On Buying a House

So we bought a house in Spokane.  There are markedly pieces of this story missing.  I am struggling with writing about some of the most lovely parts of this story because I very much want them to be felt not just read and stored away.   The last months are nothing short of Gods very goodness stretching us and blessing us beyond our wildest dreams and writing them down here for you to read rather than inviting you into my living room to hear the very tales seems like I am selling them short. So please come over and sit and I will start from the beginning.

In true Jager fashion we found our house in two weeks time.  However the journey was not easy.  We felt challenged in what we "should" choose based on preconceived ideas and emotions versus what we now claim to be true in our lives. When we bought our first house nearly 10 years ago we searched for pretty yards, white picket fences, nice neighborhoods and the like.  We found all of that, added a dog and two kids and started what I thought was a fairytale and it really was in so many ways.  And so when we started looking this time we began looking for the same thing.  We wanted something that "made sense."  We wanted something that  I would ashamedly say would bring us pride and represented who we were. 

Maybe I should start off by telling you when we moved to Spokane 2 years ago we shopped for our house based on what we could afford and also fit our family as at the time we needed room for my grandma too.  So we ended up renting a nearly 5000sq ft house that overlooked the entire city.  It was beautiful but over time I began to resent that poor house.  I hated the  looks on peoples face when they came in the front door, I hated the attention it brought, I hated the ideas of our financial situation it gave to people.  And really us Jagers are not McMansion people.  We are people that value community, we like to be able to commune and love on people with our house.  I want you to feel like you can throw open our fridge and grab yourself a beer, spill milk in our living room without feeling shame and put your feet up on the coffee table.  And that house made that difficult. 

So the hunt began.  I knew I wanted at least 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  I wanted room for people to come and stay, but I wanted it to be comfortable and cozy too.  We saw all sorts of houses big, small and in the middle.  Fixer uppers, and finished and when we thought we found the house I came home and felt sick.  Although many of our motives were for good things, and very much not for own benefit I realized what I was searching for was not aligned with the newness we have adopted for our lives here in Spokane. I had failed to pray and really ask God to show us where he wanted us to be.  What i wanted was safety, in Christ we are safe.  What I wanted was home, in Jesus my home will never be here in this place.  What I wanted was pride, without giving Jesus every part of me I am nothing.  What I wanted was beauty, without Jesus my heart will not only be ugly but empty.  And so we prayed.  We prayed with humble hearts knowing that once we opened that door we would have no choice but to follow his leading.  Half longing to be free from our own desires but half afraid to see how he would answer.  And in time it was very clear where we were supposed to be in the Shadle neighborhood, where we would be close to those that we love.  In a place that we could truly love our neighbors and hopefully be light and love to them.

Here are some observations others have made as they have watched this take place.  Wow, this isn't anything I would have thought you would choose.  Did Brian lose his job?  Are you guys okay?  Why there, why Shadle?  And I will tell you these questions do not offend, but they comfort because they give me opportunity to share the good news of Jesus with those who are bold enough to ask.  The truth is I don't know and you are right, in the past we would have run from Shadle.  This makes me sad and has created a deep repentance in me, but it has also brought me joy that I have been delivered out of a sin that was very deep within me.  The sin and wanting to not only keep up with the Joneses but be them.  The thought that what I  need is to be comfortable not just content.  The idea that what I need to be me is to be surrounded by people who have the same values and desires as I do.  Well you know what I did that for the first decade of our marriage and it didn't work out the greatest.  It looked awesome but it didn't always feel awesome.  

So when you drive into our neighborhood you will be greeted by the sights of folks living life.  Some of them care about their yards, some don't.  If it is past 3pm you will probably see the two guys a couple of blocks down working on their go carts and taking Coors light breaks on their folding chairs in the front yard.  You won't be able to miss our neighbor across the street with his lime green race car that he parks in the yard to wash and dry.  There is a young couple that lives next door with a toddler and a dog whose bark is reminiscent of Cujo, there house belonged to her grandmother and they have a gate in their backyard to allow them access to their parents yard directly behind ours.  There is a man who walks his dog without any shoes  every morning.  And another that walks with a stick that I assume is meant for self defense but I haven't asked him yet so I don't know maybe he just likes the weight of it in his hand. A woman who walks with 3 young kids who seems nervous to return my hello but I am determined to continually show her love in that every time I see her.  And so far I have counted 11 people who have stopped to read the sign on our front door, I think half wondering if it is a declaration or an invitation (its both).  At first glance I can see the need for confusion from our friends and loved ones. But in my heart I know we are right where God wants us. I am humbled that I am loved enough to go forward with living here, and in the beginning I too was wary of what we had done.  But I can truly say that I know if I am honest of how this all transpired we have done nothing.  All honor and love and praise is to him who calls us His own.

So what does life look like for the Jagers now that we are here? You may notice I did not mention the names of the folks above.  We are praying to change that.  We desire to not only know our neighbors but to have them in our home and in our lives. Praying that amongst our shortcomings Jesus would be able to be that much more strong as we move forward with pressing in.  That Jesus would be present and recognizable and not because of us or our own greatness but because of the love he has for us.  That we may live transparently and openly, realizing that none of us deserves a place to belong but in him we all have access to family.  And so we have made several pledges or commitments to put us in deeper contact.  Everything we do regularly...groceries, the gym, schools for the kids, and the like is done within 10 minutes of our front door and hopefully within the Shadle neighborhood, this is limiting in some ways but also so good for us to build community.  We meet with two other couples and their children once a week to support one another in one anothering.  Praying that God would use us to not only further the love of his kingdom but to support one another in life.  To pray with and for one another in the mundane and the unreal, to spur one another on amongst weakness in hopes of pointing each other to the cross so that it can become larger and more real.  We remind one another of the truth that Jesus is real and his sacrifice was large and we are simply here to bring His glory to light and to life.  And all of this folks sounds real good on paper but in all truth it is real hard.  That doesn't take away from its greatness though.  

I know you all want to know about the house and from my above description you are probably expecting the worst.  It is not a janky little house as I once called it.  My heart is continually changing as I seek more of Jesus.  What we bought is material it is simply a house but it also where we welcome people in to share the love that we have been so freely given.  It is a 1954 brick rambler.  In all actuality it is a u shape brick with a basement.  It has extra bedrooms and two bathrooms.  It is lovely and warm and Jesus has blessed it already with comfort even though I am completely content with all that he has given me thus far.  We have already started ripping down walls to make it more livable.  One of things we desired was to be able to welcome others in, to be able to give folks a soft place to land or a family to be adopted into, super ambiguous but we already have a girl that wants to move in in January while she does an internship here.  So in preparation for our first tenant we are adding on an extra bathroom to provide a bit more space for coexistence. And I would be lying to say I am not excited about all of this.  We have fireplaces and original hardwoods and a tiny little kitchen with appliances that are much to big but fit our needs quite well.  The backyard is dead and there are cosmos growing in the place of the grass that used to reign there. The front yard is shaded with the love of a giant oak that is inhabited by squirrels.  The grass in the front is green and lush, I love to mow it.  

We are happy and most pleased with all that has transpired.  I know I talk of much change in our hearts, and friends from the past years are quick to email me and remind me that the old us was loved and appreciated.  And so I must say that I have no condemnation for myself , I love myself more than I ever possibly could have but it is all by his grace that I have the ability to say those words. All I had or I did before was to simply earn my place in the kingdom to prove my goodness and worthiness for a place at the table.  And honestly it doesn't look much different from the outside.  Except that all that I have and all that I do is out of response for the forgiveness I myself have been given and we all have been offered.  I am free from shame and free to live. 

More to come on marriage, and friendship and mothering and love. It will continue to be real.

walk in love friends-

Suckin the marrow

And so it's been a bit.

I have said it before but I have a hard time writing when I am amongst struggle. Not because I don't want to share but more because I find writing those struggles down can be overwhelming at times.  Being quiet and still have been learned behaviors in the last years and I suppose silence in writing just comes a long with it. 

But with all that has happened around here in the last months I believe a lot would be lost without a bit of a rehash and explanation and hopefully in the end an arrow as bright as you have ever seen that points you straight to Jesus.  Because with out the final mentioned it would seem that what has transpired was a huge waste.

About six months ago Brian was presented with many new options professionally.  All of which would bring a move upon us.  And we are not talking just across the state this time but across the country.  This was difficult for us to contemplate and weigh.  We prayed so much for clear wisdom, leading and provision.  Really trying to leave it at the foot of the cross.  It's so easy to let your brain get the best of you in these situations, especially when you have been through the situation before. Last time we sort of went through this alone. Really keeping it to ourselves in an attempt to not disturb the peace in our lives or in others.  But this time we really felt called to live this out within our community, openly confessing our struggle, and allowing others to gain perspective through our experience.  

In the beginning I was quite fearful.  It was a lot to think about and contemplate. But my heart
changed overtime.  I was given vision and hope in heaven, reminders of where our true home is,
grace for others and new locations, but maybe mostly reminders of gods grace for us thus far. It is not been so long since we made the move to Spokane that I have forgotten what he had done for us here and the remembrance of that gave me peace to know that wherever we ended up Gods presence would also be, that he would prepare a place for us.  Just as we believe there are no bad people we also believe there are no bad places, god created  it all and so as much as others placed there own fears for us into my view I felt at ultimate peace about where we would end up and that is when some miraculous things started to happen.

Two years ago I started praying for trust and patience.  I began to realize that I was lacking in these abilities and that the lacking was creating craziness and unrest and scrambling.  Scrambling to surround myself with stability and hope, neither of which we're coming from a well of the gospel but more from my own capabilities.  My own ability to get my poop in a group and push forward.  Instead of a humble realization of my shortcomings followed and repaired by more Jesus, more admission and confession of need for less of my own thoughts. what I thought I wanted was a step my step process to make me better.  What I got was a stripping, a wrecking and a rerouting making me completely unable toa be capable on my own and instead allowing me to realize that all I have is really not mine it belongs as I myself do to a heavenly creator who knows me completely and  not only loves me anyways but because of it.

And with all that being said when we were presented with the option to move it gave me a perfect opportunity to prove what I had learned....hahaha...it seems I had still not learned a thing in light of it to all.  God was showing me that I had nothing to prove, he knew my heart and my longing and instead of me becoming more capable I became more dependent upon him for peace that comes without the need for understanding.  And once that was realized I declared to Brian that I was no longer going to live with the thought that we may be leaving something, I wasn't going to live afraid of what may happen to my heart through all of this but I was in fact (excuse my language, I was in fact raised by fisherman) going to suck the marrow out of this shit.  That I was going to live fully, allowing pain and suffering but even more so joy and love and healing to come through this and I would sit back and relax and watch it happen.   If you know me even a little you would know that that thought alone is nothing short of supernatural, I am not a truster , i am in fact a control freak because I feel if I don't know what is happening next I won't be prepared and if something bad happens it will be my fault for not seeing it coming.  But what I banked on and what I claimed was eternal hope which is in no place rooted in me but in what has already been done.

And so we moved forward.  Brian had 9 interviews, each one more grueling, I watched him fear, I watched him hope, I watched him struggle with earthly stability and that which  is promised to us in heaven.  We were faced with questions that we couldn't answer, why would you leave this, what do you actually need, what are you searching for, what is this actually about?  To be honest we are still praying over many of these questions.  But in the end we were given option to compromise, to claim something that wasn't true to go somewhere that we would have had to trade Jesus for and  it didn't fit.  And so as our pastor said in the beginning you may choose not to do this and it might not make any sense.  We blew that statement off in the beginning thinking that our options would be obvious, and as much as they were they also weren't.  I have learned that even when you feel at peace in circumstance you can still be swayed by others misunderstanding.  And that is where the struggle has been.  Thankfully we do not need to prove, or explain or be justified, that has all been done.  In the end this position was between two, Brian and another, we could have taken it.  My husband could have led us into "financial abundance," "professional security," instead he followed what didn't make sense and I believe it still goes against what makes sense to him.  But I have never felt so loved and cared for in my marriage as I did that day.  It had nothing to do with moving to a different state, leaving my friends and family or being uprooted. It had everything to do with where we are and what God is doing  in and around us.

You would have thought the story was over there.  That we would just go on living in our house on the hill. Surrounded my glass and views that stretched for miles but when I let go when I started sucking the marrow out I prayed that we would feel able to put down roots free to live out side of what makes sense. Free to plug in knowing that nothing earthly  is forever and who even knows what that means.  And so once again God has provided and I am not the least bit surprised.  We have move forward in faith and we are in the process of buying a house here in Spokane.

To be continued....

A boost

My prayers have been much wrapped in my parenting, in my mothering, in my friends mothering. I have been searching for a definition, a purpose, an idea.....basically I have been just pleading for God to throw me a bone, but more on that later.  I suppose I am always contemplating these ideas, the feeling of bewilderment is not a new one.  Perhaps though this tween stage is really throwing me for a loop.  Gone are the days of the naughty step, replaced by days of back talk and really "bright" ideas.  There are quite a number of days that I feel incredibly exhausted when my head hits the pillow, nights where my prayers are also filled with tears, the good news in this is that I am also experiencing a love that is the closest form of how our Father in heaven must love us.

This prayer of, God, how can I most glorify you in my mothering has been constant for some time but concentrated much more heavily in the last month.  The truth is I stink a stench of rottenness at this most of the time, but in contemplating it I have found myself reminding my children -and then reminding myself inadvertently- of their need for grace, of their ability to obtain it, of the fact that they have been chosen for redemption much more often and much more freely.  It has been humbling to feel the work of the spirit, and reassuring to know that i am not alone in this role, in these days where I feel as I have lost all control I too have been promised goodness, God is ultimately for me too in all things.  He is much  the opposite of what I can muster most days, he doesn't sit pleading for me to get my poop in a group, or yell or shout at me when I get it wrong.  He is a God of mercy and love.  A Father with opened arms not closed fists.  Those reminders alone are a good representation of my need for the spirit to lead me in this journey.

This past week with the remembrance of Jesus and his ultimate sacrifice for me was a pivotal moment in all of this.  The kids and I traveled across the state to visit family for the past week.  We traveled over Palm Sunday and Good Friday.  On the way west I found myself retelling the story of Palm Sunday in my head.  I have taught that lesson in Sunday school a countless number of times. Bu this time as I replayed the series of events all I could think of was Jesus, the sight of Jesus.  And as I fixated on that I begin to picture our whole little family standing on the roadside that day as Jesus was parading through on a donkey and I began to let myself imagine what that would be like.  Being amongst the crowd, striving for a peek at this reported Son of God.  Laying out our jackets on the ground for the said donkey to walk upon.  And I began to think about wanting my children to be able to see him too, just to catch a glimpse of his face, and I pictured myself allowing them to climb upon my shoulders, i pictured myself giving them a boost just so they could see.  And then it occurred to me that the Holy Spirit had given me my answer in a vision.

My ultimate purpose as a mother is to be a dwelling place for the spirit so I can give my kids a boost to see Jesus.  And that purpose seems very fitting to me, as well as humbling and exciting and quite lovely.  And I know it has very little to do with my own ability, that in order to succeed I ultimately need to die to myself in order to let God shine.  I also have the opportunity and freedom to share with my children in my failings, to teach them first hand of our need for grace and all the while revealing my own fault.  Its okay to not always do it right the first time, we were in fact created with Jesus in mind, God knew our need and had a plan in mind to welcome us out of our filth.  The offer is as good for me as it is for my children and for each of you.  

Your Love Remains 

the brilliance

Through the darkness
Through the fire
Through my wicked heart’s desire
Your love remains, Your love remains
Though I stumble
Though I falter
Through my weakness You are strong
Your love remains, Your love remains

Oh my, my soul, it cries
Oh my, my soul, it cries out
Soul, it cries out
Soul, it cries, it cries out

Through my failure
Through my heartache
Through my healing
In my pain Your love remains, Your love remains
Though I stumble
Though I falter
Through my weakness You are strong
Your love remains, Your love remains

Hiding and being known

I feel as if  I refer to the past year in a half a lot.  I catch myself starting endless conversations this way.  I suppose it is because my family and I are still on this journey that really only started in the past year and half.  The other part of it comes from a much deeper, darker space within me.  It could be that I never want to be where I was or who I was prior to this.  I suppose I had led myself to believe that I was okay with it all, that the past was the past and now is just now and the future is nothing we can even measure here on earth.  I do believe all of this whole heartedly except for the past part.  I didn't know until about a month ago that  I was quite ashamed of the past.  As it turns out I wasn't truly accepting my redemption yet.  In fact I believe that I didn't even want to be seen anywhere near that light.

One of the best parts about moving to a new town 6 hours away from the place you thought you would always call home is that no one knows you or your crap ( or what they think they know about you and your crap).  This alone is a fairly fabulous freedom that I had never known.  However anonymous existence only lasts for so long and it isn't really what I believe God intends for our lives.  God used this time to not only free me but to break me and it was effective.  The problem is that this freedom still lingers, that freedom unleashed an unbridled existence within me and for the first time in my life I began to live out my life for an audience of one, that one being my heavenly father.  

Recently I heard others perceptions of me in rather public forum. I wanted to run so fast from those words, they were embarrassing and very much not true, and perhaps the worst part was that although they didn't describe me now they weren't far off from where I used to be.  From who I used to be.  And maybe in the past these feelings would have made me feel a step up in the world.  Now they made me want to hide.  I had forgotten who i was living for and quickly allowed myself to believe that these other persons feeling should be become part of my own.  Instead of adopting my true identity.  

My fault beyond the shame and hiding was that as soon as these emotions came across my heart I began to question God for what he wanted.  I immediately started to pray and ask God what more he needed to strip, what more he needed to take.  What more can I give?  At the same time take it all.  

But the most surprising emotion was the embarrassment. I can't even pick a time in my life where I have been embarrassed.  I am what you would call an open book.  I am quick to point out my ridiculousness.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I really believe that my life and my experiences are not mine to hold but rather are meant to be shared, they don't belong to me.  So the fact that I felt so embarrassed was not only shameful but foreign. Our Sunday gathering was the absolute worst.  I felt as if I couldn't even lift my head.  Making eye contact or engaging myself in conversation was impossible because I was full on invested in not being seen.  I had confused the message I had been sent in my interaction to mean that I needed to be invisible.  If no one saw me they couldn't have opinions and if I disappeared I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.  P.S. it didn't work.  

I spent a week in Vegas with Brian 2 weeks ago.  I had planned to write and to read God's word the entire time I was there.  I knew I wanted to allow God to use that time to fill and change my heart. However, every time I opened my bible it was if I was in the middle of a giant auditorium filled with screaming people. And I allowed that to mean that God was letting me sit in my squalor for a bit.  Allowing me to experience my sin.  Allowing me to feel what I had claimed.  If I wanted to be the own lifter of my very head I could try it.  I don't believe God ever gives us what we truly deserve but I do believe he allows to walk in our sin on occasion to ultimately show us the ways of our own hearts.  And the way of my heart was that I was allowing other peoples view points of me to dictate how I felt about myself but ultimately dictate how I thought God felt about me.  I was willing to give the whole year and half up for someone else's perceptions.  

I don't see the message any different now except that I now realize it has nothing to do with me.  I mean this in the opposite vein of pride.  What God wanted me to give was all of me. I believe now that what I was to learn was that God could care for me in all circumstances that his love was enough to lift my head when I felt as if I couldn't.  That I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Who I was and who I am are all part of his plan.  I am no longer seen in my own light but in the light of Jesus.  Thats the identity I adopt.  

I know this seems like quite the babble and it may not make much sense.  You won't catch me apologizing.  My hope is that within the babble you would find something that reminds you of the very redemption you yourself have been offered.

We have two options we can walk around attempting to hide from the very God that knows us better than we know ourselves or we walk in love, in the truth of being known for who God intends us to be as if we already are.  The latter is much lighter.  The latter is eternal.  

Walk In Love Friends-

confession

I found myself praising God for my ability to live uncovered because of what Jesus has done for me this weekend.  Over the last months i have become quite comfortable with confession.  But in years past I had come to hate it.   I mean who wants to own up about how incredibly horrible they really are on the inside and hey if we are going to be completely honest,  how horrible we are on the outside as well.

Confessing used to signify weakness to me, which would signify my need for something. Honestly needing anything or anyone had become something that was quite horrifying and scary to me.  Need would lead me to a place where I needed to have faith and trust, these were things that over the years I had been shown that I couldn't have in people. This belief put me a pretty uncomfortable place with my faith in Christ though.  My lack of trust in others translated into a lack of trust in God.  And since I had believed that lie, and because I did in fact still need a savior, believe it or not, I attempted to become my own. Welcome a whole truck load of self righteousness to the scene.  

Now when you attempt to be your own savior a lot of things start to happen.  You become hard, unforgiving of yourself and others, quick to think you are the only one who can fix things, quick to believe that others will be lost without you, judgmental, close minded, legalistic, quick to point out others faults, constantly reminding others of your worth, working to earn and to prove and all of this leads to burn-out, exhaustion and eventual self destruction.  This happened to me.  And you know none of the work I had set out to do brought me any closer to heaven.  In fact I was pretty sure I might just not end up there.  Grace was non-existent to me and really love was too.  

I heard the gospel again this past year.  In fact I hear it every single Sunday.  And not only do I hear it on Sundays, I hear it all week.  Many of my friends are very comfortable hearing my confession and not only are they comfortable hearing it but sometimes they pull it out of me.  This used to signify a time of lashing and pointing out my faults.  Although now we do talk through my faults, the time we spend confessing our sins are wrapped in the message of what God has given us in His son.  The truth of what took place when Jesus died on the cross, and how little it has to do with us and our actions.  And the overwhelming message that I am free to love others and myself because I am forgiven, and loved.  

When we do this.  When we take the time to allow God to remove our sin we are immediately freed from the emotions that come with it. We are free from shame, hatred and the general need to hide. This leaves much more room for love, peace, hope, humbleness and the ability to move forward towards the cross. We are immediately freed from the need to make our stories about us and are more compelled to give the glory to God. 

I find I am in need of a constant bathing of the gospel.  When I distance myself I find that it is easy to stray from what I truly believe and easier to absorb old lies.  The more time I spend focusing on the truth the more I find that it is impossible for me to stifle it.  Confession is an integral piece.  

With the love of Christ we have got nothing to lose friends except our need for self.  

Praise Jesus for the ability to live uncovered.

Walk in love friends-

Timothy Keller: "The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as 'I'm in this room with these people, does that makes me look good? Do i want to be here?' True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self forgetfulness." (The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness)

Sanctified

Perhaps it is only in our ultimate failures that we can truly experience the fullness of God's amazing and abundant grace.  Maybe it is at times only in our anguish of our need that we can accept the offer we have been given in our redemption.  The truth that we do not in fact carry the burden of our need to be holy but that it is only through the holiness of the spirit that we can be restored.  After what is going on two decades of the ever failing message that I would be able to reach my full potential of redemption in Christ through my own strength and effort, I can now rejoice in the fact that I will forever and always be in need of a Savior.  And in good tidings because without that truth I won't be going far, my ultimate reward lies in my ability to humbly rest in my weakness, knowing full well that my surrender is what will make the process of my unraveling less painful.  But in the end not even my surrender is needed for God's will to be done in me or through me.  His will will be completed through the ages no matter my level of willing participation.

This past year has been one filled with a new understanding of grace and my role in it.  Truth is it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.  My purpose here on earth has nothing to do with my own desires rather to allow God to shine through me humbly praying that in turn more glory would shine upon Him.  I praise the name of Jesus that I don't have to wait another 15  years to feel the sweet relief of my need to save myself.  Jesus paid it all for you and for me.

I spent the last 10 days loving my sister and brother in law and their sweet new baby Paige.  I have been aware for some time that I have been gifted with the ability to love and care for others, willingly able to give of myself to most anyone.  In the past even though I have felt grateful for the gift I find myself feeling burdened with it, tired and exhausted with my need to provide comfort.I was worried in my travel across the country to arrive on their doorstep with my own baggage and tendency to be self righteous in my giving.  Knowing full well that it would be easy to slip into my old clothes, that it would be easy to mask my own pleasure and fight for self worth in the God given gift I have been given to love.  I prayed heartily in advance and in route and while I was in the midst of it all.  I prayed that I would be able to shed my own need to feel worthy and justified and adopt the truth I have been given in Jesus- that I am free to love and give of my self simply because Jesus has done that for me. That I can leave all of my expectations and desires in my experiences behind because I will never on my own be worthy, justified or proven.  I am however and will forever be loved, thought of, remembered and cared for by God the Father.  He has me in the palm of his hand.

This past ten days were plenty filled with the Spirit.  I can count the number of hours I slept in my provided bed on two hands.  But God spared me from sleep deprivation and my own need and desire for comfort.  I caught myself consumed with God's love on more than one occasion.  I set out to bless my family with the love of the father but was in turn blessed beyond anything I could have imagined on my own.

Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom.  He uses even our very darkest sins to bring him glory.

-Walk in love friends

used to

I used to be a master of schedules.  I used to manage all of my titles with ease, flowing from one thing to the next, orchestrating them all to work together.  My phone used to ring off the hook and my email box used to be full of requests and pleas for help.  Life was full and in my opinion at that time that meant life was good.  I had created a photograph of servanthood with me at the center and I believed that to mean that I was on my way to earning my seat in heaven.  I believed that the more I gave up the more selfless I was becoming. And the whole while I was getting pats on the back and that a girls and praise for paving the way of what it should like.  

But here is the secret, for a decade I grew more empty with each year.  I grew more self reliant and self righteous with each day.  I became more dependent on self and less reliant on my Father in heaven.  And the craziest thing is I wan't doing any of it for my fame, all that i was doing could be considered as good, God willed things.  But what I was doing it for was not true, was not needed was not necessary. I was attempting to earn my own salvation. I was attempting to earn something that had already been offered to me freely and all I had to do was accept that my role in it was quite insignificant. There was no way I could possibly do anything to deserve it or earn it because it had been given freely based on the love of my father in heaven.  Based on his desire to draw me close to him, to call me his own.

Gone are the days of my 10 steps to bring me closer to God, to help me walk closer, to give me more faith.  Because all I need is the cross.  All I need is the constant reminder that my role is insignificant but in Him I have significance.  In Him I have been given all I was every trying to work for.  All I have to do is believe and daily confess of my need for Him to forgive me. 

Oh and in this there is so much freedom, so much joy, so little stress and so much contentedness. I used to search for comfort and all I needed was to be content for I had already been offered all that I would ever need.

I am not sure that many from my past decade could look at my life and see me for the same person i used to be. I used to be driven, now I am patiently waiting to be prompted.  I used to be focused and implanted in all that I had surrounded myself with, now I walk surrounded by Gods love for  me and the rest just naturally follows. Before I would look from side to side and wonder why everyone else was just standing around, now I realize that God requires a lot more waiting in me and each person is on their own path.  I used to openly share all that I was doing right, now I feel the need to openly admit that this new path is hard and I struggle with the choice to choose the truth every day. But I am happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

In the past if you asked me who I was I would feel the need to pour out a resume of all I did, of all I felt I was defined by and had worked for.  Not anymore folks because I'm broken, forgiven, humbled and loved. Most folks don't see these titles as savory, most folks would feel a bit of shame associated with their need to be forgiven, their need to be humbled or broken and afraid that they needed to feel loved every day. I used to be most folks, I felt inadequate for my need and was sure that if I just tried harder I wouldn't feel like that.  Shame does not come from the cross though, shame was taken from us when Jesus died on that cross.  I can say whole heartedly I am needy for a savior and I am happy for that.  It is the one thing in this life that has ever satisfied me.  

Walk in love friends-