Perhaps it is only in our ultimate failures that we can truly experience the fullness of God's amazing and abundant grace. Maybe it is at times only in our anguish of our need that we can accept the offer we have been given in our redemption. The truth that we do not in fact carry the burden of our need to be holy but that it is only through the holiness of the spirit that we can be restored. After what is going on two decades of the ever failing message that I would be able to reach my full potential of redemption in Christ through my own strength and effort, I can now rejoice in the fact that I will forever and always be in need of a Savior. And in good tidings because without that truth I won't be going far, my ultimate reward lies in my ability to humbly rest in my weakness, knowing full well that my surrender is what will make the process of my unraveling less painful. But in the end not even my surrender is needed for God's will to be done in me or through me. His will will be completed through the ages no matter my level of willing participation.
This past year has been one filled with a new understanding of grace and my role in it. Truth is it's not about me. It's all about Jesus. My purpose here on earth has nothing to do with my own desires rather to allow God to shine through me humbly praying that in turn more glory would shine upon Him. I praise the name of Jesus that I don't have to wait another 15 years to feel the sweet relief of my need to save myself. Jesus paid it all for you and for me.
I spent the last 10 days loving my sister and brother in law and their sweet new baby Paige. I have been aware for some time that I have been gifted with the ability to love and care for others, willingly able to give of myself to most anyone. In the past even though I have felt grateful for the gift I find myself feeling burdened with it, tired and exhausted with my need to provide comfort.I was worried in my travel across the country to arrive on their doorstep with my own baggage and tendency to be self righteous in my giving. Knowing full well that it would be easy to slip into my old clothes, that it would be easy to mask my own pleasure and fight for self worth in the God given gift I have been given to love. I prayed heartily in advance and in route and while I was in the midst of it all. I prayed that I would be able to shed my own need to feel worthy and justified and adopt the truth I have been given in Jesus- that I am free to love and give of my self simply because Jesus has done that for me. That I can leave all of my expectations and desires in my experiences behind because I will never on my own be worthy, justified or proven. I am however and will forever be loved, thought of, remembered and cared for by God the Father. He has me in the palm of his hand.
This past ten days were plenty filled with the Spirit. I can count the number of hours I slept in my provided bed on two hands. But God spared me from sleep deprivation and my own need and desire for comfort. I caught myself consumed with God's love on more than one occasion. I set out to bless my family with the love of the father but was in turn blessed beyond anything I could have imagined on my own.
Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom. He uses even our very darkest sins to bring him glory.
-Walk in love friends