Saturday, July 20, 2013

Is this even working?

I've been in a funk.  I've been a little down.  My arthritis is back.  Pain took over sleep for a couple of months.  The lack of sleep led to a bit of the doldrums.  Good news is I think I'm better. I think it's fixed. Hopefully I can explain why I haven't been writing.  Basically no one wants to read the musings of a whiny baby, and so that's that.
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I used to work with a lady that in the heat of the moment at work would turn and ask, "Is this even working."  I would always giggle and smugly think, boy I can't imagine feeling that way all of the time.  To not be sure of oneself to the point of always thinking I was failing.  Funny how things work when we think we have it all together, someday we won't.
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And so I must share that often in the last three months I feel like looking from side to side and asking, "Is this even working?"  I have been in great pain which leads to a lot of personal discouragement in my life.  This label of arthritis seriously rocks me to my core because when it controls me I feel as if I can't do anything that I want to do.  I cant be the mom I want to be or the wife I long to be.  Getting out of bed becomes a chore and sleep leaves the building.  And so I didn't sleep for about 2 months and sleep deprivation led to a trip to crazy town.  And then I failed to be able to manage anything, which gave me a sad case of the doldrums.  All through this happening I refused to go to the Dr. because that would be admitting that I do have a medical issue and it in fact does affect me greatly from time to time.  And sometimes I can not control it.
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But never fear I have now been to the Dr. was put on medication (something I had been avoiding) which is helping tremendously and guess what I'm sleeping too.  Brian said the first night that I slept he woke up three times just to make sure I was alive because I hadn't moved a muscle. I have learned that asking for help isn't accepting defeat.  
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I have control issues, its known.  This year has been a large learning curve as to how much I am in fact actually in control of......very little:) 
 photo IMG_3393_zps5bca2f88.jpgI had a kind of break through with it all this week.  I remembered that happiness is sometimes a choice.  Life is very rarely easy and the good doesn't always come with the bad, very often things can be just bad.  But that doesn't mean that we can lose hope and faith is needed through it all.
 photo IMG_3386_zpsb1e9c45e.jpgIt has been difficult going through all of this without my support group, AKA my mom and mother in law and my best friend.  It is even harder to ask for help in new surroundings.  But I am learning that with God I can get through anything.  With a positive attitude he can help me even more.  And that I am just fine on my own, even though I miss my family dearly.
 photo IMG_3328_zps0e106261.jpgToday the kids and I traveled up to Green Bluff and picked cherries and apricots.  We had so much fun, just the 3 of us.  I am so blessed to have the pair of them.  We spent the hot, hot morning (it was 90 degrees out by 9:30) on ladders high up in the tree tops, searching for what the fruit trees had to offer.  And I attempted to leave my nervous nellie mom behavior in the car as my children were scaling giant ladders to reach the best fruit at the very top of the trees.  I realized then that I was choosing joy not sorrow.  I was choosing to have a day with my kiddos, enjoying some of God's greatest creation.  There were plenty of giggles, plenty of new facts learned about the food we eat.  And plenty of chances for us to help and serve one another.  

We were able to harvest about 40lbs of apricots and 10lbs of cherries.  We decided that we are only putting up food that is grown in these here parts of Eastern WA.  So not much on the berry front although they can be found they aren't quite the same.  We will be harvesting huckleberries when the time is right though.  

And so I move forward with a better outlook once again.  It is very much two steps forward one step back at times but the forward is definitely winning.

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