And so it's been a bit.
I have said it before but I have a hard time writing when I am amongst struggle. Not because I don't want to share but more because I find writing those struggles down can be overwhelming at times. Being quiet and still have been learned behaviors in the last years and I suppose silence in writing just comes a long with it.
But with all that has happened around here in the last months I believe a lot would be lost without a bit of a rehash and explanation and hopefully in the end an arrow as bright as you have ever seen that points you straight to Jesus. Because with out the final mentioned it would seem that what has transpired was a huge waste.
About six months ago Brian was presented with many new options professionally. All of which would bring a move upon us. And we are not talking just across the state this time but across the country. This was difficult for us to contemplate and weigh. We prayed so much for clear wisdom, leading and provision. Really trying to leave it at the foot of the cross. It's so easy to let your brain get the best of you in these situations, especially when you have been through the situation before. Last time we sort of went through this alone. Really keeping it to ourselves in an attempt to not disturb the peace in our lives or in others. But this time we really felt called to live this out within our community, openly confessing our struggle, and allowing others to gain perspective through our experience.
In the beginning I was quite fearful. It was a lot to think about and contemplate. But my heart
changed overtime. I was given vision and hope in heaven, reminders of where our true home is,
grace for others and new locations, but maybe mostly reminders of gods grace for us thus far. It is not been so long since we made the move to Spokane that I have forgotten what he had done for us here and the remembrance of that gave me peace to know that wherever we ended up Gods presence would also be, that he would prepare a place for us. Just as we believe there are no bad people we also believe there are no bad places, god created it all and so as much as others placed there own fears for us into my view I felt at ultimate peace about where we would end up and that is when some miraculous things started to happen.
Two years ago I started praying for trust and patience. I began to realize that I was lacking in these abilities and that the lacking was creating craziness and unrest and scrambling. Scrambling to surround myself with stability and hope, neither of which we're coming from a well of the gospel but more from my own capabilities. My own ability to get my poop in a group and push forward. Instead of a humble realization of my shortcomings followed and repaired by more Jesus, more admission and confession of need for less of my own thoughts. what I thought I wanted was a step my step process to make me better. What I got was a stripping, a wrecking and a rerouting making me completely unable toa be capable on my own and instead allowing me to realize that all I have is really not mine it belongs as I myself do to a heavenly creator who knows me completely and not only loves me anyways but because of it.
And with all that being said when we were presented with the option to move it gave me a perfect opportunity to prove what I had learned....hahaha...it seems I had still not learned a thing in light of it to all. God was showing me that I had nothing to prove, he knew my heart and my longing and instead of me becoming more capable I became more dependent upon him for peace that comes without the need for understanding. And once that was realized I declared to Brian that I was no longer going to live with the thought that we may be leaving something, I wasn't going to live afraid of what may happen to my heart through all of this but I was in fact (excuse my language, I was in fact raised by fisherman) going to suck the marrow out of this shit. That I was going to live fully, allowing pain and suffering but even more so joy and love and healing to come through this and I would sit back and relax and watch it happen. If you know me even a little you would know that that thought alone is nothing short of supernatural, I am not a truster , i am in fact a control freak because I feel if I don't know what is happening next I won't be prepared and if something bad happens it will be my fault for not seeing it coming. But what I banked on and what I claimed was eternal hope which is in no place rooted in me but in what has already been done.
And so we moved forward. Brian had 9 interviews, each one more grueling, I watched him fear, I watched him hope, I watched him struggle with earthly stability and that which is promised to us in heaven. We were faced with questions that we couldn't answer, why would you leave this, what do you actually need, what are you searching for, what is this actually about? To be honest we are still praying over many of these questions. But in the end we were given option to compromise, to claim something that wasn't true to go somewhere that we would have had to trade Jesus for and it didn't fit. And so as our pastor said in the beginning you may choose not to do this and it might not make any sense. We blew that statement off in the beginning thinking that our options would be obvious, and as much as they were they also weren't. I have learned that even when you feel at peace in circumstance you can still be swayed by others misunderstanding. And that is where the struggle has been. Thankfully we do not need to prove, or explain or be justified, that has all been done. In the end this position was between two, Brian and another, we could have taken it. My husband could have led us into "financial abundance," "professional security," instead he followed what didn't make sense and I believe it still goes against what makes sense to him. But I have never felt so loved and cared for in my marriage as I did that day. It had nothing to do with moving to a different state, leaving my friends and family or being uprooted. It had everything to do with where we are and what God is doing in and around us.
You would have thought the story was over there. That we would just go on living in our house on the hill. Surrounded my glass and views that stretched for miles but when I let go when I started sucking the marrow out I prayed that we would feel able to put down roots free to live out side of what makes sense. Free to plug in knowing that nothing earthly is forever and who even knows what that means. And so once again God has provided and I am not the least bit surprised. We have move forward in faith and we are in the process of buying a house here in Spokane.
To be continued....
changed overtime. I was given vision and hope in heaven, reminders of where our true home is,
grace for others and new locations, but maybe mostly reminders of gods grace for us thus far. It is not been so long since we made the move to Spokane that I have forgotten what he had done for us here and the remembrance of that gave me peace to know that wherever we ended up Gods presence would also be, that he would prepare a place for us. Just as we believe there are no bad people we also believe there are no bad places, god created it all and so as much as others placed there own fears for us into my view I felt at ultimate peace about where we would end up and that is when some miraculous things started to happen.
Two years ago I started praying for trust and patience. I began to realize that I was lacking in these abilities and that the lacking was creating craziness and unrest and scrambling. Scrambling to surround myself with stability and hope, neither of which we're coming from a well of the gospel but more from my own capabilities. My own ability to get my poop in a group and push forward. Instead of a humble realization of my shortcomings followed and repaired by more Jesus, more admission and confession of need for less of my own thoughts. what I thought I wanted was a step my step process to make me better. What I got was a stripping, a wrecking and a rerouting making me completely unable toa be capable on my own and instead allowing me to realize that all I have is really not mine it belongs as I myself do to a heavenly creator who knows me completely and not only loves me anyways but because of it.
And with all that being said when we were presented with the option to move it gave me a perfect opportunity to prove what I had learned....hahaha...it seems I had still not learned a thing in light of it to all. God was showing me that I had nothing to prove, he knew my heart and my longing and instead of me becoming more capable I became more dependent upon him for peace that comes without the need for understanding. And once that was realized I declared to Brian that I was no longer going to live with the thought that we may be leaving something, I wasn't going to live afraid of what may happen to my heart through all of this but I was in fact (excuse my language, I was in fact raised by fisherman) going to suck the marrow out of this shit. That I was going to live fully, allowing pain and suffering but even more so joy and love and healing to come through this and I would sit back and relax and watch it happen. If you know me even a little you would know that that thought alone is nothing short of supernatural, I am not a truster , i am in fact a control freak because I feel if I don't know what is happening next I won't be prepared and if something bad happens it will be my fault for not seeing it coming. But what I banked on and what I claimed was eternal hope which is in no place rooted in me but in what has already been done.
And so we moved forward. Brian had 9 interviews, each one more grueling, I watched him fear, I watched him hope, I watched him struggle with earthly stability and that which is promised to us in heaven. We were faced with questions that we couldn't answer, why would you leave this, what do you actually need, what are you searching for, what is this actually about? To be honest we are still praying over many of these questions. But in the end we were given option to compromise, to claim something that wasn't true to go somewhere that we would have had to trade Jesus for and it didn't fit. And so as our pastor said in the beginning you may choose not to do this and it might not make any sense. We blew that statement off in the beginning thinking that our options would be obvious, and as much as they were they also weren't. I have learned that even when you feel at peace in circumstance you can still be swayed by others misunderstanding. And that is where the struggle has been. Thankfully we do not need to prove, or explain or be justified, that has all been done. In the end this position was between two, Brian and another, we could have taken it. My husband could have led us into "financial abundance," "professional security," instead he followed what didn't make sense and I believe it still goes against what makes sense to him. But I have never felt so loved and cared for in my marriage as I did that day. It had nothing to do with moving to a different state, leaving my friends and family or being uprooted. It had everything to do with where we are and what God is doing in and around us.
You would have thought the story was over there. That we would just go on living in our house on the hill. Surrounded my glass and views that stretched for miles but when I let go when I started sucking the marrow out I prayed that we would feel able to put down roots free to live out side of what makes sense. Free to plug in knowing that nothing earthly is forever and who even knows what that means. And so once again God has provided and I am not the least bit surprised. We have move forward in faith and we are in the process of buying a house here in Spokane.
To be continued....
