Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Where I have been and where I am going to be...

I haven't been blogging much....this I know. I guess I just lost some of my gusto over the last couple of weeks. My mind is full, my plate is full, my house is full, my heart is HEAVY. I have had many decisions to make and I can tell you honestly I haven't wanted to make them because of one very big thing. This past few months have been full of blessings and honestly I have not forgotten where those blessings come from for one moment. I know in my heart that Gods name is signed on the top and bottom of each page in my life and I never forget to be thankful for that but I have forgotten that there is more to my walk then thankfulness. However I have allowed myself to became consumed with the blessings of life instead of being consumed by the blesser of it.

I am on a 5 day stretch of a somewhat "vacation." Not a planned vacation but a much needed lull in the food industry. Don't worry it will all pick up again on Friday and stay for some time after that. The vacation however has been nice. Monday was nothing less than a picture of what heaven is in my daily life. I had the whole day to love my kids, indulge them in playdates, clean my house, bake, cook a beautiful dinner, not only wash some laundry but fold it as well (huge), relax and reflect on what this life is. I can not in full detail explain the decisions I have on my plate right now but I will tell you in a recent conversation with my husband I confided in him in saying I can not possibly make this decision until God speaks to me about it. You see I have been talking with God about this situation for the last 4 months, and I have not heard his voice once. Not even once. And I have been perplexed because I can assure you it is not because He did not give me the opportunity in the first place. This has made me realize there is some distance between Him and I and it has been a painful distance for me because I have been truly convinced that something I have done has made me unworthy of the sound of His voice. Now before I get 20 emails telling me otherwise, I know better, I truly do.

So back to Monday.....I had this day of "rest." I reveled in it, I basked in it, I enjoyed every moment of it, it was the best day I have had in awhile and I thanked God continuously for it all day long. But when I went to bed that night all I could think about was this distance. And I started talking to God, I starting pleading to Him to speak to me and telling Him I was just waiting for Him to "lead me" and then for the first time in long while I felt His presence and almost immediately I realized he was waiting for me to be consumed with Him. To need Him, to give him my time wholeheartedly, to really plead for Him. The strange thing is I never felt as if He left me because He didn't. I think He was just waiting for me to miss His companionship, His Voice. Oh and how I cried when the reality hit me that it was me in the way of Him.

This morning I sat down with my Bible for 2 hours. I must ashamedly say it has been months since I have given myself the time to sit down with my Bible. Months since I have given Him a chance to speak to me. And I reveled in it, basked in it, and enjoyed every moment of it, it was the best morning I have had in a long while. And as I sat in the sunshinyness of my dining room feeling the warmth of His sun on my back I remembered so vividly what His voice sounds like and I never want to be without it again.

So now you know where I have been and where I am going to be....with Him!


Julie said...

Your honesty is convicting. I LOVE that you realized he was waiting for you to be consumed with Him. That is so what God is working on with me in so many ways - through GEMS, through Bible Study, etc. I fail every day, it seems, but still, knowing that He's still there, waiting for me again, well, you know. :) Our humanness always gets in the way of our companionship with the Lord, and yet He's there when we remember to seek Him. Prayers for you, my friend.

3 little and 2 big liks said...

thank you for your honesty! bless you dear girl!