Is this even working?

I've been in a funk.  I've been a little down.  My arthritis is back.  Pain took over sleep for a couple of months.  The lack of sleep led to a bit of the doldrums.  Good news is I think I'm better. I think it's fixed. Hopefully I can explain why I haven't been writing.  Basically no one wants to read the musings of a whiny baby, and so that's that.

I used to work with a lady that in the heat of the moment at work would turn and ask, "Is this even working."  I would always giggle and smugly think, boy I can't imagine feeling that way all of the time.  To not be sure of oneself to the point of always thinking I was failing.  Funny how things work when we think we have it all together, someday we won't.

And so I must share that often in the last three months I feel like looking from side to side and asking, "Is this even working?"  I have been in great pain which leads to a lot of personal discouragement in my life.  This label of arthritis seriously rocks me to my core because when it controls me I feel as if I can't do anything that I want to do.  I cant be the mom I want to be or the wife I long to be.  Getting out of bed becomes a chore and sleep leaves the building.  And so I didn't sleep for about 2 months and sleep deprivation led to a trip to crazy town.  And then I failed to be able to manage anything, which gave me a sad case of the doldrums.  All through this happening I refused to go to the Dr. because that would be admitting that I do have a medical issue and it in fact does affect me greatly from time to time.  And sometimes I can not control it.

But never fear I have now been to the Dr. was put on medication (something I had been avoiding) which is helping tremendously and guess what I'm sleeping too.  Brian said the first night that I slept he woke up three times just to make sure I was alive because I hadn't moved a muscle. I have learned that asking for help isn't accepting defeat.  

I have control issues, its known.  This year has been a large learning curve as to how much I am in fact actually in control of......very little:) 

I had a kind of break through with it all this week.  I remembered that happiness is sometimes a choice.  Life is very rarely easy and the good doesn't always come with the bad, very often things can be just bad.  But that doesn't mean that we can lose hope and faith is needed through it all.

It has been difficult going through all of this without my support group, AKA my mom and mother in law and my best friend.  It is even harder to ask for help in new surroundings.  But I am learning that with God I can get through anything.  With a positive attitude he can help me even more.  And that I am just fine on my own, even though I miss my family dearly.

Today the kids and I traveled up to Green Bluff and picked cherries and apricots.  We had so much fun, just the 3 of us.  I am so blessed to have the pair of them.  We spent the hot, hot morning (it was 90 degrees out by 9:30) on ladders high up in the tree tops, searching for what the fruit trees had to offer.  And I attempted to leave my nervous nellie mom behavior in the car as my children were scaling giant ladders to reach the best fruit at the very top of the trees.  I realized then that I was choosing joy not sorrow.  I was choosing to have a day with my kiddos, enjoying some of God's greatest creation.  There were plenty of giggles, plenty of new facts learned about the food we eat.  And plenty of chances for us to help and serve one another.  

We were able to harvest about 40lbs of apricots and 10lbs of cherries.  We decided that we are only putting up food that is grown in these here parts of Eastern WA.  So not much on the berry front although they can be found they aren't quite the same.  We will be harvesting huckleberries when the time is right though.  

And so I move forward with a better outlook once again.  It is very much two steps forward one step back at times but the forward is definitely winning.

A Place To Belong.

Philippians 3:20

The Message (MSG)

^20-21 But there’s far more to life for us. We’re citizens of high heaven! We’re waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthy bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He’ll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him.

I have a longing to belong.  I have a longing to walk into church and be surrounded by people that I love because I know them and they know me.  I am a longing to be used and to be needed and to be worked.  I have a longing to be a part of something.  Notice the "I."  Unfortunately, for the "I" in this situation we are currently on a journey that is searching for what He desires and longs for.  And so we, the "I" and the "me" sometimes allow ourselves to think we are out of luck as far as what we long for goes:)  

We have been trying a new church.  Its big and loud and boisterous   In fact it is everything I am pretty sure that I never wanted in a church.   This past week when we dropped the kids off for children's church I felt a tightening in my chest and my eyes starting to burn and initially I thought it was because we were leaving the kids with loud, noisy crazy strangers, but it turned out to just be a scratch on the surface of what was really going on.  As we started singing I started letting the words be a prayer and I started searching for why I felt the churning.  Why I felt the anxiety or unease when the words, I want to belong came to mind.  

Welp, it appears I am still on the train to redefining.  I am still on the path of finding out what God really means to me.  And really it continues to be less of me.  

On the subject of belonging.  Wow, back in the comfort on the other side of the mountains I "belonged" everywhere I went.  I was involved everywhere I went.  God was using me to work within His kingdom.  And it was crazy, and thrilling and fulfilling and tiring and wow it was a lot.  But I was never lonely, I was never alone.  And I have felt more alone in the last months then ever.  At the same time I have never felt closer to God then I have in the last weeks. He is with me all of the time.

And so as I struggled to hold in the burning tears that were slowly seeping from the corners of my eyes I was reminded once more that my belonging and my life really is much simpler than I have ever realized.  I belong to something so much greater than what I long for.  And even though I reside here on this earth I am a citizen of heaven. Heaven is where I belong and one day I will be.  

The redefining continues on and I am searching more and less all at the same time for God desires for me to have and to be.  And as it turns out with GOd I may be out of luck but I am never out of hope. 

I left that crazy church on Sunday feeling again renewed.  The sermon was a reminder to rest in Gods presence that sometimes what He wants from us is to simply receive.  The truth is I have know idea what God has in store for me but the reminder to see this time as rest is something I am thankful for.  I to simply receive this time as a gift in itself is lovely.

I should say I have so much good!

I have so much good.  So many blessings.  And even though I shared my heart the other day, with complete honesty and openness...I just wanted to make sure y'all know that I am 100% thankful for my life!  All parts of it actually,even the bad, even the ugly, even the uncomfortable.

This week so far I have experienced so much good.  Y'all have I ever told you I have the best friends in this whole big fat world?  Well now you know.  They come in all shapes and sizes....with all different backgrounds, all in different stages in their lives and I love each of them for who and what they are!  I have had phone calls and texts and emails and love showered over me already this week and I should tell you it is a pretty constant shower.....pretty much its a torrential rain storm and I am the happy recipient.  

So I've had some encouragement.  I had a couple of really good phone hash-outs to form a plan to get me back on track.  Accountability and a swift kick in the butt is what I needed desperately and I had some great friends give me just that.  

So the plan involves a few things...

#1 - Read a proverb and a psalm every morning.  I've been struggling with staying in my Bible in the last week and this routine will help me.

Dos - Take some time for myself and leave the guilt behind.  I am honestly with my children 24/7 and I am a firm believer in mommy time away...its good for everyone.  

Number 3 - I need to make the gym a priority I feel guilty when I go because it is usually midday or in the morning and then I am away form our house and my kids are home.  The gym is my anti-drug and it helps my sanity immensely   In fact physical fitness is a proven benefit for mental health and that doesn't just come from the book "o" Jessica, its been proven.  

Quatro - Find some friends here.  I am a social being, I love people......and so I am making an effort.  I am meeting some moms from the homeschool tomorrow night for coffee and I am hosting a Valentines Party for some moms and kids next week.  

Five -  Assert my gifts and talents.  I miss using my gifts.  I miss cooking for others, sharing my home, blessing folks with food and running my business.  I can still do all of these things it is just going to take a bit of effort on my part.

And so you have it.  I am making a pledge to be intentional in making my days better.  As I have said before sometimes you have to look within if things don't seem to be going your way.

And so each day starts with God and each day will end with a thankful heart.

Today I started my day with the gym and intentionally prayed for my fulfillment, praying that God alone would deliver me the goods I needed to smile, to feel light, to love my days instead of wishing for bedtime.  

Look what came after the rain the other day.  Don't think for a moment I didn't take time to apply the knowledge I have within me concerning that rainbow:)

On living with my 80 year old grandmother.

You may not all know but when we moved we moved my 80 yr old grandmother with us. We packed her up put her in a movie van and along she came (okay maybe just her stuff in the moving van).

I have had lots of wow, I couldn't do thats. And lots of...oh how is that working out? Well its working out marvelously. Not only is it a wonderful way to love my grandma, but she provides much help and love in our home and gives me companionship as well. This multi-generational thing is actually quite beautiful and think it is more of a benefit to my little family than anything.

Here are a few of my favorite grandmaisms...

#1 - When the sink was clogged up the first time and I took all the plumbing out from underneath the sink, clean it out and put it all back together...she said well in my day we would have waited for the man of the house to come home and fix it. I replied well in my day you google it figure how to do it and fix it yourself:) Today when the sink backed up again she said Jessie I need you to fix the plumbing....thats my girl!

#2- She can't come downstairs to the laundry room so she calls me "laundry lady" and doesn't complain when I dye her pillowcases blue because I didn't have enough laundry to separate colors. She also tries to encourage me to press my sheets....not going to happen.

#3- When we use her handicap placard to park in disabled parking she says...at least i'm handy for something. Yep she's funny too!

#4- She makes fun of my jeans....telling me that the stitching is placed in a spot that brings to much attention to my back side.

#5- She has 12 batches of cookies baked and ready for teachers this week.

#6- She nudges Grace into her seat every night at dinner just like she did for me when I was a little girl and says....if you're not careful you are going to fall right out of that chair.

#7- She gives me the daily update on the royal baby. Current events are one of her strengths.

#8- She has declared that we all go to the professional tennis matches when they come to town this summer. She just has to go it would be sacriledge for her to miss it.


She is baffled by cell phone technology.


She plays with my kids.



And she hates to eat spinach, parsnips and sweet potatoes but she takes no thank you portions to save face with the kids. I love her for it!

We love her she loves us. She does my dishes when I take the kids to school. She is a blessing to us and I hope we are to her too!

Update from the Eastside.

Over here whenever we introduce ourselves to someone knew the refer to our previous location as the westside. I suppose its accurate. But being a previous resident of the Seattle area the Eastside was Bellevue/Redmond and the Westside was Seattle, so it still takes me by surprise when I hear it.


So enough of the confusion you are looking for an update.

I made a point to take each of the kids on a date last week. It has always been important to me to spend time with them separately on a regular basis. With moving and the general uproar of our lives over the last month we haven't had much opportunity to do so.

So I took Grace to a pottery paint shop in The Riverside Mall downtown.

I am not sure why but she seemed so grown up on this date. She was very collected and careful with her creation. We had great conversation and finished a piece for each other. She made me a jewelry dish and I painted her a piggy bank. We had a dance party in the car on the way back to the house. It was a marvelous evening....I can't wait to do it again!

Elliot and I took a ride on the Gondola overlooking the river that runs through town. It was really fun and super beautiful.


I think his emotions were a mix of terror and awe.

And this may be my new favorite picture of us. Goofy yes...but thats what we are:)


ANd it is in full force snowing now. It has been snowing since Thursday and would say we now have about 4 or 6 inches.


The kids love it. The snow here is so dry they can play in it forever as long as they are bundled up. And may I add they get themselves bundled up this year....winning! WE have come a long way baby!

I have officially declared that Spokane is the coldest place on earth...it hasn't been above 32 in a week. And at night it is about 25 or so. The cold moves right through you. I will say it is sure nice that it isn't so wet out on top of it. And of course I must add that I am so grateful that we can enjoy it from the windows of our warm home...I know there are many in this country with cold weather and no power or running water, our prayers remain with those on the east coast. I can't imagine!



In other news I am becoming quite comfortable with the perks of living in Spokane. We have a grocery service that brings us locally sourced seasonal produce and meats as well as other odds and ends once a week.


And on Friday we will start receiving a local farm fresh milk delivery along with butter and eggs from Spokane Family Farm. It didn't take me long to find the local farmers in our community and we are doing our best to support them as much as we can.

While the kids are at school I have been trying to finish Grace's quilt for Christmas. So far I am very happy with how it is turning out. It is supposed to be a scrap style quilt....however I will assure you that doesn't translate to easy as each fabric was chosen specifically and each square overanalyzed to the point of mental breakdown. But it is so very Grace, I would describe at as modern day Punky Brewster...if you don't know who that is we may have trouble being friends!


And just in case you didn't find a giggle anywhere else in this post...this is how Elliot walks around the house in the morning. Eat your heart out ladies. Thats 62lbs of pure lean mean fighting machine:)


Peace Homies~

People in Spokane are so dang friendly!

No one witchy lives in Spokane. You heard it hear folks. You come here you get a small town vibe in a giant city. Sorry to say but they have us beat in the PNW. People purposefully look you in the eye and smile here. Young boys bring your groceries to your car without even asking. Clerks and workers make real conversation even if it keeps them from doing there jobs. No one honks their horns. Its reminiscent of Lake Wobegone people....you know Garrison Keillor....where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

So it is apparent that I am liking this place. Love the people. The town itself however feels kind of reminiscent of Canada, you know how zoning seems non-existent and nothing makes sense, weird traffic signals and such. I do know how to get downtown, to South Hill and to Northtown. I have visited 7 grocery stores all within 6 miles of my house. Honestly I live in Suburbia and it is a bit strange....but I'm dealing.

In other news my kids are coming home tonight around midnight and they sent me this photo.

I can't wait to kiss those little faces.

And lastly Brian talked me into going to Walmart because we were right by one this evening. Yep, still really do not like it there. Pretty sure a tiny piece of me died upon entering that store and if its another 5 or 6 years until I go in again that will be to soon:) And that is all I have to say about that;)

Ta Ta for now!

And its happening.

We Are Moving.

Spocompton, Spokississippi....Spokane will be our new home. It is going to take a bunch more faith and quick work but it will happen.