A boost

My prayers have been much wrapped in my parenting, in my mothering, in my friends mothering. I have been searching for a definition, a purpose, an idea.....basically I have been just pleading for God to throw me a bone, but more on that later.  I suppose I am always contemplating these ideas, the feeling of bewilderment is not a new one.  Perhaps though this tween stage is really throwing me for a loop.  Gone are the days of the naughty step, replaced by days of back talk and really "bright" ideas.  There are quite a number of days that I feel incredibly exhausted when my head hits the pillow, nights where my prayers are also filled with tears, the good news in this is that I am also experiencing a love that is the closest form of how our Father in heaven must love us.

This prayer of, God, how can I most glorify you in my mothering has been constant for some time but concentrated much more heavily in the last month.  The truth is I stink a stench of rottenness at this most of the time, but in contemplating it I have found myself reminding my children -and then reminding myself inadvertently- of their need for grace, of their ability to obtain it, of the fact that they have been chosen for redemption much more often and much more freely.  It has been humbling to feel the work of the spirit, and reassuring to know that i am not alone in this role, in these days where I feel as I have lost all control I too have been promised goodness, God is ultimately for me too in all things.  He is much  the opposite of what I can muster most days, he doesn't sit pleading for me to get my poop in a group, or yell or shout at me when I get it wrong.  He is a God of mercy and love.  A Father with opened arms not closed fists.  Those reminders alone are a good representation of my need for the spirit to lead me in this journey.

This past week with the remembrance of Jesus and his ultimate sacrifice for me was a pivotal moment in all of this.  The kids and I traveled across the state to visit family for the past week.  We traveled over Palm Sunday and Good Friday.  On the way west I found myself retelling the story of Palm Sunday in my head.  I have taught that lesson in Sunday school a countless number of times. Bu this time as I replayed the series of events all I could think of was Jesus, the sight of Jesus.  And as I fixated on that I begin to picture our whole little family standing on the roadside that day as Jesus was parading through on a donkey and I began to let myself imagine what that would be like.  Being amongst the crowd, striving for a peek at this reported Son of God.  Laying out our jackets on the ground for the said donkey to walk upon.  And I began to think about wanting my children to be able to see him too, just to catch a glimpse of his face, and I pictured myself allowing them to climb upon my shoulders, i pictured myself giving them a boost just so they could see.  And then it occurred to me that the Holy Spirit had given me my answer in a vision.

My ultimate purpose as a mother is to be a dwelling place for the spirit so I can give my kids a boost to see Jesus.  And that purpose seems very fitting to me, as well as humbling and exciting and quite lovely.  And I know it has very little to do with my own ability, that in order to succeed I ultimately need to die to myself in order to let God shine.  I also have the opportunity and freedom to share with my children in my failings, to teach them first hand of our need for grace and all the while revealing my own fault.  Its okay to not always do it right the first time, we were in fact created with Jesus in mind, God knew our need and had a plan in mind to welcome us out of our filth.  The offer is as good for me as it is for my children and for each of you.  

Your Love Remains 

the brilliance

Through the darkness
Through the fire
Through my wicked heart’s desire
Your love remains, Your love remains
Though I stumble
Though I falter
Through my weakness You are strong
Your love remains, Your love remains

Oh my, my soul, it cries
Oh my, my soul, it cries out
Soul, it cries out
Soul, it cries, it cries out

Through my failure
Through my heartache
Through my healing
In my pain Your love remains, Your love remains
Though I stumble
Though I falter
Through my weakness You are strong
Your love remains, Your love remains