Dear Sweet Grace.....I am her Mama

My Grace turned the beautiful of age of 8 last month.  In the last year I have been able to soak in how incredibly innocent, and pure and lovely this little girl is.  I often catch myself thanking God for how little she has experienced...how naive she is able to be.  As young girls compared at this age of 8 we couldn't have had more different experiences.  Some of the  things I was exposed to by the time I was 8 are things that I hope she isn't even vaguely aware of for some time.  And so in mothering this little beauty I am always struggling with how much to tell her and how much to leave out.  I believe in telling her things and taking time to be gentle in my teaching her I am doing my best to love her completely.  A few months ago we were able to finally chat about how babies get out of their mothers.  Before that she was fully comfortable with the idea that mothers throw up their babies.  She knew deep down otherwise and would ask questions but quickly tell me she didn't actually want to know. One of my favorite things about Grace is that she knows her limits, she knows very well what she can handle, how much she wants, and is never afraid to call uncle when she's had enough.  

I must also tell you that in moving to Spokane the pair of us have been given the gift of some phenomenal girl friends in their respective age groups of course.  In fact personally I can say I have never had so many girlfriends in my life, women that I respect and love and am incredibly blessed to have share their lives with me.  Recently there have been lots of conversations of womanhood, and what that holds for our little rosebuds.  One of the lovely things about homeschooling is that you often have kids that are all different ages and grades that play together without thinking about the number that is attached to their little souls.  And so Grace has some girlfriends that are about 18 months older than her.  Her being tall makes it hard to remember that she is in fact much younger than these girls especially in the grand scheme of womanhood.  My biggest fear in all of this was that these girls would begin to learn and experience changes that Grace's body is not quite ready for.  That there would be girl talk that she found to be confusing or scary.  And as much as I would love for her to be little and sweet and love tutus and baby dolls forever I know that in a few short years we are due for some change, due for some opportunities, due for extreme growth and I find that to be a pink package full of tears and anxiety but also an opportunity for me to teach Grace how beautiful she is to be a woman, to be a daughter of God. 

And so the conversations had begun a few weeks back with my girl friends in how we were all going to approach this.  To be part of such a lovely group of women that love their girls enough to approach this with deep prayer and planning is a humbling thing.  These relationships are ones that I never saw myself having, rather relationships that others had.  To be in a group of women who love their girls already for what they are to become rather than being caught up in the mood swings and attitudes that are already budding is refreshing.  

My story of how these subjects were introduced to me is one that is better than most but still not quite what I wanted to give to Grace.  My mom was very open with me, laid it all out and then said well if you need anything let me know. I knew I could ask her anything.  That part is something I want to replicate with my Grace.  But I also want to give her more.  I want to give her self worth and self love.  I want to teach her that she is a gift that her body is a gift.  That it is never to be something she should ever feel like she has to give to another.  That is nothing she should ever be ashamed of.  That her value is much greater than her outward appearance, her boob size, or what size jeans she wears. That she is someone that God created specifically and purposefully.  

I believe that all of these subjects go hand in hand.  And I know with my Grace it all needs to be handled specifically and gently.  That we have to take it one step at a time. The first day we only got through the chapters on body odor and training bras and she told me we should stop for the day.  And thats when I knew I was handling this in the way that I should. That already she trusted she could tell me what was enough for her. 

This mothering a girl thing has been incredibly healing for me as well as one of the greatest challenges I have ever been given.  But I have found with enough prayer and enough thought put towards who this little girl is has made it worlds easier than I ever thought it would be.  It is a gift to be her mother.  It is a gift that I experienced all that I have in the last 31 years especially the miserable stuff.  The things that made me want to die in my tween years are now coming back as blessings, they are now coming back as reminders of what I want my little sweetie to be prepared for.  Its a chance to give her what I wish I would have had....that's a gift folks.  

And so when things feel scary to me as far as what I feel I am being called to give her I think of how scary it might be for her if I don't.  And so we trudge forward.  We celebrate who we are at 8 and who we are to be at 13, and who we might be able to become by 31.  I pray that God will give me the grace I need to mother my Grace.  What a blessing it is!

Is this even working?

I've been in a funk.  I've been a little down.  My arthritis is back.  Pain took over sleep for a couple of months.  The lack of sleep led to a bit of the doldrums.  Good news is I think I'm better. I think it's fixed. Hopefully I can explain why I haven't been writing.  Basically no one wants to read the musings of a whiny baby, and so that's that.

I used to work with a lady that in the heat of the moment at work would turn and ask, "Is this even working."  I would always giggle and smugly think, boy I can't imagine feeling that way all of the time.  To not be sure of oneself to the point of always thinking I was failing.  Funny how things work when we think we have it all together, someday we won't.

And so I must share that often in the last three months I feel like looking from side to side and asking, "Is this even working?"  I have been in great pain which leads to a lot of personal discouragement in my life.  This label of arthritis seriously rocks me to my core because when it controls me I feel as if I can't do anything that I want to do.  I cant be the mom I want to be or the wife I long to be.  Getting out of bed becomes a chore and sleep leaves the building.  And so I didn't sleep for about 2 months and sleep deprivation led to a trip to crazy town.  And then I failed to be able to manage anything, which gave me a sad case of the doldrums.  All through this happening I refused to go to the Dr. because that would be admitting that I do have a medical issue and it in fact does affect me greatly from time to time.  And sometimes I can not control it.

But never fear I have now been to the Dr. was put on medication (something I had been avoiding) which is helping tremendously and guess what I'm sleeping too.  Brian said the first night that I slept he woke up three times just to make sure I was alive because I hadn't moved a muscle. I have learned that asking for help isn't accepting defeat.  

I have control issues, its known.  This year has been a large learning curve as to how much I am in fact actually in control of......very little:) 

I had a kind of break through with it all this week.  I remembered that happiness is sometimes a choice.  Life is very rarely easy and the good doesn't always come with the bad, very often things can be just bad.  But that doesn't mean that we can lose hope and faith is needed through it all.

It has been difficult going through all of this without my support group, AKA my mom and mother in law and my best friend.  It is even harder to ask for help in new surroundings.  But I am learning that with God I can get through anything.  With a positive attitude he can help me even more.  And that I am just fine on my own, even though I miss my family dearly.

Today the kids and I traveled up to Green Bluff and picked cherries and apricots.  We had so much fun, just the 3 of us.  I am so blessed to have the pair of them.  We spent the hot, hot morning (it was 90 degrees out by 9:30) on ladders high up in the tree tops, searching for what the fruit trees had to offer.  And I attempted to leave my nervous nellie mom behavior in the car as my children were scaling giant ladders to reach the best fruit at the very top of the trees.  I realized then that I was choosing joy not sorrow.  I was choosing to have a day with my kiddos, enjoying some of God's greatest creation.  There were plenty of giggles, plenty of new facts learned about the food we eat.  And plenty of chances for us to help and serve one another.  

We were able to harvest about 40lbs of apricots and 10lbs of cherries.  We decided that we are only putting up food that is grown in these here parts of Eastern WA.  So not much on the berry front although they can be found they aren't quite the same.  We will be harvesting huckleberries when the time is right though.  

And so I move forward with a better outlook once again.  It is very much two steps forward one step back at times but the forward is definitely winning.

You are my greatest SURPRISE!

Tomorrow will mark the day that I became the mom to a double-digiter.  I will forever remember the night before the happening of said event with the brain made memory of my 9 year old boy dancing around singing the two words double digit over and over again.  What can I say 10 is a big deal.

For this old thinker of a mom, this post and this moment have been a long time coming.  After a decade of being a mom you would think I  would have been granted with some bit of Sage wisdom or if I could go back and do something different it would be a, b and c.  But if you asked me in this very moment I would tell you the wisdom can really be summed up in that of those brain made memories, some of them almost like videos they are so crisp, some of them in slow-mo because you believed for a second you may have been able to change it if you would have done things differently.  But I suppose the one bit of sage wisdom would be that I wouldn't change any of it....I don't wish for any of it to be different....not even the hard stuff.  And boy howdy has there been hard stuff, especially with my soon to be double-digiter. And if there is one other thing I would pass on it would be the encouragement to really get know your kids, don't be afraid of the sticky parts, of the things that you would maybe change (go ahead judge me for saying that out loud) figure out what makes them tick, strive to know who God has created them to be, because these facts are where the true blessings in mothering hide.

Tonight before I wrote this I laid in bed with the hubdub and reminisced about the day Elliot was born. We talked about how I nearly killed him for eating ranch doritos right before I went into hard labor, this is not the best choice when breathing in your wife's face through doubled up contractions.  We talked about how he made me watch the European Antique Roadshow through the whole bout of my labor.  And we talked about how our moms were there and how invaluable that was.  But mostly I thought about what a great team we made in that delivery room.  How I never felt alone for one second, how there was never a moment that I thought I wouldn't make it and the moment I had him I knew why.  The moment we had Elliot I knew that life would never be the same.  I knew we were in for something great.  That being Elliot's mom would forever be my greatest surprise.

Elliot was born into the world with the look of a little old man.  His face looked of that of someone much older and wiser of his several minutes old self.  And so it has gone for the past 10 years.  He is wise beyond his years this one.  We always joke that there is 50 year old man stuck in his body, constantly trying to take him over.  He loves to read the newspaper, he loves technology, he loves to debate, theology and faith based conversations are some of his favorite and they keep him awake at night.  He frustrates me to no end but he also amazes me beyond my wildest dreams. And I have learned a lot about him in this last year.

Often Elliot can be frustrating because he is frustrated:)  He likes to understand things to their core. He needs to know why....now every parenting book out there will tell you that this is a big "no no" when parenting...because I said so should suffice in all situations with truly obedient children. But not my Elliot, his soul needs the explanation, and so it goes.  We have talked to him like an adult since he was 2 years old and it just how we do.  I threw out my parenting books at about the same time and instead I have strived for much of that time to surround myself with other women who have done it before, whom I respect and admire, not women with perfect children but women with lovely hearts and open minds.  Women who don't judge but support.  With mothering my children I have found those relationships to be invaluable.  And I pray daily that I can return that great gift by sharing it with others.  Because when your children are two you think you may know it all but when they are 10 you realize you know nothing.  And so now you know Jager's hate parenting books and classes and I keep trying to change it that but I think that recently I have become quite comfortable with the fact.

This year has tested my strength in being Elliot's mother, it has stretched and grown my love for him in ways I would have never dreamed.  It is funny how when they are born you think you couldn't possibly love them more than you do in that moment but the truth is it continues to mound like scoops on an ice cream cone.  Each bump in the road stretches and grows it almost simultaneously because the stretching requires the growing and vice versa.  But this year has also brought a new aspect to our relationship and that has been one of trust.  When our kids are small they trust us almost inherently, they learn early -if you do not raise them like wolves- that you are their source for just about everything.  Food, Love, Safety, Shelter to name a few.  But the problem or maybe the beauty rather is that as they grow they start to think for themselves and as that happens the trust can fade because you are not always making the decisions that they would like you to make.  We have had that for the first time this year and I have had to ask Elliot to trust me, I never have had to do this before. And it has been hard and it has rocked my mama world in ways I never imagined it to be rocked, and it has been painful but it also been oh so good.  God has used it to not only grow my relationship with Elliot but also to show me the flaws in my relationship with Him. And so for now I have earned his trust again, I am sure that will falter once or twice along the way but I continue to pray that I will have the wisdom enough to take the time to let him question me, so I can explain the heart of the matter.  

I have learned in the last year that Elliot is a justice fighter.  Oh boy, I think he got this from me and if he learns when to cast it out and when to reel it in he will find it to be one of his greatest assets and one of his biggest faults.  It goes way beyond don't mess with my mom for this kid.  He is an underdog finder, a broken winged bird picker upper, a stray dog lover, he roots for the losing team and will stand up for what he knows is right until the bitter bloody end and it can get ugly. He hangs on through the hard stuff and I love that about him.  He loves bigger than his heart can handle and I know that he will have his heart broken many more times in his life.  But he uses his heart for good and it's a beautiful thing.

But mostly I have learned that boys are weird and I still don't understand them, they make weird noises and smell funny.  I do happen to be quite fond of this smelly, noisy boy.

Bottom line though,  I am incredibly humbled and honored that God chose me to be Elliot's mom, he has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined and definitely more than I have deserved.  I pray that when he is a dad someday -a long time from now- he will be blessed with as great a surprise as I have been.

Mommin it Up.

I know I have been absent but y'all know I can't pass up my Mother's day post this year.

This year has been my hardest year as a Mom to date.  All bets are off and the game has definitely changed. This past year God has used every facet of my life to prove to me that comfort does not lie with the things we can tangibly hold here on the earth, and that includes my children, my ability to fill my role as Mom.

I could sit here and whine and cry about all of the things I have endured with my little cherubs but that wouldn't be an honest representation of how I really feel about it all.

I was thinking the other night (instead of sleeping...what's new) about the very first moment my eyes met my children's after their immediate exit from my womb.  I was thinking about the emotions that transpire for most of us Mom's in that moment.  I believe a thousand lifetimes pass through our minds in that single blessed second.  There are feelings of hope, excitement for what's to come, milestones that are sought after and a drowning amount of bliss and thankfulness when you hold that naked pink baby in your arms for the first time.  I myself felt incredibly blessed both times.  I remember not wanting to take my eyes off of them in case it was all just a dream or a mirage with the fear that it would disappear as soon as I blinked.  It was that good people.  I didn't expect a healthy full term delivery with either of my babies.  Half of my pregnancy with each of them was spent in bed pumped full of meds to hopefully keep those babes nestled inside for as long as possible.  Warnings and classes of what it meant to have a premie and what would take place. Endless trips to the hospital to be rehydrated, or to have the contractions stopped. Vomiting constantly...oh the vomit.  Warnings of my own health and what could happen to me if the inevitable would happen, but you know what the inevitable didn't happen, I carried Elliot to two days before his due date and Grace to a month within it and I felt like I myself had been redelivered in those two moments....God blessed my socks off with two perfectly healthy tiny newborns to love and kiss and dream for.  And more than pride I was just grateful to hold them in my arms.

The moments that don't flash before you in that time are the sleepless nights, teething, bumps and bruises, sassy mouths, potty talk, time outs or broken hearts.  When you have your second there is no flash of sibling rivalry or fighting.  There is no one that tells you that once you become a mother that their joys will be yours too and that there greatest sorrows and struggles will rock you to your very core.   

And this is what I was thinking about as I should have been closing my eyes to sleep.  Why doesn't God give you those visions?  I think there are probably a countless amount of reasons.  I think first and foremost He knows that your love for your child will be enough to get you through all of those hard times.  That your love alone that is rooted in Christ for your children will simply be enough.  And, oh how it has been in the last year.  I think also that we already have all the tools that we need when they are born to us.  I don't think anything in our lives happens by accident.  Each experience good or worth praying for is used....nothing goes to waste in God's hands.  Some of those so called tools may be hard to reach or temporarily misplaced but they will be found sometimes in the most unlikely places.  Patience is needed while searching for them though:)

I have felt discouraged, bewildered and lost in the last year an uncountable number of times.  But I have also been blessed by the experiences and discussions that have come with those hard times.   I have been blessed by my desire to ask God because there is no one else that I can confess some of these things to.  

My children have held me accountable for my decisions this year.  Brian and I made this move with the well being of our family in mind.  With the future of our children in our sites.  There wasn't any selfish intent for us there.  We prayed for months over that decision and made it with the Lord's blessing and prompting.  This move has been one of the factors of my struggle to mother this year.  Children do not understand that their parents constantly have their best interest heart especially when the decisions involve so much change and pain.  And so I have stopped trying to explain all of this in that way to them anymore.  Rather I have had repeated discussions simply about God's plan for us, and my need to obey and follow His lead.  This has been the ticket.  As I said before I had the tools for these discussions but it took me a while to find them.  We have also had the opportunity to discuss confusion in the plans He has for us at times, that the confusion requires faith to be cleared up.  I am not sure I would have had the chance to have these conversations so soon with my kids had we not moved and for that I am grateful!  Being questioned by our children is not always comfortable in fact I think it is one of the quicker ways to put us on the defensive.  I have found with a bit of further thought though that sometimes they are our best reminders of what we need.  

We have had days that I would rather forget in the last year but I have learned lessons that I would not trade those days for.  I have learned that bad days are really non-existent.  Sure some our more exciting and happy than others, but they are all a blessing in their own ways.  I have stopped praying for better days and started praying for each day on its on rather than a reflection of the one at hand.  God has so many nuggets of goodness that we unfortunately hide with our own expectations. We have expectations that revolve around just about everything in our lives, health, safety, finances, safety, inconveniences, stability. And isn't it true that we have expectations for motherhood as well.  Those expectations hold us back folks it keeps us from being able to experience what God really has for us.

My expectations for motherhood were all seen in that first moment that I saw each of them.  I wanted them to be happy.  In fact their happiness is the main topic of my conversations with Brian about them. But being happy isn't always number one, in fact much more comes from our disappointments sometimes.  And even still happiness seems so much easier to mother than disappointment.    Happiness is something that only requires hugs, kisses, pats on the back and sometimes a lasso.  Disappointment though....boy howdy, disappointment can me simply the opposite....you can never be sure which avenue it will take to melt itself down.  I can honestly say my kids had dealt with a very small amount of disappointment in their lives before the move.  It was always my goal to create a biome of green valleys and quiet streams for them to exist in.  Truth is that is not reality and that does them no favors.  Now we focus on the good and worth praying for equally recognizing each for what they are and the tailspin the latter used to send us into is much less most of time, because they are learning that it is a possibility.  They are learning that life has so little to do with what we want or what we "need."  

I love being a mom but it has changed greatly for me over the last year.  It is not something I see as job anymore...not even a calling, instead it is something I see that I was always meant to be.  Sure the title was issued on the day they were born but God had prepared me for long before they arrived.  I was created to mother Elliot and Grace.  Once I realized that I felt indestructible.  I felt like I could handle it all. There will still be days that are hard, there will still be days that I have no idea what I am doing, but that does not mean they were bad, nothing is a loss. 

Happy Mother's to all of you Moms out there.  

A little photo catch up.

Spokane continues to prove itself to be beautiful and full of wonder as the days pass.

We are overwhelmed with the amount of time we are able to spend outside and how much there is to do.

One of our favorite things to do is hike down by the river, but we also love our bikes and playing at the dozens of parks that this city has to offer. 

In the last week most days have been in the 60's and the warmth in the breeze brings the promise of summer.  But for now we are enjoying what we have in the moment.

It seems as the days pass we learn more and more about our little Gracer Girl.  She is no easy nut to crack.  She is thriving in homeschooling and most of her anxieties have subsided.  However she still cries about leaving for college....in 10 years:)

Some days we even do a bit of our schooling outside.  This makes everyone happy.

I took Grace shopping for some summer things a few weeks back.  This dressing room sleighed me.  I mean I think I could have just died in that pretty pink room.  Grace has a strong love/hate relationship with shopping. But if it involves a snack she is in for the long haul.

This is my new favorite photo of Elliot.  He loved having Todd and Jessie here.  HE also loves making us laugh and he succeeds at this very often!

Speaking of Todd and Jessie they were here and I enjoyed having them as well!

There is no caption good enough for this!

Me and my big hunk of man on Easter.  

My two little cherubs.  I finished Grace's dress at about midnight the night before.  

This book is giving Elliot and I common ground.  Lots of good discussion.  I wish it would have been around for me in my pre-teens.  I suggest it to anyone.  Pick up a copy and read it.  It will make you better.  

You'll notice it is from the library.  That place continues to being one our favorite past times.  I have gotten over my fear of late fees...I consider them a membership fee for the library.  Nothing like a positive spin to erase the shame those librarians place on you.  When they tell me I owe ten dollars its a bummer but when it is only four I feel like I got a really great deal.

Josherwoggie came to see us for a few days.  I just put his porta-crib away.  We all miss him like crazy.  

Grandma and I worked together to make four of these little dresses for four sweet little girlies to wear on the cruise.  The cruise that we leave on in 4 sleeps.  

And that is the short version of the catch up.  We are almost all the way through our curriculum for the year and both kids are beyond where they need to be so that is oh so good!

When Did This All Become Such A Hassle?

Do you ever have thoughts that cross your mind that embarrass you even though no one else knows, even though the words never crept past your lips?

I had this just the other day when the above statement crossed my mind.  I had a particularly hard past month.  I can honestly say I was depressed.  I can honestly say that I had lost all feeling for anything.  Being excited, being sad....it all seemed the same....blah.  Sometimes I get into a spot where I am just waiting for the next book to fall off the shelf.  You know what I mean.  And this is a horrible attitude to have and even worse outlook to hang on to.  Now I could sit here and give you at least 20 reasons why my emotions or lack there of were justifiable or I could be down right honest and share why I have been absent from here over the last weeks and how I have determined what has actually happened to me.

So the words that crossed my mind were, "When did this all become such a hassle?" Immediately after these thoughts crossed my mind I cried for the rest of the day and I shut out the rest of the world.  And this is when I knew I had finally made a breakthrough with this depression...this black cloud.  I finally had pinpointed the emotion I was most troubled with. I felt hassled.  The things I feel hassled by the most are the things that make this thought feel so shameful.  I felt hassled by my largest blessings, hassled by the things that hold most dear to me. I also felt hassled  by emotions that I had yet to deal with.  Some of these emotions have become old scars that actually tear from time to time.  And guys I am here to tell you that it is embarrasing and down right humbling to tell you that I don't have it all together....which I am sure most of you know already.

It started awhile ago it was like a freight train that plowed right through the center of me.  I started to forget who I was working for.  I started working my hardest at pleasing and loving my little family for their sake.  I wanted my kids to know that I teach them here in our home because I love them, because I want whats best for them....I want them to know that I feed them all of this beautiful fresh organic locally grown food because its what I believe is the best for them, I am a tiger mom because I believe an education is your one ticket to take you wherever you want to go, I want them to believe that I am super strict about how they behave because I want them to grow up to be good little citizens...good little worker bees.  Instead of them returning my good works with thankfulness and gratefulness and recognition they cry and whine and complain and argue and fight and scream and refuse to do their lessons and yell and sometimes they say things that Jager's don't say, I bet you can't imagine this.  I have been working my darnedest to show Brian I love him through keeping this monstrosity of a house spotless, making sure dinner is on the table by the time he gets home,  not freaking out when he is late or puts in way to many hours in a week or answers his phone in the middle of dinner, not complaining if we miss out on date night and being available for whatever he needs. I thought this would be returned with a feeling of acceptance, of devotion, of love and with dedication but although I know this man loves me and their is absolutely nothing wrong with him or our relationship the return was not what I needed.  And this friends is where the feeling of hassle began and I felt abandoned and abandonment is an old friend of mine.  Instead of all of this feeling like a mighty calling it began to feel like a job.  I hate having a job!  I have had them I will probably have them again and they are a necessity for survival in this big world, but I am an earth passion driven person who works best when she is working within her spiritual gifts, if I can not connect I lose interest, I develop a bad attitude and I start to feel like I need to change paths.  And this is when I start to feel like I need to jump overboard surrender and pray that someone will just give me a time out.

About simultaneously to this all happening I was reminded of my Dad.  Not the Dad I talk about so lovingly on this old rag so often.  The Dad on my birth certificate, the man who taught me to fish, the man who taught me to ride my bike, the one person in this world whose relationship lost definition for me as years went on.  It's not something I talk about easily.  It's not something I am even finished dissecting or working through.  My Dad died two years ago last week.  No one called, no one remembered -my siblings have resolved themselves to believe that I had no feeling for this man, I believe they think that I hated him up until the day he left this earth and so with that thought how can I blame them. They send each other notes and condolences and hugs and I sit and reflect.  I reflect on what I want to feel, on what I actually feel and what I wish would have happened.  The truth is my Dad died to me about four years before his actual passing.  I cut him out of my life.  I made the choice.  I held strong with choice and I waited in the wings for him to make a choice.  And I was hoping all along that he would choose me. I was hoping all through those  4 years that he would pick up the phone in a loving way, that he would act out of love instead of anger. But he didn't and once again I don't blame him.  I cut hm off and never talked to him again.  Never explained my choices, I just attempted to move on.  Waiting for two words to be said to you by another who has no idea that you would expect that from them is excruciating and dare I say even if those two words  are "owed" to you this expectation is wrong . Broken expectations from those who are supposed to be in your circle of trust is the most painful thing I have ever experienced and most times the expectations are unreasonable and selfish.  Two years ago I received a phone call from a liaison  someone who put themselves in a position to help me.  Two years ago I learned more about forgiveness than I ever thought I would or could have.  Two years ago three short weeks before my Dad passed away I stood at his bedside and forgave him for not saying those words and he still refused to say them back, I asked him to forgive me for causing him hurt and he did.  Two years ago three weeks before my Dad died I let go of hopes and dreams I had for 20 years.  Two years ago three weeks before my Dad died I said goodbye to him with the knowledge that I would never see him again and nothing would be resolved quite as I had planned.  But I believe the way it played out was exactly what God planned for me in that situation.  The two words I was looking for were, "I'm sorry."  This may seem petty to you or small.  But I have to tell you if those thoughts cross your mind you have no idea or grasp on the power of forgiveness. I believe God taught me a huge lesson in forgiveness that day. Saying I'm sorry doesn't always fix it folks, asking for forgiveness doesn't mean the other person will forgive you and just because you say I'm sorry first doesn't me they will say it back.  Well let me tell you I went into the whole experience thinking I was doing this great thing for him, giving him the dignity that he deserved in his death and maybe it did, maybe I succeeded in that.  That day I drove to the care facility he was with all of the windows down, It was a beautiful warm spring day, I had christian music blaring as loud as possible to drown out my doubts and I was praying out loud the whole way.  I was praying for a covering I was praying for a purpose in it all, and not only did I want there to be a purpose but I wanted it to be evident.  Oh boy we get demanding sometimes don't we.  I remember that in the last few minutes of my drive Beautiful Things by Gungor played on the radio.  I had heard this song dozens of times, Brian and I hand sang it in church but this time I heard it in a new light.  I believe God used the words of that song to speak directly to me that afternoon.  He was making something new.  I was reminded that God can make beauty out even the ugliest situations and that's what this was.  When I entered through the doors of that facility I felt a covering, I felt a purpose, I felt that purpose was evident.  It wasn't about me or what I needed, it was about one of God's creations. A man that he made, a man that he knit together in his mother's womb, one of his children. I was shown in this moment that God never really stops loving any of us, I felt this with every fiber of my being that day. And what He was asking me to do was for HIM, not the man, not for me, but for HIM!

This is the reminder I needed this month.  This was what I needed to believe.  That all the "things" I do, all of the "works" that I do are for HIM! They aren't for my kids, they aren't for my husband, they aren't for anyone they are for God and God alone.

It is so easy to let the weight of this sin filled world to bog us down. It is so easy to let those sins make us crabby, make us search for purpose, make us look from side to side, wish for things to be different. It is easy to feel hassled because it is hard if you are trying to do it all yourself for people who are not able to truly fulfill your longing. It is easy for me to want recognition in my role here as house wench (kidding;)  But really I am mother because he gave me that, I am wife because he gave me that....I am daughter because he gave me that.  And so the true love, the true recognition, the true thankfulness and pride, and the true forgiveness can only be given to me through Him who gave it all to me.

And so once again I move forward.  I am still very much a work in progress.  I never want it to seem otherwise.  I never want God to be finished with me.

t's spring which is a great reminder of the ability to have a fresh start.

Grace lovingly carried these tiny flowers on her sweatshirt for a two mile hike just to watch them be trampled at the end. It broke my heart.  But she picked new ones and all was well.  My kids are great reminders of what it means to be His!

A Piece Of My Heart...

What I am about to share will probably provoke all sorts of emotion for you folks.  And the emotion will probably be different for each of you depending where you are, what you have been through or where your heart will let you go.  Some of you will automatically be embarrassed for me - embarrassed that I would share this with anyone, others of you will judge because you will think this will never happen to you or maybe it never did, some of you will be sad because you remember it happening to you and others of you may just feel a feeling of sisterhood perhaps that cheers me on.....prays hope for me.

And so it goes.

I alluded to the fact that we have been having a difficult time with my boy child.  I love him so much my throat feels scratchy and tear are in my eyes filling them with warmth and my heart hurts.  You see he really is most like me out of the two.....he thinks, he ponders, he lies awake for much of the night....he has a heart big enough to swallow up the whole world and this bogs him down makes him heavy.  This heaviness often gets in the way for him because he hasn't learned how to manage it all yet and so he worries....he's anxious.  He let's it all get the best of him some times, actually most of the time.

In some ways this boy is wise beyond his years....we have joked since he was about two that he is a forty year old man stuck in a little boy body.  He is smart as  a whip, he learns things at a pace that is unreal....it is hard for me to keep up with....his brain often makes me feel incapable to mother him.....it needs much explanation.  With the need for explanation has come much, he is not the kid that can take no for an answer, he is not the kid that can be talked over or around, he understands things way beyond his age and his person needs the understanding.  Sometimes I become exhausted in the amount of talking Elliot desires and needs.  I have heard the no means no theory, I have heard the because I said so and sometimes that is so true and warranted.  But with this child it is different.  He needs something different.

This different has become difficult in the recent months though because we have reached a new stage.  We have reached a stage of experimentation and testing.  And so now no just means no and he doesn't always understand that.  He is a learn by doing type and so that means sometimes you learn simply by getting busted.  Even though you know something is wrong you might try it because you are now almost 10 and so it may be okay now.  Yeah, well he is quickly learning that is not how it works but that understanding has come with much discipline and heartache on both sides of the fence.

This kid....he has had the roughest time with this move.  He does not understand why we made this choice.  He wants to believe we will move back to Lynden, which isn't happening.  He thinks his life is horrible.....which I can see, everything is different and his personality does not lend to different.....he desires a regimin and a routine and that has all changed drastically.  He is doing very well in homeschool but he dislikes it very much.  He misses his freedom that comes with being in school everyday and he misses his friends. For a nine year old this is horrible.

But as of recently we have had to take the stance of well son it does suck that you feel that way, but it's time to buck up and move forward.  These are hard words to take with your kids, a mothers natural response is to coddle and comfort.  The truth is though that this is our reality now and it really is not all that bad, we do have friends, we do have each other, and we are doing what God called us to do.  

And so we have had attitude, we have had fits, we have had so many meetings and talks between the three of us I could scream.  Nevertheless we move forward we stick to our guns and we stay firm.  But last week it came to a head and my sweet little boy managed to break my heart into a million pieces.  We were having a discussion-just the two of us-and he was crying.  And he looks at me and he whispers.....I hate you.  Oh boy........I know he doesn't really hate me but I believe he meant it in that moment.  Who knew those three words could rock my soul in the way that they did in that moment.  I mean does he not know that I was the one who carried him in my womb for nine months.....nine excruciating months of vomit, pre-term labor and hospital visits?  Does he not know that it was me that fell in love with him first?  Does he not know that it is me that lies awake and prays for him every night?  Does he not know that all the decisions we make are first for God but always prayed for with him and his sister in mind?

Now this is the part where you all get to feel the emotion of your liking. 

I will tell you I knew this would come some day... a time where our viewpoints would not meet and he would view me as insane in the membrane and quite possibly out of my ever living mind.  And all of that confusion and possibly all of his crazy hormones would create this feeling for him.....but I am not sure I was quite prepared, and I suppose now that I really think about it I am not sure you ever can be. Can I tell you the first thing that came to my mind was, hey Jager's don't say hate.  Yep, earth to Jessica Jager we are not preschoolers anymore and sometimes they no longer care so much in the heat of it what Jagers do or don't do.  And so it remains, he said he hated me. Are you wondering how I reacted.  I cried my eyes out.  I told him I was sorry that he felt that way, I reminded him of what hate really meant and then I told him that those words did not change the way that I felt about his recent actions and he needed to find out where God wanted his heart to be.  I told him that it was okay to feel that way about me but that he needed to know that there was no one else on this green earth that loved him more than I did.  Then I reminded him that he owed me a chore and I sent him on his way.

Now I don't know if I handled it right.  And believe me I marched myself into the bathroom quickly after our altercation and I balled my eyes out, but I didn't let my emotions rule me in the situation because I don't think he really would have cared, I think the situation needed a cool down.  He did apologize to me today 6 days later.......I am not sure what provoked that but I'll take it.  

I will tell you that somethings in this situation I have not changed much since my kids were young, I have always encouraged them to show emotion.....happy, sad, angry, whatever.  Sometimes that lands you a trip to your room until you can be a part of society with those emotions but you should still be able to have them and most of all I think identifying them is important.  I also think that words are important.....I think that it is important to explain to your kids that some words carry weight....That whole sticks and stones saying is a big bunch of bologna in my opinion, words hurt more than sticks and stones sometimes and when you let them out of your mouth its pretty hard to take them back.  

We have had two really good conversations over the last days.  We have talked about relationships and how they can be broken, how they can be hurt.  We have talked about how we can feel negatively about things while still respecting others. We have talked about his lack of ability to fully understand why parents do what they do. And we have talked about how following what God wants in spite of it all is the hardest part.  Really it's all been about respect - for ourselves and others - and self control.  

In the end friends I was reminded in this Easter week that I to need much redemption, that I too need much forgiveness and grace.  That God could ask each of those question I asked of Elliot in reference to me and my love for Him, and His love for me.  We all fall short and we all hate some times wether we want to admit it or not.  We all fall short.  

I pray mostly that I taught Elliot about forgiveness this week, that I taught him about love and grace.  That even when he hates me he know that I love him most of all.

Being a mom is hard work, let this be a reminder.  But God calls us to hang in there and stick with it.  It would be easy to throw in the towel....not caring would be a breeze.  But with me and I know many of you we are not just growing up people we are growing up followers of Christ, leaders of households, strong men and women working for the good of our Father.  It's no small job....but I am glad it's mine.

No Guilt

I took last week off.  I spent the week in Bellevue with Brian while he worked.  And I did nothing and everything.  I let myself relax, I reflected on what I needed to change and I tried to remember what I was like before this move. 

I had quite a few comments from others mentioning sarcastically not to feel guilty about taking the time for myself.  And you know what honestly I didn't.  I didn't feel guilty one lick.  I never feel guilty when I give myself a time out because unless I am at my best I can't do anything right.  The things I do feel guilty for are when I'm exhausted, impatient, snappy, grouchy, when I yell, when I am unable to give my children the grace they deserve and when I just can't hack it at this mom thing.  Sometimes I can't hack it and I am not ashamed to say it out loud.  Sometimes I need a break.  It used to be that I could have a break whenever I felt these symptoms coming on. I had the support of friends and family around and if I needed a night off it was simple call and help was there for me to have.  I was spoiled folks I realize, but it was what I was accustomed to for the past nearly 10 years and it helped me to operate at an optimal level:)  I miss it beyond anything you could imagine and it is hard to become accustomed to anew normal but I will get there.

Over the last months I have found myself trying to accommodate for what my kids are now missing. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, Friends and neighbors and the like and I am exhausted.  And over the last week I have realized that that really isn't my job or my responsibility.  Guilty feelings associated with this move are what have caused me to react in such a way and it is over the top ridiculous.  You see no matter how much better our current existence has become for me over the last month my kids are still struggling and maybe its because I am constantly trying to make it better for them rather them making them buck up a bit.  Even though I am not audibly apologizing to them I am enabling them to wallow a bit in what they miss, what they desire constantly trying to stretch myself in a new way fashion myself into someone else that they miss. And friends I don't think its helping.  In fact it is an action I promised my self I would not perform when we first moved.

Elliot is most definitely taking it the hardest.  In fact mothering him as of late has been so incredibly difficult I am not even sure I know how to help him or fix him or make it better.  I have been at my wits end, every day is a new challenge.  I think part of this is just a new phase we are entering, a new stage of development that we would be experiencing no matter where we are.  But part of the problem is a reaction to the move and he is acting out as a way of allowing us to know his distaste for the situation.  I have tried every tool in my toolbox, have instituted positive reinforcement, initiated every form of discipline and consequence and he just doesn't seem to care.  And even though I am beyond frustrated and exhausted with him mostly it just breaks my heart and every night I fall asleep praying that God would show me how to fix him.  I share this openly because I think it is important to not only share the good moments I have with these little cherubs but the bad as well.  Although I don't know right now how I will survive this time I do have hope that we will make it through to the other side. And I will share that here as well because I know God will lead the way and hopefully at the end I will have the tiniest bit of wisdom from my experience.  I think there is value when we acknowledge openly that we are going through a rough bit.  its not always rainbows and butterflies.  Sometimes this parenting thing baffles me and I have no idea what I am doing!

Grace on the other hand is thriving for the most part.  Homeschool seems to be her jam, it has not only fit her personality but has built her confidence.  Over a year ago she chose to quit ballet and art and over the last month she chose to add them back in.  It has been beautiful to watch her blossom and grow and for me to know that God used me to help her through what she was experiencing is a blessing as a mother!  She does get homesick from time to time and cries for her Grandma's and her girlfriends, but for the most part this girl is on fire.  Believe me I am under no delusion that this will last forever and at some point she will most likely trade places with her brother and we struggle through a new phase with her.  But right now she's great and she's a blessing and she bring light and love to our family through singing and dancing and her overall exuberance for life.

The exhaustion that has come with homeschooling here away from my support system has exhausted me.  It is day in day out 24/7 attached parenting from morning until night and most days I do pretty good but its still tiring.  Add some parenting issues on top of that and we have a recipe for a much needed mommy time out.  And so that is what I had last week, a mommy time out.  I had visions of coming back from our vacation from each other with magically fixed attitudes and spirits but that really wasn't realistic.  It seems that the vacation gave me a new outlook.  It showed me once again that I need to take time for me and there needs to be no guilt attached to that.  A trip to Target is not a break, buying toilet paper and toothpaste is not therapeutic or cleansing.  I also realize that my wonder woman complex is way out of control right now, I believe it can be an effective tool because some days you do just need to throw on your cape and fly forward but some times we need to hang up the cape and throw on our favorite sweats and retire for the day, some days you have to give someone else the cape and ask for help.  I stink at asking for help but I am realizing more and more that that doesn't mean that I don't need it, it simply means that I suffer through things that I don't need to instead of sharing the load.  I do this in my marriage, my friendships  and I do it with God and its exhausting.  I pledge to work on it. 

And so this is what went through my mind last week.  I attempted to make a plan....I also stink at plans.  But I for surely got myself into a new frame of mind.  I came to the conclusion once again that I have know way of knowing what the future holds.  I do k now however it will bring more change and more room to grow, it will most likely bring another move much sooner than later.  But you know what I remembered the most is that God is with us no matter where we are no matter what we are experiencing and he holds all the answers and all the hope.  This last week was good for us all and a break was what I needed. 

No Guilt.

Friends are a Great Thing!

Last weekend we had visitors.....huzzah!

Rah and The Brewer brought Dr. Love over to visit.  WE loved that they came and we had so much fun together.  When have spoiled with visits from friends at least every 2-3 weeks since we have been here.

We ate good food, explored Spokane a bit and enjoyed our time together.  We love our friends!

Grace is so creative and comes up with the strangest things to keep herself busy.

She ate her breakfast through the mouth hole in the bag.

Uncle Jordo, Uncle Justin and Beej built a train set for the kids one morning.  You get a techy, an engineer and a Dr. in the same room and they come up with all sorts of ideas to make train building interesting.

We drove up to Mt. Spokane for the first time.  It was breathtakingly beautiful.

We went out to dinner at our new favorite restaurant Casper Fry.  They have the best stick to your bones, finger licking good Southern Style food.  I also love it because they locally source their food and make everything in house.  Its nothing short of amazing.

I had a mint julep.

I also had the pork chop.  Mercy Mercy Mercy I could have eaten six of them.  It was literally the best chop I have ever eaten.  The veggies were also great, cooked perfectly and seasoned appropriately.

It was dark everywhere we went so the pictures are rough.

Brian Jager attempts to photo bomb every photo I take.

The next night we celebrated Chinese New Year.  Justin and I cooked up a real feast complete with dumplings.  It was amazing.

Like I said it was a fabulous weekend.  I am thankful for friends that go to such great lengths to love us!  It makes life over here that much easier.  

Funnies.

 I took this kid to the Dr. yesterday.  Just a med switcharoo and scheduling for another sleep study.  We finally weaned Elliot off of the sleep meds that were helping with his  night terrors but now he isn't sleeping very well in general...so back to the drawing board.  No matter though we had some time to goof around in the mirror at the Dr's office as our Dr. was running behind.

I love this kid.  I can't hardly believe he will be 10 this summer!  He is my jam.

It can be hard to get him to be silly.  But we were able to get there yesterday. I know these are ridiculous, but its important to be ridiculous sometimes!

Being a mom is kind of my favorite thing!! 

I should say I have so much good!

I have so much good.  So many blessings.  And even though I shared my heart the other day, with complete honesty and openness...I just wanted to make sure y'all know that I am 100% thankful for my life!  All parts of it actually,even the bad, even the ugly, even the uncomfortable.

This week so far I have experienced so much good.  Y'all have I ever told you I have the best friends in this whole big fat world?  Well now you know.  They come in all shapes and sizes....with all different backgrounds, all in different stages in their lives and I love each of them for who and what they are!  I have had phone calls and texts and emails and love showered over me already this week and I should tell you it is a pretty constant shower.....pretty much its a torrential rain storm and I am the happy recipient.  

So I've had some encouragement.  I had a couple of really good phone hash-outs to form a plan to get me back on track.  Accountability and a swift kick in the butt is what I needed desperately and I had some great friends give me just that.  

So the plan involves a few things...

#1 - Read a proverb and a psalm every morning.  I've been struggling with staying in my Bible in the last week and this routine will help me.

Dos - Take some time for myself and leave the guilt behind.  I am honestly with my children 24/7 and I am a firm believer in mommy time away...its good for everyone.  

Number 3 - I need to make the gym a priority I feel guilty when I go because it is usually midday or in the morning and then I am away form our house and my kids are home.  The gym is my anti-drug and it helps my sanity immensely   In fact physical fitness is a proven benefit for mental health and that doesn't just come from the book "o" Jessica, its been proven.  

Quatro - Find some friends here.  I am a social being, I love people......and so I am making an effort.  I am meeting some moms from the homeschool tomorrow night for coffee and I am hosting a Valentines Party for some moms and kids next week.  

Five -  Assert my gifts and talents.  I miss using my gifts.  I miss cooking for others, sharing my home, blessing folks with food and running my business.  I can still do all of these things it is just going to take a bit of effort on my part.

And so you have it.  I am making a pledge to be intentional in making my days better.  As I have said before sometimes you have to look within if things don't seem to be going your way.

And so each day starts with God and each day will end with a thankful heart.

Today I started my day with the gym and intentionally prayed for my fulfillment, praying that God alone would deliver me the goods I needed to smile, to feel light, to love my days instead of wishing for bedtime.  

Look what came after the rain the other day.  Don't think for a moment I didn't take time to apply the knowledge I have within me concerning that rainbow:)