Monday, October 15, 2012

Not my will but His

As I sit and write I am eating a piece of cold pizza and pondering the thought of needing to be at work in an hour with not much planned to teach and wondering how the heck I ended up with the pizza in my hand. I have spent the morning looking through things. Traffic Lights are there but I find my self looking f=down the road. We pull up at school and the thought of not doing that anymore seems so absurd. I track each step wondering not only how many more times I will be able to experience it again but what my new steps will look like. The wonder is the most terrifying yet exciting thing thing right now. The Bitter and Sweet continue on.

I want to relay that in the last year and a half I have learned what it means to pray for God's will and I feel much different about it now. Praying for God's will means leaving your own aside, it means having the guts to follow where he leads, it means praying for blessings and knowing that God will bless you in the way that works best for His plan for you. It doesn't mean bless me here in my current situation surrounded by all the greatest means stepping out in faith and being obedient to move into Gods created comforts. This is what the Jager's are doing....I have a hard time thinking these next two weeks will not be some of the hardest days yet. I bundled myself into the fetal position on our shoe bench last Sunday afternoon and cried knowing it was last time all of my homies would all be together around the table in my favorite room in my house (the dining room) eating food that I prepared and laughing about things only we would find funny our home has become a is everything I ever prayed for it to be. I say all this though and I can assure you I am so not okay (I think that is important thing to say out loud), yet in the back, in the center of my mind , in the center of my heart I have a never ending peace that is so hard to explain. I know we are moving forward as God intends and that is where the peace comes from. I know after the band aid is completely torn off I will be able to move forth with strength and purpose.

I told my kids last night with complete certainty that we were making decisions for our family that were complete in what we felt God's purpose for us to be in this time, I followed it by telling them that we are each a part of the family so that it means it is the best for each of us separately as well. I am praying that they too can learn about faith through this situation and possibly God would allow me to teach them a bit in it.

But in the mean time...there will be tears, and stomach churning, and denial at times. But I pray we will find time to really be thankful for what we have had and be thankful for what is to come.

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