Hiding and being known

I feel as if  I refer to the past year in a half a lot.  I catch myself starting endless conversations this way.  I suppose it is because my family and I are still on this journey that really only started in the past year and half.  The other part of it comes from a much deeper, darker space within me.  It could be that I never want to be where I was or who I was prior to this.  I suppose I had led myself to believe that I was okay with it all, that the past was the past and now is just now and the future is nothing we can even measure here on earth.  I do believe all of this whole heartedly except for the past part.  I didn't know until about a month ago that  I was quite ashamed of the past.  As it turns out I wasn't truly accepting my redemption yet.  In fact I believe that I didn't even want to be seen anywhere near that light.

One of the best parts about moving to a new town 6 hours away from the place you thought you would always call home is that no one knows you or your crap ( or what they think they know about you and your crap).  This alone is a fairly fabulous freedom that I had never known.  However anonymous existence only lasts for so long and it isn't really what I believe God intends for our lives.  God used this time to not only free me but to break me and it was effective.  The problem is that this freedom still lingers, that freedom unleashed an unbridled existence within me and for the first time in my life I began to live out my life for an audience of one, that one being my heavenly father.  

Recently I heard others perceptions of me in rather public forum. I wanted to run so fast from those words, they were embarrassing and very much not true, and perhaps the worst part was that although they didn't describe me now they weren't far off from where I used to be.  From who I used to be.  And maybe in the past these feelings would have made me feel a step up in the world.  Now they made me want to hide.  I had forgotten who i was living for and quickly allowed myself to believe that these other persons feeling should be become part of my own.  Instead of adopting my true identity.  

My fault beyond the shame and hiding was that as soon as these emotions came across my heart I began to question God for what he wanted.  I immediately started to pray and ask God what more he needed to strip, what more he needed to take.  What more can I give?  At the same time take it all.  

But the most surprising emotion was the embarrassment. I can't even pick a time in my life where I have been embarrassed.  I am what you would call an open book.  I am quick to point out my ridiculousness.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I really believe that my life and my experiences are not mine to hold but rather are meant to be shared, they don't belong to me.  So the fact that I felt so embarrassed was not only shameful but foreign. Our Sunday gathering was the absolute worst.  I felt as if I couldn't even lift my head.  Making eye contact or engaging myself in conversation was impossible because I was full on invested in not being seen.  I had confused the message I had been sent in my interaction to mean that I needed to be invisible.  If no one saw me they couldn't have opinions and if I disappeared I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.  P.S. it didn't work.  

I spent a week in Vegas with Brian 2 weeks ago.  I had planned to write and to read God's word the entire time I was there.  I knew I wanted to allow God to use that time to fill and change my heart. However, every time I opened my bible it was if I was in the middle of a giant auditorium filled with screaming people. And I allowed that to mean that God was letting me sit in my squalor for a bit.  Allowing me to experience my sin.  Allowing me to feel what I had claimed.  If I wanted to be the own lifter of my very head I could try it.  I don't believe God ever gives us what we truly deserve but I do believe he allows to walk in our sin on occasion to ultimately show us the ways of our own hearts.  And the way of my heart was that I was allowing other peoples view points of me to dictate how I felt about myself but ultimately dictate how I thought God felt about me.  I was willing to give the whole year and half up for someone else's perceptions.  

I don't see the message any different now except that I now realize it has nothing to do with me.  I mean this in the opposite vein of pride.  What God wanted me to give was all of me. I believe now that what I was to learn was that God could care for me in all circumstances that his love was enough to lift my head when I felt as if I couldn't.  That I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Who I was and who I am are all part of his plan.  I am no longer seen in my own light but in the light of Jesus.  Thats the identity I adopt.  

I know this seems like quite the babble and it may not make much sense.  You won't catch me apologizing.  My hope is that within the babble you would find something that reminds you of the very redemption you yourself have been offered.

We have two options we can walk around attempting to hide from the very God that knows us better than we know ourselves or we walk in love, in the truth of being known for who God intends us to be as if we already are.  The latter is much lighter.  The latter is eternal.  

Walk In Love Friends-

Luck turns over to Blessing.....Fear turns to Hope....Worry turns to Trust

I prayed last summer that God would truly and tangibly teach me to trust.  That I would look at my good fortune/ luck as gifts rather than things that I had earned or done something to deserve. That my fear was actually sinful and a direct disrespect to Gods plans for me....as if what HE has or has had for me were not goo enough.

I have received response and teaching in each of those prayers.  My faith in the last month specifically been transformed into something that is not only one that is humble but one that has made me more accepting of myself and who God has made to be.  

I have heard dozens of sermons preached over the last 15 years that challenged me to be Christ like, to DO as he would DO, to serve as HE would serve.  And all of these words have been true things in which to search for but I had spun them around in a way, that I am not sure I was striving in the right direction.  I heard a sermon preached just a few weekends ago that challenged me.  That I first I thought may be very backwards or even wrong(yep).  But after a few more sermons and some soul searching I think I have now come to the realization that I have in fact had it wrong for a very very long time.  It was the most freeing and lovely moment I  have ever had in what I believe was God's presence in my life.  I have not entered our gathering service without tears rolling down my cheeks in over a month and it has been so incredibly overwhelming for me. I have had to let go of the fact that people are probably watching me, that my children are sitting next to me, that many of these folks are new friends of mine and they don't know me well enough to know that when I am overwhelmed with emotion I cry....its beyond my control. It as if I am hearing parts of the gospel for the very fist time there is a new light to it all.

I have struggled most of my life with the overriding thought and understanding that I needed to earn all that I have, love, money, acceptance, grace, safety, comfort etc.  It is hard for me when I realize that people love me for who God has made made me to be.  When people accept for for all that I am or even worse all that I am not.  And my relationship with Christ with God has reflected much the same.  I have lived much of my time as a Christian attempting to be Christ like, to earn his love, his acceptance and his grace for me.  Thats why acts of service are so comfortable to me because than I have "earned my spot in the kingdom.  It at times has left me feeling empty, jaded, burnt out, lonely and afraid.  And I wonder how many people have struggled with this same sickness, this same sin.  

We have been hearing a sermon series taken from the book of Genesis this summer.  I have heard some of these stories that I have taught in my Sunday School class for a decade in a whole new light.  I have had light shed upon my sin that I have been justifying for just as long.  I have seen with my own eyes the parts of me that need to be let go. The parts that need to be enhanced.  And most of all I have seen that its not about being Christ-like as I have interpreted it to be.  I am so incredibly unable to be like Christ there is not a part of me that will ever be perfect or even close to it. But rather God wants me to be the Jessica that he intended me to be.  A Jessica without sin, a Jessica who realizes that his forgiveness and Grace is not about my doing, it is not something that I can ever earn or deserve, it is simply about his mercy and it is a gift.  

There are parts of my life that I have chalked up to dumb luck.  There are parts of my story that I though were to dirty, to dusty, to dark to allow myself to think that God was in fact right there with me.  That were times that he has given me blessing simply because he loves me.  That my deserving has nothing to do with the fact that I made it through those times was simply a gift.  

Blessing in my life has become a commission.  I am approaching life now with Gods blessing on and over me. Hoping and praying that others may feel Christ's love for them not because I am striving to be Christ like but simply because he lives within me and and is blessing me with the tools in which to be the Jessica that God intended me to be.  I still stink at this much of the time, but I am finding that my realization of my own sin comes much easier in this, that my ability to trust that my repentance brings true forgiveness and that I can trust that God's love is one thing that will always be with me no matter what I DO.  There is nothing I can do that will earn God's love, that will earn the Grace he so loving gives me, that I will in fact never probably never deserve it and that's okay. 

This has been so incredibly freeing to me.  At first I felt ashamed for not understanding this correctly.  For going so long having it all messed up. But as I told Brian this past Sunday on our drive home from Church, I felt that a big part of me had died and at first that was confusing and I wanted it back, I wanted the work back that made me feel so much a part of God's kingdom,  I don't want that anymore, I have felt like I have been broken and I was striving to be put together but I don't want that anymore either.  I just want to live with Gods blessing over me, in this new way.  It may be a number of Sunday's more before I can enter church without being overwhelmed with emotion but if that means living outside of the light I now see, I don't want it any different.

I challenge you to think of  A blessing as a commission rather than always an act, or as our sermon stated this past Sunday a really yummy hamburger.  

This song has been running over and over in my head for two weeks now.  It is one we sing in our services very often.  The words are so true for my own life.  The fear I have lived with so long and I am now rid of.

Brokenness Aside

All Sons and Daughters

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
'Cause all I know
Is how to run
[ Lyrics from: http://www.cloverlyrics.com/e86382-all_sons_and_daughters~brokenness_aside_lyrics.html ]
'Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing it's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will You call me child
When I tell you lies
'Cause all I know
Is how to cry

'Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing it's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful

Home to Me.

I struggled with getting out of bed yesterday.  If I were being honest I would say that church was the last place I wanted to go.  This last week was dark.  Praying was even hard and I started to doubt that what I thought was God's plan was maybe just our own desire.  Truth is this move has been so difficult.  I am now homeschooling as you know which is a blessing but also very difficult when you don't have any family or friends around to offer you relief or help or a coffee date.  On top of that Brian has been gone much of the past three weeks, Tri-cities for 3 days, Bellevue for 3 days and Now Vegas this week for 4 days.  Him being gone means I am alone most of the time with my cherubs and grandma....to say I am lonely would be an understatement.  It has been hard in all of this to be the wife and the mother I so strive to be.  And in this I have become a doubting Thomas and a negative Nellie.  

I have had plenty of time to realize what I miss and to develop that into a strong description of what I think home is.

Home to me is a little blue house, on a quiet street, surrounded by houses full of sweet children that count on me for popsicles and fresh cookies.  Home to me is a place where my friends gather several times a week and raid my pantry and fridge for snacks, where we pack my dining room full of people until it resembles a sardine can and laughter can be heard form miles away.  Home to me is a school filled with lovely friends and families, whose children love mine....a school that resembles a Cheers of sorts where everyone knows your name and you k now theirs as well.  Home to me means hands that are busy and hearts that are full, a long list of to do's, wants and helps needed by others.  Home to me is a church where you fit just right and people notice when you are gone.  Home to me is grandparent's for my children, and sleepovers and McDonalds dates.  Home to me is my nephew running through my house terrorizing anything that can be moved and begging me for fresh snacks.  Home is being part of a community that is made up of strong give and takes, support, love and laughter.

I suppose you can say that I have been homesick and it has developed into a bit of sepsis.  The sepsis has infected my every movement, I have allowed it to rob me of simple joys and this existence here has become a bit of a routine rather than a life.  

Well Sunday's are important.  The routine of it is sometimes what gets us there and it is so important to me that my kids get there every week. That they are at least somewhat in part a part of something bigger.  That they are fed the promises they so much need.  That they feel untied in fellowship with others.  And so  yesterday I pulled my miserable bum out of bed, got dressed and we all went on our way.  I felt grumpy on the way to church....which is the wrong way to feel.  I was just sure that I would feel like that through the whole service.  But what I forgot that God is bigger than my grouchy heart. And what do you know the sermon was on the concept of "home" and what that means to us as Christians.  And boy did I need to hear it.  It is a sermon I have heard dozens of times....we all know where our one true home really is and it can't be found here.  I was reminded that my home is with God in heaven and this is all just temporal.  That so much of what I long for can be found with Him and in Him alone.  And to tell you the truth i had avoided Him most of the past week.  It hurt to much to pray or to read my Bible.

I was reminded yesterday of another time that I had felt this way.  Before we moved into our little blue house we moved into a little apartment in Bellingham.  I was pregnant with Grace, sick, on bed rest, chasing an almost 2 year old busy boy around and house shopping.  I didn't want to be in that apartment, I didn't want to be sick, I wanted my toddler to take a nap, but most of all I was searching for this feeling of home.  I remember during this time every time I would stop and pray I would weep.  I would weep the whole time I prayed, every time I opened my Bible the same emotion would happen, I would weep as soon as I opened the cover. I would weep because I felt I was missing something and believe that something was God.  It was a hard time, one that I look back on with a mix of emotions.  In fact it is a time I can now think back on and be thankful for. In the end God blessed me immeasurably.  In that new home he created for us we were able to experience so many things...good, bad, sad and happy. 

And I suppose that this chapter I am currently in is very reminiscent of my time then 8 years ago.  I was waiting for something but I was choosing to wait with God for that something to happen. And there lies the difference between then and now, I was waiting with God.  

Yesterday was a hard one.  I struggled with what I had been feeling and where I needed to be.  And so now I move forward.  I move forward with God and I am again weeping in my Bible but I will get through.  I am not sure how, but the good thing is that God does.  There is so much uncertainty and that has been my excuse to disconnect.  I had been given so much stability in that little blue house and I suppose there inlies its very own problem.  God is not only my stability, my comfort, my strength, my community but He is my HOME.

Yesterday ended so well.  I got bold and I invited another family form school over to watch the Super Bowl.  The four of us were so excited for this time to fellowship.  I was able to cook and clean in preparation for others.  Grace decorated the house with "football" decorations.  And Elliot got out all sorts of toys to entertain the kids.  And we had a glorious time.  God blessed us with people we had things in common with.  Children for my children to play with.  And an all around great even spent with others.  And I didn't forget to thank Him for it!  

My heavenly home is settled and I trust that we can be given an earthly one too in time.

Servanthood.

I usually don't post these sort of things on this old blog.  However we had a wonderful message on Sunday morning and I think it could be beneficial for just about anyone to hear, no matter your faith or denomination.  

The topic is Servanthood.  The message is from our associate pastor and it was our first time hearing him preach.

Click here to listen.

I'll be back tomorrow with something mild and non-controversial. 

I made this for dinner the other night with a few of my own tweaks and changes.  Brian said please don't lose this recipe.  I love this website.  Lots of seasonal recipes to be had here!

What a Christmas.

Before I show you the typical Christmas fare of photos, kids in sweet pajamas and Christmas faces full of surprise I need to be honest about the season and how it really was for me this year.

Christmas attempted to make itself into something that was really not Christmas at all. In fact it may be even blasphemous for me to mention it in this way. But that is truly how it felt. In fact the last months have felt that way.

My journey towards spiritual obedience is not one that has been full of white puffy clouds and rainbows. Rather the deeper I get the harder it seems to become. Before you think that I am searching for a pity party...It is really quite opposite. When making the choices that we have made and ending up in the valley that we currently reside in it sometimes feels as if the whole way traveled has been uphill. But I will still shout from the rooftops that I know with every fiber of my being that we took the right road that we have followed the right map. I know that we followed where God led. And I am constantly reminding myself that just because we are obedient and faithful does not mean that things will be smooth, easy or anything resembling perfection. No, sometimes the first step in obedience is simply more of it with a heavy dose of patience. It is strange though in the upheaval, disappointment and sometimes questioning I have never felt more at peace about life. I do not know why we are here yet or why we were called to leave our contentment but we were none the less....so it goes.

I feel as if I am always quick to search for a silver lining, to find a way to be thankful for the misfortunes that sometimes greet me. The reason for it is because I can't think of a single bad time that wasn't fixed at some point, that wasn't evened out with understanding and reasoning over time or made relevant and I mean that. And as many of you know I have been faced with a healthy handful of interesting life happenings. This move has been no different. Things have not turned out as originally hoped for, making for moments that I feel less than content. And the silver lining is far from being found but its the moments that I have experienced before that have prepared me for this and even for whats to come.

I love the poem from Mary Oliver, called the Uses of Sorrow.

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.

This couldn't be more true. This whole life is a gift and I may not always feel like recognizing it but the truth remains. The joys that I am given on a daily basis are simple reminders that much grace is needed and much grace is given. Grace I do not deserve at all. Most of what I have really is undeserved...and earned I think not for I fall short daily of what it would take to earn the kind of grace I receive.

The fact that I have enough socks to wear two pair at the same time everyday and a washing machine to wash them has been a gift as of recently. Plumbing alone is a gift which I was reminded of over the holiday when we were without use of our sewer for 3 days while trying to celebrate the holiday. I am reminded daily as I drive the streets of downtown of what it means to have a warm home at all. There are many that have walls made of tarps out there. My children's innocence being spared through all of the recent tragedy is a mercy I have been granted for whatever reason, I pray for the others whose is lost. I think of all that I have that would seem like a luxury to much of the world, all the things that I take for granted completely forgetting that much of the world has no access to more than half of what I have. I could make a list a mile long that have nothing to do with my main circumstance that outweighs what troubles me the most. For it is in the small things where the blessings shine through the most. Sometimes our happiness and blessings do lie in what appears to be darkness. Sometimes that everlasting blessings come from what seems like the least hopeful.

So as it appears Christmas was something different this year. I am not sure I have ever been more focused on the Star of Hope and what was found underneath it.

It may take me years to realize why we made this move and why it has gone the way it has...yet it may take months or days, and at the end of this day what does time frame really matter. I am really not searching for an earthly gift anyway, its the eternal one I have interest in. And so the chiseling continues, and my main prayer is that God would find a way to use me in all of this, that he would find a way to make me more useful for his purpose in his molding. I never knew when I started praying for obedience and patience and trust that it would take me where it has. But it has and I am here and I will be better for it. And not better for me but for Him.

Relax and Let Me Lead You.

This would be a good theme for me to live by.

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that my silence lately on here is do to overwhelming anxiety of choices that are needing to be made and not by me. Whenever I feel as if I can't be 100% honest on here it paralyzes my voice.

Grandma and Grandpa VP gave me a copy of Jesus Calling for my birthday. I read this mornings and then was drawn to the next page just by the Title. Relax and Let Me Lead You-through this day.

Anxiety has been an overwhelming theme these last couple of weeks. It has overrode my initial reactions to situations, I have allowed it to rob me of my joy at times and it has more then definitely robbed me of most of my sleep. The sleep part has been taking a toll. I have learned that while laying a wake I can run through my blessings and thank God for each one, it is amazing how many you can come up with when faced with hours in which to do it with:) I can say in the last three weeks I have felt so close to God just waiting for his will to unfold. I know he is teaching me though this. He is teaching me to wait....I stink at being patient....always have and he has been showing me I have no other choice right now. And so I wait. And so WE wait I suppose.

I can not help though feeling as if life is in limbo a bit. In a number of weeks my life could change dramatically at a time of the year when being able to know what to expect should be set in place. However, I have been trying to remind myself that all of the important things will stay the same no matter what happens and that doesn't always come with knowing what will happen next. And the decision we have been faced with is none other than an amazing opportunity. I am just not sure I have been faced with an opportunity of this magnitude in a time of such contentedness. I am not sure exactly how to react to it all. In obedience God makes life so smooth sometimes you are almost afraid to let go completely as if you do you may then experience great change. The Jagers decided to let go a few months back and as soon as that happened I started to feel a churning of being on the brink of a new chapter. I started praying over the churning. And it is interesting how things happen...how the churning turned into wonder and questions and opportunity. How the churning meant the chance to experience new blessings.

And so it goes. I may remain quiet still for awhile. Once I know what this all means you will know. And maybe the change won't happen and it will all be wrapped into a time of great growth in my trust and patience in what GOd's will is for me and mine.

This is what the rest of the passage said in case you are wondering.

Relax and Let Me Lead You through this day I have everything under control: My control. You tend to peer anxiously into the day that is before you, trying to figure out what to do and when. Meanwhile, the phone or the doorbell rings, and you have to reshuffle your plans. All that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you form Me. Attentiveness to Me is not only for your quiet time, but for all your time. As you look to Me, I show you what to do now and next.

Vast quantities of time and energy are wasted in obsessive planning. When you let ME direct your steps, your are set free to enjoy Me and to find what I have prepared for you this day.


Jesus Calling July 26...

The now for me is simply wait and the next is for Him to determine and for me to abide. And that I will do. It is harder than it sounds I would say I am following this about 70% of the time at best. I am working at it though. And I known in the end no matter what the outcome I will walk away feeling blessed to have a God that loves me, cares for me and most importantly has a plan even when I don't know what it is. He already knows how it will all work out and no amount of my worry will change that.

They WIll Know We Are Christians By Our Love.

Yesterday I picked up the paper to see a picture of the once revered Dutch Village Mall. How sad that is in the shape that it is in. Maybe you remember that the Angry Blueberry attempted to open a restaurant there. Some of you also know that the Angry Blueberry also lost some money in that venture. I did not have a good experience there. But here is the deal, those things happen in business. This is not what my feelings from the article are about though. My beef has to do with the need the author of this article felt to slander this business owner. To use his name and recite "anonymous" comments made by previous tenants. Is it necessary to berate someone in such away to get your point across? Does it stink that the mall is in such disrepair? YEP! Will it help to tear this man to pieces that was created by the same God as you and me....NOPE. What would help is if someone could buy it....I have seen for sale signs. I also know this guys runs a hard bargain....but some situations are not easy to deal with and our calling is to pray and wait. Not try to hurry things along with sharp words and forked tongues.

I am watching a similar situation happen to two dear friends of mine. I love them to bits. They have been good to me since the moment I moved into my neighborhood. Loved me at times like a daughter. Supported me, prayed for me, my children, my family. Come alongside in times they needed not. And yet I have heard on first account people attempting to tear them to shreds. They will not be torn. They will only be strengthened because God does that for the persecuted. He refines us in our times of struggle, He helps us to learn not only from our shortcomings but the shortcomings of others.

I can not help but question have we not been called to exhibit Grace and Love in all times and in all things? Ever heard the oldie but goody, They will know we are Christians by our love.? How often to we fail to follow this commandment, this claim. How often do we forget to love, we preach self control and grace but we leave it in our beds in the morning. Instead at times we bring our ugly mouths to the table and allow the sin to fill our breath, before remembering that it is God that gave us those mouths to preach the good news and to LOVE. To pull one another up not push one another down. What good is it to fill the air between you and another with ugliness.....God does not use it for what you intend. The truth will shine through and the lies will fall to ashes.

I felt ashamed to be a part of this town yesterday. As this story was on the front page...a witness to how we must treat others in this town. And I have been ashamed recently to be part of a body of believers that have failed to love in times of struggle and disagreement. There are ways to make your opinions known, ways to share your beliefs-even if the differ from others-, there are ways to disagree, in a way that is glorifying to God. In ways that leave none with bad feelings. We don't see it often but it can be done. My MIL always says bad feelings fester and that is so true. Bad feelings can fester if we leave them in and even when we let them out if we don't respond to Gods commandment to love and show grace first.

Heck in my own little group of the closest friends we have different viewpoints on all the(what we like to call) big things, religion, politics, social status, schools for our children. But do you know what reigns...our ability to love one another for who God has made each of us to be in Him, not what we wish one another to be. That is what I wish myself and those around would remember to to do in all times...not just in the relationships we hold important. That we would remember the guy that cuts us off in the roundabout is just as important to God as my best friend. And I should to react as such.

I think we are all guilty of these mistakes I know I am, yet I am trying to learn and it has become easier for me to catch myself and repent more regularly. The quicker I realize my own shortcomings the easier it is for me to love others for theirs. It is quicker to remember that we are all saved by Grace the very thing we are called to exhibit, and thankfully so...because I fall short everyday.

I don't mean to be preachy...if anything this a reminder for me. You all just get the privilege of reading the thoughts in my brain...Lucky you:)



They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that all unity may one day be restored
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other, we will work side by side
We will work with each other, we will work side by side
And we'll guard each one's dignity and save each one's pride
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love

And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love

And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

Love is patient, love is kind
Never boasts, not full of pride
Always hopes, always trusts
The evidence of Christ in us

Confessions of an Over Packer.

So I packed on Sunday. It was time. I had cleared my mind and my schedule and I was ready to go. To bad the plane tickets clearly state our plane leaves March 28......but nonetheless Costa Rica here I come.

Some have asked what I packed. One of the other questions was, how many bathing suits did you bring? Well heres your one stop shop to all the answers of whats in my bag. You are all on the edge of your seats I can tell;)

Here's the big picture....

I brought five bathing suits ( I bought two of them new this year, the rest are from past summers). They are bikinis. I think everyone should be able to wear whatever style they are comfortable in. I plan on wearing a two piece for some time yet.

Two pairs of shoes. Plus whatever I wear on the plane.

These little babies keep you from having any bra straps hanging out. My Grandma has severe issue with this, as in she will point it out and remind me to not be caught with the problems...ladies have proper undergarments.

All shorts are not created equal. I wanted to get a new pair of denim shorts. I haven't bought new shorts in years. We have such a short summer that I just have never managed to wear my old ones out. Apparently styles have changed since the last time I shopped for shorts. Most of the shorts are just that short. Like daisy duke short. And well although I do appreciate a bikini, when I want to be clothed I want to be appropriately covered. Having your booty hanging out the bottom of your shorts is not a good look for anyone...just sayin. I did manage to find a pair that I loved though they are super cute and have an appropriate inseam:)

And Bam like magic I'm all packed up folks. I'm not even maxing the thing out. Told you I could do it!

Thanks again to the Brewer and his lovely wife my Rah for lending us these rad bags. They make my packing a dream!

In other news I have two soccer games int he next two days. If you are looking for some free family fun you can stop in the Sportsplex and watch a bunch of ladies pretend to play soccer:) 7pm tonight and 2pm tomorrow...

This week I also started a new challenge for myself. I like to surround myself with prayer as often as possible. I have shared before how my children and I pray in the car on the way to school every morning. I also pray for each of them as I leave their school in the morning. This week though I decided I was going to choose a different mom that I pass in the halls at school during drop off each day. Its a different mom each time. I don't always know what to pray for specifically. But being a mom and wife myself I can ad-lib some stuff pretty easily. Not sure what difference it makes but I find myself so preoccupied with my own day during drop off sometimes I forget to think of those that I am surrounded by each morning that have their own days ahead of them to conquer. I've loved every moment of it.

5 sleeps to warm sunny weather, don't hate me:)

Wow.....

We have had 7 nights of consecutive sleep. Yep you read right a whole week people. Its been months. Its been months since I have slept every single night for 7 days:) 4 months to be exact:(

I will tell you the fog has cleared and I have had a lot of self realization of what I had let myself become over the last few months and I don't like it. I have been negative and hard and not all that much fun. And even though some would say that I have had an excuse, happiness and joy are sometimes and almost always very much a choice. And most recently I chose to be crabby and to feel sorry for myself. Making the choice to try and control my life and just mosey through my commitments. By Wednesday after 3 nights of sleep I realized where I went wrong....it was heartbreaking and I have had to make many apologies. By Thursday Brian declared he had his wife back:) That patient amazing man is the most wonderful human being on the planet:) I am back ...I feel like a million bucks and am so so thankful for great Dr.s' that could help us find a solution and for a God that is so full of Grace that he can even forgive me! Elliot even has noticed the difference making many comments about his sleeping ability and it so sweet. He even woke up in the middle of the night once and was able to fall back to sleep on his own...may not seem like a big deal to you but for him it is amazing. He no longer has bags under his eyes, and his appetite has been restored. His anxiety has been way more manageable and he seems more patient and back to his bright self:) We like it!

I can tell you I have much to learn about trusting God. I have much to learn about patience and joy in all things. I am still very much a work in progress and I am so thankful when I realize this. It is the hards times that shape us the most....and this has been one of those times.

I had forgotten how good it feels to smile. And I have had a smile plastered on my face for the last three days....my cheeks are starting to hurt:)

Thanks to all who have been praying us through this journey. We are so blessed to be loved by so many!! Elliot is so blessed to have so many who care for him so deeply!

So heres to a new chapter that includes sleep and a challenge to remember that God is in control of all things. And all things are resolved in His time!!

Numero 600.......

This is my 600th post woot woot.

Us four Jagers had a movie night this past Friday. It was so much fun. We even made home made pizza with whole wheat crust (my kids would rather Little Ceasars but they don't complain to much).

Grace made a giant "cozy spot" on the floor and we snuggled up and enjoyed the show.


I love these three more than anything.....I mean look at them!

Mr. Husband left for Disneyland this morning. He was awarded a special honor at work as well as a conference held in Disneyland by the Disney Institute. They are even putting him up in the Grand Californian. I scream no fair:) At the same time I couldn't be prouder. Only one other person was chosen from our district so it was a very large compliment. I am so thankful that my husband has a job where he can find joy and fulfillment. It has been and continues to be a blessing.

In other news we have decided that we are taking everything we need to Costa Rica in two backpacks. We will also check one bag that has our sunblock and liquid stuff in it.

So all of my things need to fit in this baby...

The brewer and his wife the infamous Rah leant them to us. They purchased them when they went to Europe for three weeks and these were the only bags they brought. If they could pack for three weeks in these I can surely pack for ten days in one. If you are related to me and have traveled with me before (aka Bubba, Krispis, Jaim or Mom) you can stop laughing now it is possible and I am up for the challenge:) And to catch the rest of you up I may be a tad bit of an over packer...its not a disease but it may be a hint at a not so hidden form of anxiety:) I hate to be without something I need. And if you forgot something awhile travelling with me I most likely have an extra. My Dad is the same way. When you vacation with him if something breaks he surely has what it takes to fix it....your flip flop blows out he has an extra pair probably in various sizes. Its just the way we roll. But for this trip I am vowing to travel light and only take what I absolutely need, it will be good therapy for me!

In other news Grace's class was in charge of putting a chapel service together for school. Today was the day for everyone to enjoy their hard work. If you aren't familiar with our schools practices, at Ebenezer on the last Wednesday of every month they hold a chapel service, each grade takes a turn throughout the year to plan, prepare and host it. I try to go to chapel every month simply because it is a great reminder to watch these kids innocent perceptions of their faith. I love it! It is also such a great opportunity for these students to participate in something that stretches them and teaches them about public speaking, and performance as well as them learning to speak openly about God in a public setting. Grace has been ecstatic about the service for over a week and all she talked about was a play they had put together. She informed me this morning that she was an actor and her part was a boy but it doesn't matter because its just pretend. She then went on to say she didn't want to be a narrator because she gets stage fright and that makes her voice small and squeakish:) I thought this was a profound realization and was proud of her for being joyful it what she was good at. Isn't it wonderful that God makes us all strong in our own right. If God had made us all willing speakers there would be no actors:) That is what Grace and I talked about this morning. And i was so thankful for the reminder once again that we are all made with our own purpose and strengths to complete it.
I didn't get a great picture so you will have to deal with what I got. The kids were pricelessly adorable. There are 11 in her class this year and they are all so sweet.

Grace has the hat on in the striped dress.

I just got a call that Elliot's medication came in at the pharmacy. Another praise would be for amazing medical benefits the prescription cost 60 cents:) So here's praying for a new normal, hopefully sleep will be upon us.

Thanks for hanging in here with me I k now what I write isn't always butterflies and rainbows. It has always been my goal to keep it real around here:) But don't think for a moment that I don't feel blessed in this life...It's everything I never knew I wanted and more!

Sometimes you need a reminder.

I wrote this two days ago.....that very night Elliot slept through the night and last night as well. Last night we all slept in fact. I woke up this morning almost feeling like a new woman even wore my favorite heels to church;)

I read today that the phrase "do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. I guess that is a reminder to be fearless.

It is so hard to remember this sometimes. I cannot possibly count the times I have been afraid in the last months since we started this chapter with Elliot. What a waste my God must think of the time I have spent afraid and worried. Why is so hard to trust for us mothers when it comes to our kids. I can not speak for all mothers but I have talked to enough of them that I know am not alone in this feeling. I can trust with my finances, my marriage, my job, my church, most of my family but when it comes to those two little cherubs I get all mother bear and want to hide them in a cave. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it all. I have to be the one to protect. But how many times have I preached that my children are only mine on loan? It's a reality check if I really do believe that statement. If I really believe that they belong to my God then I must leave them in His hands to fix and protect. I must only worry about that which I can control which is not much:) This thought and proclamation alone is enough to make me worry and be filled with fear. But it is what I must do.

We waited all week for the Dr. to call as they had promised and they didn't. I was angry, I was worried, I was discouraged....and I can't help to think that God is using this to do a mighty work within me. Teaching me patience and trust. Every night I pray without ceasing and I am ashamed to admit I wake feeling faithless and empty. I know my God is with me....I mean that. I know he is watching over all of us....I mean that. However, I feel as if he doesn't hear me right now and that is so frustrating. I also feel guilty because I know ultimately we are healthy and happy. I know many of you and many others have got it and have gone through things so much more trying and consuming than what we are experiencing. I guess I am just tired of the tiny glimpse of the fatigue and exhaustion that comes from having a child that suffers from something that seems chronic at least right now. Somedays feel as if they are so long I could fall asleep just about anywhere. In fact I am not a napper I find them to be a waste of time (for me), but I have taken more naps in the last few months then in my whole life and this is not me being dramatic.

This all being said God always has a word to remind me of how I need to feel, a word about where I should turn and how I should walk.

I like the Messages version of Isaiah 41:10 -
Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

If He has a firm grip I can let go:)

I hope my realization meets you somewhere as well. Its rough being a mom....I told my MIL the other day it was just stupid this mom stuff:) And Jagers don't even say stupid by the way. I guess I was mostly referring to how crazy I can get when it comes to my children....I know I'm not alone. There is a reason for the bond we feel with them. God intends for us to love them like no other and I suppose the extra comfort I feel in this is when I compare this with how much God must love my kids! There is nothing that compares to His love and i need to learn to trust in it more.

Hope you had a blessed Sunday. The mountains in our area were so amazing today, covered in fresh snow with the sun shining so brightly on them making them appear as that of a painting. Breathtaking, my God made those too!!

Half my life and how it began.

The day after we got engaged my mother in law threw us a little engagement lunch party after church. You know whats funny I still remember what we ate...Prime Rib and her famous Yorkshire Pudding with gravy....oh yes that meal is one of my ultimate favorites! Doesn't this picture of BJ look like our Elliot?

Today marks the day my husband asked me to marry him. I know I have told the story many times and that isn't what I intend to do here today. However it is always a day of reflection for me. This week not only marks our engagement but also the crazy anniversary of us meeting for the very first time 15 years ago. Yes folks this week marks the fact that I have spent 1/2 of my life with my husband. Excuse me....what???? This fact alone brings emotion not only to me but some of the strangest emotional reactions from others. For some people this simple piece of information cheapens it for them. You get strange comments such as,"oh so you were high school sweethearts? How sweet...." Or, "Wow you got married so young." Or...my favorite,"How could you have possibly known what you wanted that young." My response if I don't make the choice to quickly flee the situation is not always so nice.....:) What my nice response would be is, "It was not up to me who I would fall in love with and when." The second part that grabs much response is when I tell them I was really in love with my husband in High School....not puppy love not teenage hormonal lust (although there was that too)...nope I was full on in love with him! And today for the first time I think I have it formulated in my mind well enough to explain how and why that was and is.

I met my husband at a high school dance...yep a room full of sweaty hormone crazy teenagers with the soundtrack of "I Got Five On It" playing the background. Oh 90's music how I love thee! Moving forward. The "friend" I rode with to the dance introduced us, and apparently she forgot to tell me that she was interested in BJ before we arrived. If she would have God would have had to get a lot craftier because I would have never accepted his offer for a dance and I would have attempted to slap away any attraction I had for him. But she didn't make it known so well that friendship didn't last....because as soon as I danced with that boy it was all over for me! The way he looked at me was not how I was used to boys looking at me. The way he talked to me made me feel as if he actually cared about what I had to say. And I can tell you I had never experienced an interaction with the opposite sex in this way before. Sad, but true. He ruined me for anyone else I would date int he future. The bar had been raised and I realized I deserved how he was treating me.

So fast forward a couple of months. Oh man the unedited story of BJ and Jessica is hilarious to me now....I will spare you all the details...my mother in law and grandmothers read this:) What I will share is that as time went on I began to feel love, I began to feel acceptance...I could be exactly me, I never had to pretend to be anyone else with BJ. I will also share that I had never experienced unconditional love in my whole life. You may think this a bold statement and it is but it is nothing short of the truth. Love that I had experienced at this point also had to be earned and came from my fulfilling someones elses role for me. At this point I was not a Christian all that would come!

So here is the rest of this bold story. After almost 2 years of a crazy high school relationship things to began to get difficult. God wanted me for his own so bad, and I was fighting it because I didn't know how to balance my relationship with a boyfriend and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. At the time I had put BJ in a very poor position, I had put him on a pedestal that had one place to go and that was down because he was human. This love I felt I never wanted to lose. What I didn't realize at the time was that if I would accept the love of Jesus for all that it was I would never lose "love." I would never lose the acceptance that I felt from that boy because no matter if I had him or not I would always have God with no matter where I went. But God was working. I would hear Jim Huleatt deliver the message of Gods unfailing love for me a few times a week and I had convinced myself my devotion could be in both places. (by the way for a time BJ and I were only allowed to see each other 2 times a week so church and youth group were for the most part the only time we saw each other) Oh I was so confused its painful for me to admit. It is humbling to share all this.

So, you probably already know where this story is heading...yep 1 week before prom we broke up. I was devastated because I had convinced myself I would never have that love again. That that was my one shot and I screwed it up. What was even more devastating was my mother called my MIL up and informed her that BJ would still be taking me to prom. Oh my goodness, insert dying of embarrassment here:) What an awkward evening:)

Further more that devastation brought longing. Longing for the feelings I thought I had lost. I felt empty in a way I never had before, but not for long. I continued to go to the same church I had gone to through my relationship with BJ. I never missed church or youth group and this is when I began to blossom. I started to become the real me. The me with Christ living in me. And I can tell you with tears rolling down my cheeks, I know that God was big enough to bring this about in another way if he needed to, but I love my story I love that he drew me to him in the way that he did.

The end of the story is as follows. The day after Christmas 1999 I was baptized and declared my profession of faith. It was the single most beautiful moment of my life. One that will remain with me forever. One that is personal in so many ways. I am always so amazed at the stories people have of how they came to Christ and this is part of mine.

And 3 years later I stood in that very same church and made promises to a man that God had redelivered to me...and no I don't think I was to young and yes I knew exactly what I wanted. And the best part of my story is God had taken ahold of my heart....he was #1 and BJ was #2 and that was how it was intended! I had the love I deserved, all of the love God intended me to have!!

So there it is the story of me....the story of God in me and the role that he gave my husband to play in it.

Reading with Grace.

We are the parents that read to their kids every night at bedtime. We have been doing this since their birth, yep I am not being dramatic I would sit in my beloved glider in the nursery next the window and we would read before their eyes could see the pictures and before their ears could understand the words. Even now I feel just as I did then a special relaxed peace comes over me when my head hits the pillow next to theirs and I can say its probably one of the best parts of my day. I am eating up the opportunity to read to them until they inform they don't want me to anymore. I am sure it will come seeing as they can both read without me just fine at this point.

In addition to all this sweet mush I happen to be a self-proclaimed bookworm. I love to read and I am not super picky about what it is.....except self-help... I will not read self help the Bible is my go to self help book. We have a picture book library upstairs and a chapter book library downstairs. I pick them up second hand mostly at the Second Chance or garage sales, unless I can't find a specific book then I stoop to the level of a chain bookstore. I love old books that have been read before time and time again. I love coming across wrinkles in the pages and -gasp- tears every now and then. I have one book that I have read so many times the cover is gone and dog ear marks have broken clean off on some pages. As a kid even librarian was my favorite make believe activity. Nerd much...maybe.

Elliot loves to be read to the most, I think. We have been reading chapter books to him since he was 3 1/2 and he has loved the complex story lines form the beginning. Even if the story is a bit over his head he will ask questions until he understands. He can remember fine details that I forget making parts of the story relevant that would have otherwise been looked over. I love this. I love that he loves this!

Grace until recently loves stories with pictures. Fantasy and mystical story lines being her favorite. With lots of wonder and colorful pictures. A story with a heroine that is about her size will always do the trick. But recently I decided that it was time to read through the Narnia series with her. We read them to Elliot in the first grade so I thought that would be a fun "tradition" to uphold. She was resistent but we are 3/4 of the way through the Magicians Nephew and we are enthralled. She is especially taken by the Lion-if you have read the series you know the character only becomes more and more developed from book to book-now there is plenty of biblical insight and hinting in these books, more than the world would like to admit or realize but oh my its there and Grace realized it last night all on her own. I am reading it to her much as we read it to Elliot, not pointing out the similarities to our beliefs rather waiting for them to notice them themselves. It is a beautiful experiment. And Grace gets it in ways that Elliot never did in fact I feel as if she feels it. This is when I know she is my child...beneath the tough no one can bother me exterior there is soft center to her that can be rocked.

There is a chapter in the book where they have entered another "world" (the new world being Narnia-and are experiencing or witnessing rather what can only be described as creation. It is one of my favorite chapters in the whole series because it describes the Lions actions to a point that makes me cry every time. When they come into the world it is completely dark and silent and in the next moment they hear something - In the darkness something was happening at last. A voice had begun to sing. Sometimes it seemed to come from all directions at once. Sometimes he almost thought it was coming out of the earth beneath him. The lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself. There were no words. There was hardly even a tune. But it was, beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. It was so beautiful he could hardly bear it. - Then two wonders happened at the same moment. One was that the voice was suddenly joined by other voices;more voices than you could possibly count. -The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars. One moment there has been nothing but darkness; the next moment a thousand, thousand point of light leaped out-The new stars and the new voices started all at once.-you would have felt that it was the stars themselves which were singing, and that it was the FIrst Voice, the deep one, which had made them appear and made them sing. The Magicians Nephew-C.S. Lewis

There is so much more description of his singing and the earth coming to be....but I won't bore you with it here. If you want to read it, find a copy. You won't be disappointed,

Grace asked me if I thought God was singing when he made the stars. Oh man what a big question for this old sappy heart. i told her I like to think so. She said she thought that too! How blessed are we to know that there was a God that brought the world to existence. And that the sames hand that made it also made me.

There are only a million different things and symbols you could see when reading this chapter. I mean is not the darkness and then the instant light not a picture of what our lives look like before and after our acceptance of Jesus. Could it be anymore beautiful yet simple at the same time.

If you get anything from this long post I hope that you not only reread these books...but take the time to read to your kids if you have them. How wonderful to be able to have an opportunity to see the world and our faith through a set of innocent eyes. And to hear questions from mouths and hearts that aren't ashamed to ask them. I only wish after Grace I had another set of ears to read to these books to. Maybe decades from now I will have a grandchild I can share them with.

The Top Of My List.

I thought in the spirit of Thanksgiving I would give you the top of my thankful list. This is a complete list obviously but rather the things that are at the top. The cream that has floated all the way up.

First of all I am thankful for a loving and faithful God. A God that has chosen me knowing ahead of time what my shortcomings would be.

Next up my family. Well duh you say. Yes we are small in number and no matter how I dream of a supersize family, my family of four is perfect in size and shape because thats what God gave me. I am thankful that God continues to show me why he has chosen me to be the mom of these two little ones...I am constantly reminded I am the woman for the job. A husband that is my perfect compliment, a man who I can't wait to say I have been married to for a decade....he is my soulmate no matter how you look at. I am not sure why it works all the time but it does. We are blessed with health and stability(our own version at least). We are blessed with warm beds and full tummies,healthy bodies and friends and family to boot. But the true blessing I suppose is that I know with all my being that even if we didn't have these things God would still be here. To say our cup overflows would be a understatement. This is a forever family!

Friends...oh friends. God has given us friends that are really a chosen family. People we can share our lives with completely. Friends we miss when we don't see them. They are a piece to our puzzle. I can't express how much I love that!!! Every year it seems he gives us more to wrap into this gift. And it doesn't always seem to matter if we have known them since we were five or if we just met them this last month...they are all important. Once again we have a year filled with new experiences and wonderful traditions. A year that we can not only rejoice in what we continue to have but in the changes that are sure to come.

Ebenezer Christian School is at the top of my list. I can not tell you how easy it is for me to drop my kids off there 5 days a week just because it is what it is. Teachers that are fulfilling their heavenly calling by teaching my children to not only be scholars but lovers and followers of Christ. I love these teachers. The ability to send my children to this school is a privilege and a blessing. One I will be forever grateful for. One I do not take for granted.

Food. Yep, you knew it would be there. In making a commitment to feed my family in a different way 6 years ago, I am constantly learning. The idea is constantly changing. It has caused me to question, it has caused me to grow, it has made me a better version of me, it has made me a better steward, it has made me a better child of God(no kidding). And now that I am sure you are all rolling your eyes....I am dead serious....no joke. A goal and challenge I set out to conquer was not only snatched up and spun around in a completely yet similar direction also has given me better understanding for what God wants for our family. I am thankful for this, for their are innumerable benefits in this blessing. Not to mention this whole thing grew a passion that was already there and created a business that is quite enjoyable.....Thanks be to God.

And I suppose part of the long list should be mentioned, legs that work to carry me all over, two furry animals you could call dogs that are part of my family, and don't forget our 3 egg bearing creatures in the back yard, a friend that has a farm that I can enjoy from afar and first hand, kids of all shapes and sizes at church that God allows me to minister too, nieces and nephews that give me full arms, a job for my husband that not only provides for us but that he enjoys, a car that runs, a beautiful earth to enjoy and explore, and well the long list could go on and on because it really doesn't ever end it just keeps on growing.

Oh and if you were expecting picture in this post just look through the last year of posts you will find hundreds of pictures of the blessings I am thankful for.

What A Day.......

Today was a challenging day. It started with an hour back. I am not sure how anyone enjoys this. I mean for that hour that we "fall back" I am always laying in my bed wide awake thinking about all I should be doing. And the only reason I stay in bed is because technically it is not 7am yet(a Jager rule for getting out of bed) and because my husband is warm hence my bed is warm and outside of the bed is cold. Other than those two things it is miserable. So I try praying for awhile, I try naming all the things I am looking forward to in my day, I try praying for my kids and the hubdub, I pray for Sunday School(my cute little cherubs), I pray for my high school kids ( i have a secret love in my heart for high schoolers especially girls, post for later...maybe), I prayed for worship practice(not sure these were heard), and that about wraps it up.....at this point it was 6:30am. Yep not 7am. So I bugged the hubdub for awhile, and then got out of bed at 7 and made breakfast. The kids were for some reason over the moon with the idea of cold cereal....whatevs...not going to complain. Moved on to getting ready. Dealing with the mop of hair upon the top of my head and then settling on a ponytail. Pulled Graces hair out of the pink foam curlers she insisted on the night before, oh man she looked cute. Got us both dressed. Time to get Elliot out of the shower, get his clothes out. Teeth brush make up on. Shoes on. Bibles in my bag. We are all ready its 7:50. Yep we do all that in 50 minutes....its a science. Its crazy, but it works. There is no way on God's green earth I am getting us all up before 7am to get ready.

Next up is the excitement of getting in the van on a frosty morning brings. Yes the windshield was frozen and although I splashed water on it only half defrosted. Oh the luxury of having a garage would be over the top for the Jagers...totally not a need and if that meant dealing with a brand new house I am so out but I do dream. So now you can picture four Jagers driving down Grover St. in the blue swagger wagon, windows down, trying to see through the melted spots. Yep we are laughing. Its a blessing this kind of excitement. The Jagers really are a combination of american circus meets party in a box. No one is left out and sometimes I wonder why we were trusted with offspring but they seem unharmed and I think we are actually pretty good at this parent stuff:)

We get to church. Yep everyones still alive. Everyones surprisingly happy. I made Grace solemnly swear she wouldn't throw a fit today. Its a big deal for her on Sunday mornings...I don't blame her. On mornings we lead worship it is no surprise she throws a fit ,I want to as well sometimes.

So we get to church. For some reason things are off. Melding together with others doesn't always work. And to tell you the truth this morning was especially hard. I had a hard time separating worship practice from the class I teach following. It is hard to brush off rudeness and bad attitudes and pretty soon I find myself right down in the pit with them. I was so anxious about practicing in time, I couldn't relax. Mix this with tardiness, complainers, and the like and I am a bear. It is hard to find my solace. It is hard to find my peace. I cried on my walk down the hall to my class. It was overwhelming. I was sad and I questioned everything. So I stole into the bathroom for a quick prayer a bit of a cry. I allowed myself about 2 minutes for this. I walked out of the bathroom feeling refreshed and moved onto my class with my high school kids. We were a small group this morning....Could it be a coincidence that our lesson today was on being thankful in all situations. Nope not coincidence at al. God knows what he is doing all the time. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. He knows how blessed I am by hearing it form others point of view. I always wonder if these kids are as blessed by me as I am by them. They are amazing. Each and every one of them in their own way. I make it a point to tell them this. Even when the little ones are extra naughty which they are some times.

Sometimes people ask why Brian and I do and are involved in all that we are. All I can say is we both have felt called to a life of service. Sometimes that means exhaustion, sometimes that means frustration. All the time it means fulfillment, all the time it means feeling like I am complete in my purpose. God is with me all the time. Sometimes this isn't true for everyone and I have a hard time accepting this. Sometimes this makes me seem intense, driven, committed beyond normalcy and maybe a bit witchy....this isn't how I mean it. The driven, intensity is just me. I think if you know me I am a lot more than this, I have a lot more parts to me. But in my service sometimes I forget to pray for the peace that I need to complete all of it. I forget to pray for peace to enjoy each moment of service even when it stinks. Because sometimes it does....God doesn't promise otherwise.

Not sure why I am writing all this other than to be transparent. It was a hard day...I don't claim to be perfect. I do claim to have a purpose. I do try and be as selfless as possible. I do try to live for God every moment....sometimes its hard. And as one of my students said this morning some days are harder than others. Today was one of them:)

However God gave me my family all to myself this afternoon. And boy did I enjoy all of the sweet smiles, kissable cheeks(oh Grace), crazy dogs, boys excited about double A batteries, girls excited about homemade cookies, an understanding husband, and all of the other joys that I have in my home. And this evening I am looking forward to my homies coming over...people that get me. My chosen little "family of friends."

And I guarantee you tonight when I go to sleep I will have my solace. I will have my peace.

Just sayin.....

You should know that my teaching job hasn't been rainbows and fairies. Nope its been rather difficult and challenging and many other things. I have some theories as to why this is but I am not sure it would be entirely appropriate to air them all out because they are merely opinions.

I will tell you that I have been praying ridiculously over this job, the kids, the school and what not, hoping to catch a glimpse of God's purpose for me there.

Backing up a bit I share my classroom with another teacher and we spend about 30 minutes together everyday. She is wrapping up her classes and I am just beginning mine. We generally talk a bit about how her class was, school procedure, a tiny bit about family, the weather...you know the basics. I try to help her clean up because this can be a big job, generally I try to be a blessing in her day. I am not sure why but I have been feeling God's prompting to befriend her in that 30 minutes. Turns out over the last couple of weeks I have come to find that we share the same ideas when it comes to faith and family. Actually she sends her son to christian school and has found the commitment in that decision to be a blessing. As have Brian and I although I am not ever sure where the cash comes from the commitment is so much more than that (more about that later someday..maybe). She has kids that are older as well in fact most of them are my age. Her youngest was a tag along. So yesterday I was chatting with her and she begins to tell me how blessed I am to have my family near by and such a strong support system in place. She goes on to say her husband was in the coast guard and they moved a lot when her kids were small, making it hard for them to stay near family. This led to me to share a bit more with her concerning some of my current struggles. In that time she blessed me with reassurance and showed me what it means to use your own experiences to bless others. She told me that God always blessed her with friends that felt like family, a church to call her own and his comfort and leading if she remembered to trust. I needed to hear it and I am still trying to believe it but yesterday made it easier.

And now I will tell you one of my struggles at school has been because I can't share the love of Jesus in my classroom, the wonder of Gods creation, or anything even mentioning his name. Oh wow I can't tell you how hard this is. We talk a lot about how things grow, science and nature and all of this that I know with all of my being has been created by God has to be left to happenstance. Struggle Struggle Struggle.....its hell really....and I'm not exaggerating. And it makes me realize the importance of my choice for my children even more.

But among this all God has given me a friend, a blessing in the murky mud and I am so thankful. Someone I can talk to about Him with openly in this place that attempts to be free of Him.

And my classes, they rocked yesterday (even though there was a fire drill). I took the kids on a leaf walk in the fields outside the school and played a silent game of follow the leader where we let our arms point to all of the trees that were changing color. And on that walk I realized that God is everywhere, and even though I had to teach the kids about the presence of chlorophyl in the leaves being the reasons for their changing I knew that God created it all. And even though I can't say it to them out loud I hoped that they would notice my love for the beauty on this earth. I pray that my light will shine every moment I am in that classroom, and I think yesterday it did.

Things That I Am More Than Positive That Don't Matter

Oh anxiety please leave my soul. Please leave my mind. Spirit please fill me to the brim so that all that happens outside of my body is a direct reflection of you living in me. Please let your will be so evident to me that mine melts away.

Today was a hard day. I felt bad several times for having doubt, for having worry....for not letting the simplicity of my existence take over and letting my own complicated way of thinking and understanding take over truths that are given to me.

So many times today I had to remind myself that the only thing that matters is God's love for me and my acceptance of it. Wow how simple. Wow how hard to remind myself of that....but it needs to be daily right now maybe even hourly.

I felt Satan try and take the stronghold several times today when all I really needed to be doing was accepting the joy in the moment...not the sorrow or anxiety of the future. Oh its hard.

Here is my list of things that matter.....its short.
GOD
My Husband
My Little Family
The things that God gives me to love and enjoy.
My work that is God given.

Here is an incomplete list of things that are not important.....its is very long in comparison.
Where I live.
Where I worship...as long as I am doing it.
What others think of me.
What school my kids go to.
How much money I have or don't have....as long as what I have I am using in an honorable way.
Where I work.
What my yard looks like.
What my hair looks like.
What my dinners taste like.
What neighborhood I live in or if I even like my neighbors....as long as I love them in a Godly way.
And so on and so forth.

I catch myself looking at people and things in my life in relation to what I might miss if my life changes drastically. When really the things that matter most will not change at all. It is just like I tell my kids you are never alone because Jesus lives in your little heart and your Mothers love for you never fades. And in my case even if everything I cherish and treasure changes completely the first will remain true. Jesus is always with me. And as long as I stay yolked with my God I need not doubt or worry about what tomorrow may bring. For His timing and His plan will reign no matter what.

My favorite scripture as of late is from Matthew 11:28- 30
The Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

The Message version is nice as well.
Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your lie. I'l show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms or grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

The truth of the matter being if I live my life yolked to my Maker there happens to be no burden at all....only a gift. And that is what my focus will be among tears, the gift I have been given.

How blessed am I.

Words from Max Lucado taken from my Bible Study this week. I have been marinating myself in these words among others pertaining to Gods acceptance of me for who HE's made me to be.

Here are the words....
You are saved, not because of what you do, but because of what Christ DID. And you are special, not because you do, but because of whose you ARE. And you are HIS. Gods grace is HIS unmerited (undeserved) favor toward us.
Max Lucado

I am a lot of things but most of all I am chosen and loved....and so are you. We are commanded to accept this, thats all we have to do.

Have a wonderful rest of your day!

What the Future Holds.

I have been stressing lately. Stressing about what the future holds. There are things and circumstances that have fueled this anxiety, however I would be lying if I said that I don't find my mind worrying about this often or at least regularly.

Oh how easy it is to let your mind wander to even what the next day will be like. Last night I fell asleep thinking about how tired I was going to be after my day today. Really, are you kidding.? I can't be doing this anymore. Because worry leads to doubt and doubt leads to a less faithful heart and a less faithful heart leads to a bad attitude and bad attitude leads to burnout. And burnout is not acceptable if all that I do is really for Gods glory:)

I have also been anxiously anticipating a big change for this family that may unfold in the next few months. I am waiting for some things to snowball and that freaks me out. However I know that it was God that called us to look at the things I am anticipating. He is the one that created the opportunity and he was the one that prompted the prayer in order for us to pursue it.

When I think through the situations of the future in that way the anxiety quickly subsides with the knowledge that my God is in control of every little corner of my life. He is ultimately my future, and in the mean time I need to turn to him to give me peace to give me comfort to give me rest.

In the meantimes I am trying to simplify...for me this means something probably totally different than it would mean for each of you. For me it means duck taping my arms to my side when I enter a room, I can not let myself be the first one to raise there hands to take on new responsibilities or projects. Nope this girl has got plenty. I need to feel comfortable saying that and I am working on it. It means saying no. It means letting myself have free time so that I have time to just sit. The sitting creates more time for me to hear Gods voice and focus on what is totally important. It means trying to have all my "work" done when my kids get home from school so I can feel free to sit and enjoy them. It means focusing on my top 3, God then my husband then my kids, everything else is secondary and can wait. It means letting myself rest.

The common theme seems to be God, sitting and resting. I need to do this more. I need to let myself have a blank day on my calendar to make this happen. Who ever thought it would take so much work to rest. Eventually I hope this is not true!

So my hope to claim simplicity is hopefully going to aid in my peace with what the future holds. Because at the end of the day I know where my eternity will be spent and when I lay my head down at night that has got to be enough.

I am saying it out loud!!!

Okay so I lost my Bible. It has been nothing short of devastating for me. I think I left it in our volvo before we traded it in. I haven't seen it since. I have looked everywhere at least 12 times.

I feel shame, sadness and sadness (did I say that).

Brian gave me that Bible our first Christmas as a married couple, with my new ame inscribed on the front. I have graffitied the margins until some pages have no more room, scrawled hymns and psalms in places that have none, underlined, and higlighted verses and chapters. Written my childrens names in special pages. Some of the pages were becoming tattered from excessive use. In my opinion it was the most beautiful material item I owned and something that was so personal to me. Its gone and it breaks my heart.

Not mentioning it out loud meant it wasn't really lost. For some reason I felt like I had committed a great sin for losing it. I also lost my copy of the message because in that last month before I lost it I was reading them both at the same time. My girl Rah told me it is like any other material item just because it meant the world to me doesn't mean I couldn't lose it.

Thankfully we live in a Bible rich household with many copies. So don't think I haven't been reading..I just don't have mine.

I decided last night that I just need to walk my buns down to the Christian Bookstore and buy myself a new one. We are blessed and spoiled to live in a culture in which we can do so. And I will just start over filling the margins and underlining text and writing names and psalms and hymns to remind me of things.

Now you know...its important to be transparent.