Thursday, December 12, 2013

used to

I used to be a master of schedules.  I used to manage all of my titles with ease, flowing from one thing to the next, orchestrating them all to work together.  My phone used to ring off the hook and my email box used to be full of requests and pleas for help.  Life was full and in my opinion at that time that meant life was good.  I had created a photograph of servanthood with me at the center and I believed that to mean that I was on my way to earning my seat in heaven.  I believed that the more I gave up the more selfless I was becoming. And the whole while I was getting pats on the back and that a girls and praise for paving the way of what it should like.  

But here is the secret, for a decade I grew more empty with each year.  I grew more self reliant and self righteous with each day.  I became more dependent on self and less reliant on my Father in heaven.  And the craziest thing is I wan't doing any of it for my fame, all that i was doing could be considered as good, God willed things.  But what I was doing it for was not true, was not needed was not necessary. I was attempting to earn my own salvation. I was attempting to earn something that had already been offered to me freely and all I had to do was accept that my role in it was quite insignificant. There was no way I could possibly do anything to deserve it or earn it because it had been given freely based on the love of my father in heaven.  Based on his desire to draw me close to him, to call me his own.

Gone are the days of my 10 steps to bring me closer to God, to help me walk closer, to give me more faith.  Because all I need is the cross.  All I need is the constant reminder that my role is insignificant but in Him I have significance.  In Him I have been given all I was every trying to work for.  All I have to do is believe and daily confess of my need for Him to forgive me. 

Oh and in this there is so much freedom, so much joy, so little stress and so much contentedness. I used to search for comfort and all I needed was to be content for I had already been offered all that I would ever need.

I am not sure that many from my past decade could look at my life and see me for the same person i used to be. I used to be driven, now I am patiently waiting to be prompted.  I used to be focused and implanted in all that I had surrounded myself with, now I walk surrounded by Gods love for  me and the rest just naturally follows. Before I would look from side to side and wonder why everyone else was just standing around, now I realize that God requires a lot more waiting in me and each person is on their own path.  I used to openly share all that I was doing right, now I feel the need to openly admit that this new path is hard and I struggle with the choice to choose the truth every day. But I am happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

In the past if you asked me who I was I would feel the need to pour out a resume of all I did, of all I felt I was defined by and had worked for.  Not anymore folks because I'm broken, forgiven, humbled and loved. Most folks don't see these titles as savory, most folks would feel a bit of shame associated with their need to be forgiven, their need to be humbled or broken and afraid that they needed to feel loved every day. I used to be most folks, I felt inadequate for my need and was sure that if I just tried harder I wouldn't feel like that.  Shame does not come from the cross though, shame was taken from us when Jesus died on that cross.  I can say whole heartedly I am needy for a savior and I am happy for that.  It is the one thing in this life that has ever satisfied me.  

Walk in love friends-

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


today was a day.

today was a good day.? no let me rephrase was a day that was bound to happen.

Elliot had a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for this afternoon.  he has had a standing appointment scheduled for every three months for the last 5 years.  every three months he must have a med check done to be prescribed medication that helps him concentrate.  Elliot has ADHD.  it has been something we have known for some time but Elliot hasn't. today though he heard those letters attached to him and since he has heard them before attached to others with negative connotation he lost it.  quietly and controlled he lost it right there in the dr.'s office. everything I had fought against and protected him from and built up was lost for a fraction of a moment.  his eyes said it all red rimmed and brimming with tears.  his eyes said what his mouth would say and question lied to me.  

in this moment my heart broke and I felt lost and alone and broken. i was most likely feeling the same as he was.  

the reason we didn't ever tell Elliot about his ADHD is because to us it is just a label.  a label that over the last 20 years has become a dirty word in some circles. a label that publicly has no positive attached to it. 

i have had mothers make rude comments, try to give me advice on parenting to "fix" it, encourage me to discipline more frequently or maybe just harder...I mean honestly if I could just get my crap together maybe my kid wouldn't struggle with this.  and then there is always the flip side, maybe lay off the sugar, don't feed them gmos, only choose organic, less tv, more books...yadda yadda yadda.  i mean french kids don't "get" ADHD. seriously i have heard it all and the sad thing is  so have our kids. it seems to me that as soon as we fail to understand something we have to quick come up with a solution, or an answer, or an opinion, when at times it may be beneficial to just realize you may never get it. sometimes we just need to leave things be and pray, maybe most of the time we should do this.

now don't get me wrong elliot knows there is reason for the pill he takes every morning not only that he is well aware of the reason.  he is aware of his struggle to concentrate to focus and he knows his medication helps him do this.  he also knows that it takes effort on his part as well to reign in his impulses and he knows he can ask God to help him through the whole lot of it.  so the only piece he was missing was the label.  and the ironic part is he was fine with all of the last described.  he didn't feel the least bit bad about those things about himself.  it was the label that broke him.

and so this was the choice we made this time-to withhold the label-it was the way we felt led to parent in this circumstance and i think it was right. but i know all the more today that being a mom, being a parent in general is a job that requires much grace, much prayer, much trust in our father in heaven.  I am constantly looking for the spirit to guide.  the twisted thing is our kids are looking for the very same from us and we have the divine privilege to point them to the cross.  I can't say I have always been really great at this...sometimes it seems easier to coddle and soothe with hugs and pats on the backs.  but the older my kids get the more i see their need for a savior and it could be because I see more of a need in myself as well.

today though was bound to happen and  i got to give it to him straight.  today with tears streaming down my cheeks i got to deliver the truth about my son to him.  i got to tell him that the reason his dad and i didn't want him tied up in a label given by a dr. was because we wanted him to be wrapped up in the labels that he has been given from God...forgiven, loved, accepted, chosen, wanted, adopted, delighted in, desired, sought after and much more.  today i told him those were his heavenly labels the ones that mattered the most. the ones that would always be there.  

my son elliot has adhd.  and as we told him i wouldn't change that about him.  i love him just as i try to love the rest of you, for who God has made you to be as if you already were.

walk in love friends.