Dear Sweet Grace.....I am her Mama

My Grace turned the beautiful of age of 8 last month.  In the last year I have been able to soak in how incredibly innocent, and pure and lovely this little girl is.  I often catch myself thanking God for how little she has experienced...how naive she is able to be.  As young girls compared at this age of 8 we couldn't have had more different experiences.  Some of the  things I was exposed to by the time I was 8 are things that I hope she isn't even vaguely aware of for some time.  And so in mothering this little beauty I am always struggling with how much to tell her and how much to leave out.  I believe in telling her things and taking time to be gentle in my teaching her I am doing my best to love her completely.  A few months ago we were able to finally chat about how babies get out of their mothers.  Before that she was fully comfortable with the idea that mothers throw up their babies.  She knew deep down otherwise and would ask questions but quickly tell me she didn't actually want to know. One of my favorite things about Grace is that she knows her limits, she knows very well what she can handle, how much she wants, and is never afraid to call uncle when she's had enough.  

I must also tell you that in moving to Spokane the pair of us have been given the gift of some phenomenal girl friends in their respective age groups of course.  In fact personally I can say I have never had so many girlfriends in my life, women that I respect and love and am incredibly blessed to have share their lives with me.  Recently there have been lots of conversations of womanhood, and what that holds for our little rosebuds.  One of the lovely things about homeschooling is that you often have kids that are all different ages and grades that play together without thinking about the number that is attached to their little souls.  And so Grace has some girlfriends that are about 18 months older than her.  Her being tall makes it hard to remember that she is in fact much younger than these girls especially in the grand scheme of womanhood.  My biggest fear in all of this was that these girls would begin to learn and experience changes that Grace's body is not quite ready for.  That there would be girl talk that she found to be confusing or scary.  And as much as I would love for her to be little and sweet and love tutus and baby dolls forever I know that in a few short years we are due for some change, due for some opportunities, due for extreme growth and I find that to be a pink package full of tears and anxiety but also an opportunity for me to teach Grace how beautiful she is to be a woman, to be a daughter of God. 

And so the conversations had begun a few weeks back with my girl friends in how we were all going to approach this.  To be part of such a lovely group of women that love their girls enough to approach this with deep prayer and planning is a humbling thing.  These relationships are ones that I never saw myself having, rather relationships that others had.  To be in a group of women who love their girls already for what they are to become rather than being caught up in the mood swings and attitudes that are already budding is refreshing.  

My story of how these subjects were introduced to me is one that is better than most but still not quite what I wanted to give to Grace.  My mom was very open with me, laid it all out and then said well if you need anything let me know. I knew I could ask her anything.  That part is something I want to replicate with my Grace.  But I also want to give her more.  I want to give her self worth and self love.  I want to teach her that she is a gift that her body is a gift.  That it is never to be something she should ever feel like she has to give to another.  That is nothing she should ever be ashamed of.  That her value is much greater than her outward appearance, her boob size, or what size jeans she wears. That she is someone that God created specifically and purposefully.  

I believe that all of these subjects go hand in hand.  And I know with my Grace it all needs to be handled specifically and gently.  That we have to take it one step at a time. The first day we only got through the chapters on body odor and training bras and she told me we should stop for the day.  And thats when I knew I was handling this in the way that I should. That already she trusted she could tell me what was enough for her. 

This mothering a girl thing has been incredibly healing for me as well as one of the greatest challenges I have ever been given.  But I have found with enough prayer and enough thought put towards who this little girl is has made it worlds easier than I ever thought it would be.  It is a gift to be her mother.  It is a gift that I experienced all that I have in the last 31 years especially the miserable stuff.  The things that made me want to die in my tween years are now coming back as blessings, they are now coming back as reminders of what I want my little sweetie to be prepared for.  Its a chance to give her what I wish I would have had....that's a gift folks.  

And so when things feel scary to me as far as what I feel I am being called to give her I think of how scary it might be for her if I don't.  And so we trudge forward.  We celebrate who we are at 8 and who we are to be at 13, and who we might be able to become by 31.  I pray that God will give me the grace I need to mother my Grace.  What a blessing it is!

Luck turns over to Blessing.....Fear turns to Hope....Worry turns to Trust

I prayed last summer that God would truly and tangibly teach me to trust.  That I would look at my good fortune/ luck as gifts rather than things that I had earned or done something to deserve. That my fear was actually sinful and a direct disrespect to Gods plans for me....as if what HE has or has had for me were not goo enough.

I have received response and teaching in each of those prayers.  My faith in the last month specifically been transformed into something that is not only one that is humble but one that has made me more accepting of myself and who God has made to be.  

I have heard dozens of sermons preached over the last 15 years that challenged me to be Christ like, to DO as he would DO, to serve as HE would serve.  And all of these words have been true things in which to search for but I had spun them around in a way, that I am not sure I was striving in the right direction.  I heard a sermon preached just a few weekends ago that challenged me.  That I first I thought may be very backwards or even wrong(yep).  But after a few more sermons and some soul searching I think I have now come to the realization that I have in fact had it wrong for a very very long time.  It was the most freeing and lovely moment I  have ever had in what I believe was God's presence in my life.  I have not entered our gathering service without tears rolling down my cheeks in over a month and it has been so incredibly overwhelming for me. I have had to let go of the fact that people are probably watching me, that my children are sitting next to me, that many of these folks are new friends of mine and they don't know me well enough to know that when I am overwhelmed with emotion I cry....its beyond my control. It as if I am hearing parts of the gospel for the very fist time there is a new light to it all.

I have struggled most of my life with the overriding thought and understanding that I needed to earn all that I have, love, money, acceptance, grace, safety, comfort etc.  It is hard for me when I realize that people love me for who God has made made me to be.  When people accept for for all that I am or even worse all that I am not.  And my relationship with Christ with God has reflected much the same.  I have lived much of my time as a Christian attempting to be Christ like, to earn his love, his acceptance and his grace for me.  Thats why acts of service are so comfortable to me because than I have "earned my spot in the kingdom.  It at times has left me feeling empty, jaded, burnt out, lonely and afraid.  And I wonder how many people have struggled with this same sickness, this same sin.  

We have been hearing a sermon series taken from the book of Genesis this summer.  I have heard some of these stories that I have taught in my Sunday School class for a decade in a whole new light.  I have had light shed upon my sin that I have been justifying for just as long.  I have seen with my own eyes the parts of me that need to be let go. The parts that need to be enhanced.  And most of all I have seen that its not about being Christ-like as I have interpreted it to be.  I am so incredibly unable to be like Christ there is not a part of me that will ever be perfect or even close to it. But rather God wants me to be the Jessica that he intended me to be.  A Jessica without sin, a Jessica who realizes that his forgiveness and Grace is not about my doing, it is not something that I can ever earn or deserve, it is simply about his mercy and it is a gift.  

There are parts of my life that I have chalked up to dumb luck.  There are parts of my story that I though were to dirty, to dusty, to dark to allow myself to think that God was in fact right there with me.  That were times that he has given me blessing simply because he loves me.  That my deserving has nothing to do with the fact that I made it through those times was simply a gift.  

Blessing in my life has become a commission.  I am approaching life now with Gods blessing on and over me. Hoping and praying that others may feel Christ's love for them not because I am striving to be Christ like but simply because he lives within me and and is blessing me with the tools in which to be the Jessica that God intended me to be.  I still stink at this much of the time, but I am finding that my realization of my own sin comes much easier in this, that my ability to trust that my repentance brings true forgiveness and that I can trust that God's love is one thing that will always be with me no matter what I DO.  There is nothing I can do that will earn God's love, that will earn the Grace he so loving gives me, that I will in fact never probably never deserve it and that's okay. 

This has been so incredibly freeing to me.  At first I felt ashamed for not understanding this correctly.  For going so long having it all messed up. But as I told Brian this past Sunday on our drive home from Church, I felt that a big part of me had died and at first that was confusing and I wanted it back, I wanted the work back that made me feel so much a part of God's kingdom,  I don't want that anymore, I have felt like I have been broken and I was striving to be put together but I don't want that anymore either.  I just want to live with Gods blessing over me, in this new way.  It may be a number of Sunday's more before I can enter church without being overwhelmed with emotion but if that means living outside of the light I now see, I don't want it any different.

I challenge you to think of  A blessing as a commission rather than always an act, or as our sermon stated this past Sunday a really yummy hamburger.  

This song has been running over and over in my head for two weeks now.  It is one we sing in our services very often.  The words are so true for my own life.  The fear I have lived with so long and I am now rid of.

Brokenness Aside

All Sons and Daughters

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
'Cause all I know
Is how to run
[ Lyrics from: http://www.cloverlyrics.com/e86382-all_sons_and_daughters~brokenness_aside_lyrics.html ]
'Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing it's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will You call me child
When I tell you lies
'Cause all I know
Is how to cry

'Cause I am a sinner
If it's not one thing it's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful