I found myself investigating the church yesterday. With my eyes only I allowed myself to take in each pipe of the organ, I attempted to recognize heads in front of me That we have seen over the last few weeks, I smiled at children that recognized me before their parents, there is a little boy that sits in fron of us and I said hello to him and he turned to his Dad and said, "Daddy that lady said hello to me again. Did you here her? Hello, Hello, Hello." I guess that he must be two going on three and he is scrumptious. I found myself looking over the interesting instrumental quintet for the morning and sang as loudly as I could during worship. I felt the spirit but I felt alone. The sermon was on realizing we do not have the power to do things on our own, we in fact need God to do much for us. A sermon on the topic of faith and the light of hope. I think a lot of us could have used that sermon this week. I know I did for more than one reason.
As the sermon went on I felt myself begin to pray a prayer I have prayed more than once, probably more than 10 times in the last month and a half. I prayed for a place to belong. A place to be needed. A place that God could use me to do His will. And then I went on autopilot. The last few days have been stressful and I have felt a bit depressed and anxious. I have prayed constantly for God to remove the anxiety and to help me to move forward with hope that things will become normal. But most often I pray and ask that he would use me.
Well it wasn't to much longer and we were singing the closing song and I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. There is an older couple that sits in a pew 1 back and 1 to the right from us every week. He has a grandpa demeanor (we all know how much I love a good Grandpa) he winks at you and has a warm smile. It was he who was tapping on my shoulder. He whispered and asked me if we would be at the 4o'clock service on Christmas Eve. I said yes and he went on to tell me he would really appreciate it if I could take the time to usher at the door closest to our pew on Christmas Eve. I asked, "me?" He said yes you know with 4 services we are very shorthanded and if you would be willing. Now let me tell you I know ushering and handing out programs is no big thing but how often are you blessed by a warm smile from the usher when you walk into church. God was answering my prayer and it took all that was in me to not start weeping. I have a job I can do no matter how simple, I can use it to bless others. I thanked the man...twice. He had me write down my phone number and he went back to his pew. As I was putting on my coat he walked by me with a touch to my shoulder and said thanks kid. Mercy....blessings.
So I drove home.
There was about six inches of snow in my driveway yesterday. I knew we were supposed to get more and with Brian sick I knew I should find a way to shovel it. Well turns out we didn't pack our snow shovel. So I had it in my mind that after lunch I would go out with the kids and purchase one. The kids went out to play in the snow and I went to reading a book. When the kids came in a heard what I thought was a chainsaw so I went to look what was the clatter:) Turns out my neighbor Mr. Wise the engineer took it upon himself to snow blow my long drive way and all the way around the loop. Another blessing. I ran out and said thank you and he looked at me said, this really isn't a big deal it takes me but two minutes with this snow blower. Maybe so but it would have taken me hours with a shovel.
So yesterday was filled with angels....people just doing what they felt led to do and blessing me in the process. It was a day to remember that without God I have nothing but with him I can do all things that he intends for me to do. This journey has been about obedience, trust and faith. All things that I struggle with on a daily basis and I am learning so much. This may e all that God intends for me right now and it is so hard but I am trying not to do anything that he hasn't put in my path to do. I am trying to to create my own story, I am trying to let him lead the way. And by golly it will not kill me but is making me a heck of a lot stronger.