, due for extreme growth and I find that to be a pink package full of tears and anxiety but also an opportunity for me to teach Grace how beautiful she is to be a woman, to be a daughter of God. </div>
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And so the conversations had begun a few weeks back with my girl friends in how we were all going to approach this. To be part of such a lovely group of women that love their girls enough to approach this with deep prayer and planning is a humbling thing. These relationships are ones that I never saw myself having, rather relationships that others had. To be in a group of women who love their girls already for what they are to become rather than being caught up in the mood swings and attitudes that are already budding is refreshing. </div>
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My story of how these subjects were introduced to me is one that is better than most but still not quite what I wanted to give to Grace. My mom was very open with me, laid it all out and then said well if you need anything let me know. I knew I could ask her anything. That part is something I want to replicate with my Grace. But I also want to give her more. I want to give her self worth and self love. I want to teach her that she is a gift that her body is a gift. That it is never to be something she should ever feel like she has to give to another. That is nothing she should ever be ashamed of. That her value is much greater than her outward appearance, her boob size, or what size jeans she wears. That she is someone that God created specifically and purposefully. </div>
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I believe that all of these subjects go hand in hand. And I know with my Grace it all needs to be handled specifically and gently. That we have to take it one step at a time. The first day we only got through the chapters on body odor and training bras and she told me we should stop for the day. And thats when I knew I was handling this in the way that I should. That already she trusted she could tell me what was enough for her. </div>
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This mothering a girl thing has been incredibly healing for me as well as one of the greatest challenges I have ever been given. But I have found with enough prayer and enough thought put towards who this little girl is has made it worlds easier than I ever thought it would be. It is a gift to be her mother. It is a gift that I experienced all that I have in the last 31 years especially the miserable stuff. The things that made me want to die in my tween years are now coming back as blessings, they are now coming back as reminders of what I want my little sweetie to be prepared for. Its a chance to give her what I wish I would have had....that's a gift folks. </div>
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And so when things feel scary to me as far as what I feel I am being called to give her I think of how scary it might be for her if I don't. And so we trudge forward. We celebrate who we are at 8 and who we are to be at 13, and who we might be able to become by 31. I pray that God will give me the grace I need to mother my Grace. What a blessing it is!</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-70514949989647362722013-08-07T12:29:00.000-07:002013-08-07T12:29:50.023-07:00Luck turns over to Blessing.....Fear turns to Hope....Worry turns to Trust<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I prayed last summer that God would truly and tangibly teach me to trust. That I would look at my good fortune/ luck as gifts rather than things that I had earned or done something to deserve. That my fear was actually sinful and a direct disrespect to Gods plans for me....as if what HE has or has had for me were not goo enough.<br />
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I have received response and teaching in each of those prayers. My faith in the last month specifically been transformed into something that is not only one that is humble but one that has made me more accepting of myself and who God has made to be. </div>
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I have heard dozens of sermons preached over the last 15 years that challenged me to be Christ like, to DO as he would DO, to serve as HE would serve. And all of these words have been true things in which to search for but I had spun them around in a way, that I am not sure I was striving in the right direction. I heard a sermon preached just a few weekends ago that challenged me. That I first I thought may be very backwards or even wrong(yep). But after a few more sermons and some soul searching I think I have now come to the realization that I have in fact had it wrong for a very very long time. It was the most freeing and lovely moment I have ever had in what I believe was God's presence in my life. I have not entered our gathering service without tears rolling down my cheeks in over a month and it has been so incredibly overwhelming for me. I have had to let go of the fact that people are probably watching me, that my children are sitting next to me, that many of these folks are new friends of mine and they don't know me well enough to know that when I am overwhelmed with emotion I cry....its beyond my control. It as if I am hearing parts of the gospel for the very fist time there is a new light to it all.</div>
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I have struggled most of my life with the overriding thought and understanding that I needed to earn all that I have, love, money, acceptance, grace, safety, comfort etc. It is hard for me when I realize that people love me for who God has made made me to be. When people accept for for all that I am or even worse all that I am not. And my relationship with Christ with God has reflected much the same. I have lived much of my time as a Christian attempting to be Christ like, to earn his love, his acceptance and his grace for me. Thats why acts of service are so comfortable to me because than I have "earned my spot in the kingdom. It at times has left me feeling empty, jaded, burnt out, lonely and afraid. And I wonder how many people have struggled with this same sickness, this same sin. </div>
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We have been hearing a sermon series taken from the book of Genesis this summer. I have heard some of these stories that I have taught in my Sunday School class for a decade in a whole new light. I have had light shed upon my sin that I have been justifying for just as long. I have seen with my own eyes the parts of me that need to be let go. The parts that need to be enhanced. And most of all I have seen that its not about being Christ-like as I have interpreted it to be. I am so incredibly unable to be like Christ there is not a part of me that will ever be perfect or even close to it. But rather God wants me to be the Jessica that he intended me to be. A Jessica without sin, a Jessica who realizes that his forgiveness and Grace is not about my doing, it is not something that I can ever earn or deserve, it is simply about his mercy and it is a gift. </div>
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There are parts of my life that I have chalked up to dumb luck. There are parts of my story that I though were to dirty, to dusty, to dark to allow myself to think that God was in fact right there with me. That were times that he has given me blessing simply because he loves me. That my deserving has nothing to do with the fact that I made it through those times was simply a gift. </div>
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Blessing in my life has become a commission. I am approaching life now with Gods blessing on and over me. Hoping and praying that others may feel Christ's love for them not because I am striving to be Christ like but simply because he lives within me and and is blessing me with the tools in which to be the Jessica that God intended me to be. I still stink at this much of the time, but I am finding that my realization of my own sin comes much easier in this, that my ability to trust that my repentance brings true forgiveness and that I can trust that God's love is one thing that will always be with me no matter what I DO. There is nothing I can do that will earn God's love, that will earn the Grace he so loving gives me, that I will in fact never probably never deserve it and that's okay. </div>
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This has been so incredibly freeing to me. At first I felt ashamed for not understanding this correctly. For going so long having it all messed up. But as I told Brian this past Sunday on our drive home from Church, I felt that a big part of me had died and at first that was confusing and I wanted it back, I wanted the work back that made me feel so much a part of God's kingdom, I don't want that anymore, I have felt like I have been broken and I was striving to be put together but I don't want that anymore either. I just want to live with Gods blessing over me, in this new way. It may be a number of Sunday's more before I can enter church without being overwhelmed with emotion but if that means living outside of the light I now see, I don't want it any different.</div>
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I challenge you to think of A blessing as a commission rather than always an act, or as our sermon stated this past Sunday a really yummy hamburger. </div>
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This song has been running over and over in my head for two weeks now. It is one we sing in our services very often. The words are so true for my own life. The fear I have lived with so long and I am now rid of.</div>
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Brokenness Aside</div>
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All Sons and Daughters</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Will your grace run out</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">If I let you down</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">'Cause all I know</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Is how to run</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 7px; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">[ Lyrics from: http://www.cloverlyrics.com/e86382-all_sons_and_daughters~brokenness_aside_lyrics.html ]</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">'Cause I am a sinner</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">If it's not one thing it's another</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Caught up in words</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Tangled in lies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">But You are a Savior</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">And You take brokenness aside</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">And make it beautiful</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Beautiful</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Will You call me child</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">When I tell you lies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">'Cause all I know</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Is how to cry</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">'Cause I am a sinner</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">If it's not one thing it's another</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Caught up in words</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Tangled in lies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">But You are a Savior</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">And You take brokenness aside</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">And make it beautiful</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">Beautiful</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">You make it beautiful</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">You make it beautiful</span></div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-12156268384793715162013-07-20T11:21:00.001-07:002013-07-20T11:21:58.097-07:00Is this even working?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've been in a funk. I've been a little down. My arthritis is back. Pain took over sleep for a couple of months. The lack of sleep led to a bit of the doldrums. Good news is I think I'm better. I think it's fixed. Hopefully I can explain why I haven't been writing. Basically no one wants to read the musings of a whiny baby, and so that's that.<br />
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I used to work with a lady that in the heat of the moment at work would turn and ask, "Is this even working." I would always giggle and smugly think, boy I can't imagine feeling that way all of the time. To not be sure of oneself to the point of always thinking I was failing. Funny how things work when we think we have it all together, someday we won't.</div>
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And so I must share that often in the last three months I feel like looking from side to side and asking, "Is this even working?" I have been in great pain which leads to a lot of personal discouragement in my life. This label of arthritis seriously rocks me to my core because when it controls me I feel as if I can't do anything that I want to do. I cant be the mom I want to be or the wife I long to be. Getting out of bed becomes a chore and sleep leaves the building. And so I didn't sleep for about 2 months and sleep deprivation led to a trip to crazy town. And then I failed to be able to manage anything, which gave me a sad case of the doldrums. All through this happening I refused to go to the Dr. because that would be admitting that I do have a medical issue and it in fact does affect me greatly from time to time. And sometimes I can not control it.</div>
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But never fear I have now been to the Dr. was put on medication (something I had been avoiding) which is helping tremendously and guess what I'm sleeping too. Brian said the first night that I slept he woke up three times just to make sure I was alive because I hadn't moved a muscle. I have learned that asking for help isn't accepting defeat. </div>
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I have control issues, its known. This year has been a large learning curve as to how much I am in fact actually in control of......very little:) </div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_3393_zps5bca2f88.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_3393_zps5bca2f88.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_3393_zps5bca2f88.jpg" /></a>I had a kind of break through with it all this week. I remembered that happiness is sometimes a choice. Life is very rarely easy and the good doesn't always come with the bad, very often things can be just bad. But that doesn't mean that we can lose hope and faith is needed through it all.</div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_3386_zpsb1e9c45e.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_3386_zpsb1e9c45e.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_3386_zpsb1e9c45e.jpg" /></a>It has been difficult going through all of this without my support group, AKA my mom and mother in law and my best friend. It is even harder to ask for help in new surroundings. But I am learning that with God I can get through anything. With a positive attitude he can help me even more. And that I am just fine on my own, even though I miss my family dearly.</div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_3328_zps0e106261.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_3328_zps0e106261.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_3328_zps0e106261.jpg" /></a>Today the kids and I traveled up to Green Bluff and picked cherries and apricots. We had so much fun, just the 3 of us. I am so blessed to have the pair of them. We spent the hot, hot morning (it was 90 degrees out by 9:30) on ladders high up in the tree tops, searching for what the fruit trees had to offer. And I attempted to leave my nervous nellie mom behavior in the car as my children were scaling giant ladders to reach the best fruit at the very top of the trees. I realized then that I was choosing joy not sorrow. I was choosing to have a day with my kiddos, enjoying some of God's greatest creation. There were plenty of giggles, plenty of new facts learned about the food we eat. And plenty of chances for us to help and serve one another. </div>
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We were able to harvest about 40lbs of apricots and 10lbs of cherries. We decided that we are only putting up food that is grown in these here parts of Eastern WA. So not much on the berry front although they can be found they aren't quite the same. We will be harvesting huckleberries when the time is right though. </div>
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And so I move forward with a better outlook once again. It is very much two steps forward one step back at times but the forward is definitely winning.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-71001513860117738022013-06-20T00:45:00.001-07:002013-06-20T00:45:48.362-07:00You are my greatest SURPRISE!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Tomorrow will mark the day that I became the mom to a double-digiter. I will forever remember the night before the happening of said event with the brain made memory of my 9 year old boy dancing around singing the two words double digit over and over again. What can I say 10 is a big deal.<div>
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For this old thinker of a mom, this post and this moment have been a long time coming. After a decade of being a mom you would think I would have been granted with some bit of Sage wisdom or if I could go back and do something different it would be a, b and c. But if you asked me in this very moment I would tell you the wisdom can really be summed up in that of those brain made memories, some of them almost like videos they are so crisp, some of them in slow-mo because you believed for a second you may have been able to change it if you would have done things differently. But I suppose the one bit of sage wisdom would be that I wouldn't change any of it....I don't wish for any of it to be different....not even the hard stuff. And boy howdy has there been hard stuff, especially with my soon to be double-digiter. And if there is one other thing I would pass on it would be the encouragement to really get know your kids, don't be afraid of the sticky parts, of the things that you would maybe change (go ahead judge me for saying that out loud) figure out what makes them tick, strive to know who God has created them to be, because these facts are where the true blessings in mothering hide.</div>
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Tonight before I wrote this I laid in bed with the hubdub and reminisced about the day Elliot was born. We talked about how I nearly killed him for eating ranch doritos right before I went into hard labor, this is not the best choice when breathing in your wife's face through doubled up contractions. We talked about how he made me watch the European Antique Roadshow through the whole bout of my labor. And we talked about how our moms were there and how invaluable that was. But mostly I thought about what a great team we made in that delivery room. How I never felt alone for one second, how there was never a moment that I thought I wouldn't make it and the moment I had him I knew why. The moment we had Elliot I knew that life would never be the same. I knew we were in for something great. That being Elliot's mom would forever be my greatest surprise.</div>
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Elliot was born into the world with the look of a little old man. His face looked of that of someone much older and wiser of his several minutes old self. And so it has gone for the past 10 years. He is wise beyond his years this one. We always joke that there is 50 year old man stuck in his body, constantly trying to take him over. He loves to read the newspaper, he loves technology, he loves to debate, theology and faith based conversations are some of his favorite and they keep him awake at night. He frustrates me to no end but he also amazes me beyond my wildest dreams. And I have learned a lot about him in this last year.</div>
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Often Elliot can be frustrating because he is frustrated:) He likes to understand things to their core. He needs to know why....now every parenting book out there will tell you that this is a big "no no" when parenting...because I said so should suffice in all situations with truly obedient children. But not my Elliot, his soul needs the explanation, and so it goes. We have talked to him like an adult since he was 2 years old and it just how we do. I threw out my parenting books at about the same time and instead I have strived for much of that time to surround myself with other women who have done it before, whom I respect and admire, not women with perfect children but women with lovely hearts and open minds. Women who don't judge but support. With mothering my children I have found those relationships to be invaluable. And I pray daily that I can return that great gift by sharing it with others. Because when your children are two you think you may know it all but when they are 10 you realize you know nothing. And so now you know Jager's hate parenting books and classes and I keep trying to change it that but I think that recently I have become quite comfortable with the fact.</div>
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This year has tested my strength in being Elliot's mother, it has stretched and grown my love for him in ways I would have never dreamed. It is funny how when they are born you think you couldn't possibly love them more than you do in that moment but the truth is it continues to mound like scoops on an ice cream cone. Each bump in the road stretches and grows it almost simultaneously because the stretching requires the growing and vice versa. But this year has also brought a new aspect to our relationship and that has been one of trust. When our kids are small they trust us almost inherently, they learn early -if you do not raise them like wolves- that you are their source for just about everything. Food, Love, Safety, Shelter to name a few. But the problem or maybe the beauty rather is that as they grow they start to think for themselves and as that happens the trust can fade because you are not always making the decisions that they would like you to make. We have had that for the first time this year and I have had to ask Elliot to trust me, I never have had to do this before. And it has been hard and it has rocked my mama world in ways I never imagined it to be rocked, and it has been painful but it also been oh so good. God has used it to not only grow my relationship with Elliot but also to show me the flaws in my relationship with Him. And so for now I have earned his trust again, I am sure that will falter once or twice along the way but I continue to pray that I will have the wisdom enough to take the time to let him question me, so I can explain the heart of the matter. </div>
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I have learned in the last year that Elliot is a justice fighter. Oh boy, I think he got this from me and if he learns when to cast it out and when to reel it in he will find it to be one of his greatest assets and one of his biggest faults. It goes way beyond don't mess with my mom for this kid. He is an underdog finder, a broken winged bird picker upper, a stray dog lover, he roots for the losing team and will stand up for what he knows is right until the bitter bloody end and it can get ugly. He hangs on through the hard stuff and I love that about him. He loves bigger than his heart can handle and I know that he will have his heart broken many more times in his life. But he uses his heart for good and it's a beautiful thing.</div>
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But mostly I have learned that boys are weird and I still don't understand them, they make weird noises and smell funny. I do happen to be quite fond of this smelly, noisy boy.</div>
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Bottom line though, I am incredibly humbled and honored that God chose me to be Elliot's mom, he has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined and definitely more than I have deserved. I pray that when he is a dad someday -a long time from now- he will be blessed with as great a surprise as I have been.</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-42799958605977982072013-05-22T12:12:00.001-07:002013-05-22T12:12:48.868-07:00Homeschooling Not So Confidential Volume 9865<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The best part about homeschooling is that you are with your kids all of the time. The worst part about homeschooling is that you are with your kids all of the time.<br />
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I had a lot of time to think about this truth this past weekend. This past weekend I ended up having to take an unexpected trip to the west side to deal with the rental house. It was unfortunate, the reasoning for my travel. However, I didn't realize how much I needed the freedom to think without anyone else alongside of me. Homeschooling does not lend much time for this and I walk around feeling quite imbalanced most the time. My psyche needs time to marinate on its own....I have learned this from our homeschooling experience. </div>
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Homeschooling was never anything I ever saw myself doing. My mother-in-law told me once that was interesting statement because I would always be willing to do what is best for my littles no matter what it is, and in this thought I suppose she is very wise. I will always do what is best for my littles! And what is best for them is homeschooling right now.</div>
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Before we moved I had one friend who homeschooled her children. I taught at the homeschool cooperative in our area but if anything that experience alone furthered my original thought process....school outside our home was what was best. Well now most all my friends are homeschooling moms, our church is full of them. I find myself finding them to be full of sage advice, I find them to have a similar heart to my own, I find that most of what they say or believe resonates within my own soul for mothering my littles too. This is earth shattering to me. I find myself saying, "I am not sure how this happened?" The truth is I know exactly how this happened. I tool a moment to ask God what he really wanted and then I listened and then with a terrified spirit and an anxious heart I moved forward. </div>
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I am no more or less terrified than I was the day that I started. It is a humbling job, teaching. It is a frustrating and taxing job. I have had to become quite selfless and sometimes this causes me to be crazy about the things I think that I can not possibly let go of. I am used to focusing on myself a bit, finding the nuggets that God has intended for me to find. It is frustrating sometimes because I feel that right now there are no nuggets for me, but if I take time to spend with God every morning I find that there are <u>more</u> nuggets in every day just for me <u>than I could possibly carry on my own.</u> That's what I have learned the most I can not carry any of this on my own. </div>
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I have also learned more and more that my children's place is within my reach right now. That if my heart is right than my arms are just an extension of God's for them. Right now my arms are long enough to reach them still, in fact now at this point I can still wrap my arms around them whenever I feel the need. But my main purpose now is to prepare them for when I can't reach them anymore. I don't feel at this point that this is anyone's else's job. In fact I am not sure that it is a job at all. It is love, it is care, it is a connection that comes from within. It is an understanding and a love for what GOD is creating them to be. No one can understand them or this better than me. No one wants this more for them than I do. And so the best thing for them is to be with me. </div>
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And so now you now know that after much deliberation we are homeschooling both kids again next year. </div>
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Brian asked me how I felt about it all the other day. I thought for moment and replied that it really isn't about me and what I can do on my own. My sanity may fail from time to time but I am learning more and more that that is more of a testament of how much time I spending within the arms that reach for me. </div>
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Please know this is my own journey not a reflection of what I think is right for everyone. I also know how incredibly blessed I am to be able to take this time to devote to them without interruption. </div>
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"He will perform the cause I hold in my hand." That makes it very real to me today. The very thing "I hold in my hand" - my work today is the concern that is beyond my control, this task in which I have greatly overestimated my own abilities - this is what I may "cry out " for HIM to do "for me," with the calm assurance He will perform it. "The wise and what they do are in God's hands" (Eccl. 9:1) Frances Ridley Havergal...Taken from Streams in The Desert</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-75270190477738155692013-05-10T18:16:00.000-07:002013-05-10T18:16:18.159-07:00Mommin it Up.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I know I have been absent but y'all know I can't pass up my Mother's day post this year.<div>
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This year has been my hardest year as a Mom to date. All bets are off and the game has definitely changed. This past year God has used every facet of my life to prove to me that comfort does not lie with the things we can tangibly hold here on the earth, and that includes my children, my ability to fill my role as Mom.</div>
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I could sit here and whine and cry about all of the things I have endured with my little cherubs but that wouldn't be an honest representation of how I really feel about it all.</div>
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I was thinking the other night (instead of sleeping...what's new) about the very first moment my eyes met my children's after their immediate exit from my womb. I was thinking about the emotions that transpire for most of us Mom's in that moment. I believe a thousand lifetimes pass through our minds in that single blessed second. There are feelings of hope, excitement for what's to come, milestones that are sought after and a drowning amount of bliss and thankfulness when you hold that naked pink baby in your arms for the first time. I myself felt incredibly blessed both times. I remember not wanting to take my eyes off of them in case it was all just a dream or a mirage with the fear that it would disappear as soon as I blinked. It was that good people. I didn't expect a healthy full term delivery with either of my babies. Half of my pregnancy with each of them was spent in bed pumped full of meds to hopefully keep those babes nestled inside for as long as possible. Warnings and classes of what it meant to have a premie and what would take place. Endless trips to the hospital to be rehydrated, or to have the contractions stopped. Vomiting constantly...oh the vomit. Warnings of my own health and what could happen to me if the inevitable would happen, but you know what the inevitable didn't happen, I carried Elliot to two days before his due date and Grace to a month within it and I felt like I myself had been redelivered in those two moments....God blessed my socks off with two perfectly healthy tiny newborns to love and kiss and dream for. And more than pride I was just grateful to hold them in my arms.</div>
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The moments that don't flash before you in that time are the sleepless nights, teething, bumps and bruises, sassy mouths, potty talk, time outs or broken hearts. When you have your second there is no flash of sibling rivalry or fighting. There is no one that tells you that once you become a mother that their joys will be yours too and that there greatest sorrows and struggles will rock you to your very core. </div>
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And this is what I was thinking about as I should have been closing my eyes to sleep. Why doesn't God give you those visions? I think there are probably a countless amount of reasons. I think first and foremost He knows that your love for your child will be enough to get you through all of those hard times. That your love alone that is rooted in Christ for your children will simply be enough. And, oh how it has been in the last year. I think also that we already have all the tools that we need when they are born to us. I don't think anything in our lives happens by accident. Each experience good or worth praying for is used....nothing goes to waste in God's hands. Some of those so called tools may be hard to reach or temporarily misplaced but they will be found sometimes in the most unlikely places. Patience is needed while searching for them though:)</div>
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I have felt discouraged, bewildered and lost in the last year an uncountable number of times. But I have also been blessed by the experiences and discussions that have come with those hard times. I have been blessed by my desire to ask God because there is no one else that I can confess some of these things to. </div>
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My children have held me accountable for my decisions this year. Brian and I made this move with the well being of our family in mind. With the future of our children in our sites. There wasn't any selfish intent for us there. We prayed for months over that decision and made it with the Lord's blessing and prompting. This move has been one of the factors of my struggle to mother this year. Children do not understand that their parents constantly have their best interest heart especially when the decisions involve so much change and pain. And so I have stopped trying to explain all of this in that way to them anymore. Rather I have had repeated discussions simply about God's plan for us, and my need to obey and follow His lead. This has been the ticket. As I said before I had the tools for these discussions but it took me a while to find them. We have also had the opportunity to discuss confusion in the plans He has for us at times, that the confusion requires faith to be cleared up. I am not sure I would have had the chance to have these conversations so soon with my kids had we not moved and for that I am grateful! Being questioned by our children is not always comfortable in fact I think it is one of the quicker ways to put us on the defensive. I have found with a bit of further thought though that sometimes they are our best reminders of what we need. </div>
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We have had days that I would rather forget in the last year but I have learned lessons that I would not trade those days for. I have learned that bad days are really non-existent. Sure some our more exciting and happy than others, but they are all a blessing in their own ways. I have stopped praying for better days and started praying for each day on its on rather than a reflection of the one at hand. God has so many nuggets of goodness that we unfortunately hide with our own expectations. We have expectations that revolve around just about everything in our lives, health, safety, finances, safety, inconveniences, stability. And isn't it true that we have expectations for motherhood as well. Those expectations hold us back folks it keeps us from being able to experience what God really has for us.</div>
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My expectations for motherhood were all seen in that first moment that I saw each of them. I wanted them to be happy. In fact their happiness is the main topic of my conversations with Brian about them. But being happy isn't always number one, in fact much more comes from our disappointments sometimes. And even still happiness seems so much easier to mother than disappointment. Happiness is something that only requires hugs, kisses, pats on the back and sometimes a lasso. Disappointment though....boy howdy, disappointment can me simply the opposite....you can never be sure which avenue it will take to melt itself down. I can honestly say my kids had dealt with a very small amount of disappointment in their lives before the move. It was always my goal to create a biome of green valleys and quiet streams for them to exist in. Truth is that is not reality and that does them no favors. Now we focus on the good and worth praying for equally recognizing each for what they are and the tailspin the latter used to send us into is much less most of time, because they are learning that it is a possibility. They are learning that life has so little to do with what we want or what we "need." </div>
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I love being a mom but it has changed greatly for me over the last year. It is not something I see as job anymore...not even a calling, instead it is something I see that I was always meant to be. Sure the title was issued on the day they were born but God had prepared me for long before they arrived. I was created to mother Elliot and Grace. Once I realized that I felt indestructible. I felt like I could handle it all. There will still be days that are hard, there will still be days that I have no idea what I am doing, but that does not mean they were bad, nothing is a loss. </div>
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Happy Mother's to all of you Moms out there. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8247134442421483607.post-23532575451480852652013-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:002013-04-25T12:00:03.204-07:00A little photo catch up.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Spokane continues to prove itself to be beautiful and full of wonder as the days pass.<div>
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We are overwhelmed with the amount of time we are able to spend outside and how much there is to do.</div>
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One of our favorite things to do is hike down by the river, but we also love our bikes and playing at the dozens of parks that this city has to offer. </div>
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In the last week most days have been in the 60's and the warmth in the breeze brings the promise of summer. But for now we are enjoying what we have in the moment. <br /></div>
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It seems as the days pass we learn more and more about our little Gracer Girl. She is no easy nut to crack. She is thriving in homeschooling and most of her anxieties have subsided. However she still cries about leaving for college....in 10 years:)</div>
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Some days we even do a bit of our schooling outside. This makes everyone happy.</div>
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I took Grace shopping for some summer things a few weeks back. This dressing room sleighed me. I mean I think I could have just died in that pretty pink room. Grace has a strong love/hate relationship with shopping. But if it involves a snack she is in for the long haul.</div>
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This is my new favorite photo of Elliot. He loved having Todd and Jessie here. HE also loves making us laugh and he succeeds at this very often!</div>
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Speaking of Todd and Jessie they were here and I enjoyed having them as well!</div>
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There is no caption good enough for this!</div>
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Me and my big hunk of man on Easter. </div>
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My two little cherubs. I finished Grace's dress at about midnight the night before. </div>
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This book is giving Elliot and I common ground. Lots of good discussion. I wish it would have been around for me in my pre-teens. I suggest it to anyone. Pick up a copy and read it. It will make you better. </div>
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You'll notice it is from the library. That place continues to being one our favorite past times. I have gotten over my fear of late fees...I consider them a membership fee for the library. Nothing like a positive spin to erase the shame those librarians place on you. When they tell me I owe ten dollars its a bummer but when it is only four I feel like I got a really great deal.</div>
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<a href="http://s833.photobucket.com/user/Lovejager25/media/IMG_2626_zpscc953b7c.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img alt=" photo IMG_2626_zpscc953b7c.jpg" border="0" src="http://i833.photobucket.com/albums/zz253/Lovejager25/IMG_2626_zpscc953b7c.jpg" /></a><br />Josherwoggie came to see us for a few days. I just put his porta-crib away. We all miss him like crazy. </div>
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Grandma and I worked together to make four of these little dresses for four sweet little girlies to wear on the cruise. The cruise that we leave on in 4 sleeps. </div>
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And that is the short version of the catch up. We are almost all the way through our curriculum for the year and both kids are beyond where they need to be so that is oh so good!</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01320045538365432959noreply@blogger.com0