Thursday, December 12, 2013

used to

I used to be a master of schedules.  I used to manage all of my titles with ease, flowing from one thing to the next, orchestrating them all to work together.  My phone used to ring off the hook and my email box used to be full of requests and pleas for help.  Life was full and in my opinion at that time that meant life was good.  I had created a photograph of servanthood with me at the center and I believed that to mean that I was on my way to earning my seat in heaven.  I believed that the more I gave up the more selfless I was becoming. And the whole while I was getting pats on the back and that a girls and praise for paving the way of what it should like.  

But here is the secret, for a decade I grew more empty with each year.  I grew more self reliant and self righteous with each day.  I became more dependent on self and less reliant on my Father in heaven.  And the craziest thing is I wan't doing any of it for my fame, all that i was doing could be considered as good, God willed things.  But what I was doing it for was not true, was not needed was not necessary. I was attempting to earn my own salvation. I was attempting to earn something that had already been offered to me freely and all I had to do was accept that my role in it was quite insignificant. There was no way I could possibly do anything to deserve it or earn it because it had been given freely based on the love of my father in heaven.  Based on his desire to draw me close to him, to call me his own.

Gone are the days of my 10 steps to bring me closer to God, to help me walk closer, to give me more faith.  Because all I need is the cross.  All I need is the constant reminder that my role is insignificant but in Him I have significance.  In Him I have been given all I was every trying to work for.  All I have to do is believe and daily confess of my need for Him to forgive me. 

Oh and in this there is so much freedom, so much joy, so little stress and so much contentedness. I used to search for comfort and all I needed was to be content for I had already been offered all that I would ever need.

I am not sure that many from my past decade could look at my life and see me for the same person i used to be. I used to be driven, now I am patiently waiting to be prompted.  I used to be focused and implanted in all that I had surrounded myself with, now I walk surrounded by Gods love for  me and the rest just naturally follows. Before I would look from side to side and wonder why everyone else was just standing around, now I realize that God requires a lot more waiting in me and each person is on their own path.  I used to openly share all that I was doing right, now I feel the need to openly admit that this new path is hard and I struggle with the choice to choose the truth every day. But I am happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

In the past if you asked me who I was I would feel the need to pour out a resume of all I did, of all I felt I was defined by and had worked for.  Not anymore folks because I'm broken, forgiven, humbled and loved. Most folks don't see these titles as savory, most folks would feel a bit of shame associated with their need to be forgiven, their need to be humbled or broken and afraid that they needed to feel loved every day. I used to be most folks, I felt inadequate for my need and was sure that if I just tried harder I wouldn't feel like that.  Shame does not come from the cross though, shame was taken from us when Jesus died on that cross.  I can say whole heartedly I am needy for a savior and I am happy for that.  It is the one thing in this life that has ever satisfied me.  

Walk in love friends-

1 comment:

Andrea said...

You are doing it Jess! Becoming as a little child, meek, submissive... love you girl!!