This post has been in the works for weeks. I haven't written my reflective birthday post for this year and I think it would be quite a shame if I didn't get all of the thoughts wrapped around my heart and mind out. So here goes.
This year has been the most confusing year I have had to date. The only year I can think of that could even hold a candle to this would actually be a two year period of time between the ages of 17 and 19 and before you say or think typical I could beg to differ. Although I haven't lived out your story so who knows. Those years between 17 and 19 I refer(in my mind) to as the hardest test of my life. I think God gives us certain experiences sometimes to help craft us into what we are to become to show us what we could have to give us a finer perspective of what he wants us to have of what he intended us to have and ultimately what is perfect for us to carry out his plan. I remember the exact weekend this all became clear and the months following it that led me to a greater understanding of what God really wanted for me. I think back to that time often and over the years it continues to evolve for me into something that I see as one of the most beautiful times in my life. A time that was about me and me alone with God and the pair of us wrestling through what would become my life.
But back to this year and how it realtes to that period of time. Its that period of time that gives me hope in years such as this past one. I know it is all going to be okay because of the faithfulness I was forced to have in the times before and how God always stands beside me. And that is what gets me through.
Every birthday I have had for the past 5 years starts the same. I get up I go to the bathroom and I stare at myself straight in the mirror and I tell myself a God given truth. God knows how you came to be. Its a reassurance its a blessing it helps me with my day. You see how I came to be is foggy and it is confusing and Satan tries to use it every year on my birthday to cloud the promises that day brings. And this year was no different. The strange loss I experienced this year and all of the mixed emotions and boggled understandings actually made it easier and worse all at the same time. But something tells me selfishly its going to be easier for me from this year forward. There was a bit of peace this year. And so much of what mattered before seems to not matter at all or maybe just not as much. And I am learning to be okay with saying that out loud and I am learning to rest in admitting the peace to myself.
The peace in losing someone is a strange feeling. Guilt tries to creep in rather quickly. So in all of this I finally said it out loud to someone last week. That someone being my grandma, because if anyone is going to tell me straight up its her. So I let it all out and she said thats good, thats okay and you shouldn't feel bad. She gets it she gets me and I love her for it. And letting out the feelings that made feel like I might be a bad person was validating. And I needed this to be able to close my year of 28 and settle into 29. The shallow part of me needed to be validated in my choices in my decisions in my following of what my understanding of Gods will for my little family and myself.
My birthday was the best birthday to date. I love the idea of turning 30....I feel more like a woman and less like a girl, strange but true. I feel like the skies look a little bluer. I feel like my understanding of whats to come is clearer. I feel like the most blessed woman in this stinkin world. I feel like my general feeling that the past -good or bad- is what makes life beautiful but we can't live there because the present is what its about:)
P.S. I love my mini van. I am so glad we bought it. I am so glad my husband talked me into it. Cheers to mini van moms around the world its the best ever.