Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sometimes you just have to trust...

I am going to write about something that is personal. Something that you can not understand unless you have been through it yourself. And the only reason I must write about it is to remember how God is pulling me through. I pray so desperately that at some point I will be able to praise Him for it. Lately I have been reminding myself that God knew the day we would be born and he knows the day he will take us home and nothing can change that because he is in ultimate control.

I have been watching someone i love deal with an eating disorder. Most people understand this in a very stereotypical way. They automatically assume it is because of vanity or an unrealistic view of their body, however this is really not true in most eating disorder cases. It is control and entitlement that roots itself in someones soul and literally strangles it until there is nothing to hold onto. From the outside looking in it is excruciating to watch especially if you love the person. To watch someone that you root your identity with disappear and turn into something that you can't even begin to recognize is truly one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. To worry day in and day out that this may be the day you have to say good-bye is unsettling. To watch them have major organs removed because they are being eaten alive is unfathomable. To listen to a conversation about nutrition in order for the said person to even be able to heal from surgery is horrible when you know they won't do it. To watch people judge, hear people criticize and listen to people make the situation into something that makes them more comfortable is maddening. To see others look at her with pity and sorrow makes me angry because I want to see hope in their eyes. To not have any way to make it better or fix it and be forced to watch the train wreck is at sometimes abusive. To have all this in the back of my head but most of time at the forefront is exhausting.

So this time, in this circumstance, I just have to trust because it is the only thing that brings me even the tiniest bit of peace. Because everything else is just constant chaos. My God is in control and He loves this person more than I do and He loves me too.

And to this person....you are so much more than just a person. I hope someday you will be with me looking back on this Hell and praising God for pulling us through. I love you!

1 comment:

Jeff and Andrea Ashmore Family said...

Jessica,
This said person is glad to have you in their life. You are a huge source of strength and faith.
Take care
Andrea