Hiding and being known

I feel as if  I refer to the past year in a half a lot.  I catch myself starting endless conversations this way.  I suppose it is because my family and I are still on this journey that really only started in the past year and half.  The other part of it comes from a much deeper, darker space within me.  It could be that I never want to be where I was or who I was prior to this.  I suppose I had led myself to believe that I was okay with it all, that the past was the past and now is just now and the future is nothing we can even measure here on earth.  I do believe all of this whole heartedly except for the past part.  I didn't know until about a month ago that  I was quite ashamed of the past.  As it turns out I wasn't truly accepting my redemption yet.  In fact I believe that I didn't even want to be seen anywhere near that light.

One of the best parts about moving to a new town 6 hours away from the place you thought you would always call home is that no one knows you or your crap ( or what they think they know about you and your crap).  This alone is a fairly fabulous freedom that I had never known.  However anonymous existence only lasts for so long and it isn't really what I believe God intends for our lives.  God used this time to not only free me but to break me and it was effective.  The problem is that this freedom still lingers, that freedom unleashed an unbridled existence within me and for the first time in my life I began to live out my life for an audience of one, that one being my heavenly father.  

Recently I heard others perceptions of me in rather public forum. I wanted to run so fast from those words, they were embarrassing and very much not true, and perhaps the worst part was that although they didn't describe me now they weren't far off from where I used to be.  From who I used to be.  And maybe in the past these feelings would have made me feel a step up in the world.  Now they made me want to hide.  I had forgotten who i was living for and quickly allowed myself to believe that these other persons feeling should be become part of my own.  Instead of adopting my true identity.  

My fault beyond the shame and hiding was that as soon as these emotions came across my heart I began to question God for what he wanted.  I immediately started to pray and ask God what more he needed to strip, what more he needed to take.  What more can I give?  At the same time take it all.  

But the most surprising emotion was the embarrassment. I can't even pick a time in my life where I have been embarrassed.  I am what you would call an open book.  I am quick to point out my ridiculousness.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I really believe that my life and my experiences are not mine to hold but rather are meant to be shared, they don't belong to me.  So the fact that I felt so embarrassed was not only shameful but foreign. Our Sunday gathering was the absolute worst.  I felt as if I couldn't even lift my head.  Making eye contact or engaging myself in conversation was impossible because I was full on invested in not being seen.  I had confused the message I had been sent in my interaction to mean that I needed to be invisible.  If no one saw me they couldn't have opinions and if I disappeared I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.  P.S. it didn't work.  

I spent a week in Vegas with Brian 2 weeks ago.  I had planned to write and to read God's word the entire time I was there.  I knew I wanted to allow God to use that time to fill and change my heart. However, every time I opened my bible it was if I was in the middle of a giant auditorium filled with screaming people. And I allowed that to mean that God was letting me sit in my squalor for a bit.  Allowing me to experience my sin.  Allowing me to feel what I had claimed.  If I wanted to be the own lifter of my very head I could try it.  I don't believe God ever gives us what we truly deserve but I do believe he allows to walk in our sin on occasion to ultimately show us the ways of our own hearts.  And the way of my heart was that I was allowing other peoples view points of me to dictate how I felt about myself but ultimately dictate how I thought God felt about me.  I was willing to give the whole year and half up for someone else's perceptions.  

I don't see the message any different now except that I now realize it has nothing to do with me.  I mean this in the opposite vein of pride.  What God wanted me to give was all of me. I believe now that what I was to learn was that God could care for me in all circumstances that his love was enough to lift my head when I felt as if I couldn't.  That I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Who I was and who I am are all part of his plan.  I am no longer seen in my own light but in the light of Jesus.  Thats the identity I adopt.  

I know this seems like quite the babble and it may not make much sense.  You won't catch me apologizing.  My hope is that within the babble you would find something that reminds you of the very redemption you yourself have been offered.

We have two options we can walk around attempting to hide from the very God that knows us better than we know ourselves or we walk in love, in the truth of being known for who God intends us to be as if we already are.  The latter is much lighter.  The latter is eternal.  

Walk In Love Friends-

confession

I found myself praising God for my ability to live uncovered because of what Jesus has done for me this weekend.  Over the last months i have become quite comfortable with confession.  But in years past I had come to hate it.   I mean who wants to own up about how incredibly horrible they really are on the inside and hey if we are going to be completely honest,  how horrible we are on the outside as well.

Confessing used to signify weakness to me, which would signify my need for something. Honestly needing anything or anyone had become something that was quite horrifying and scary to me.  Need would lead me to a place where I needed to have faith and trust, these were things that over the years I had been shown that I couldn't have in people. This belief put me a pretty uncomfortable place with my faith in Christ though.  My lack of trust in others translated into a lack of trust in God.  And since I had believed that lie, and because I did in fact still need a savior, believe it or not, I attempted to become my own. Welcome a whole truck load of self righteousness to the scene.  

Now when you attempt to be your own savior a lot of things start to happen.  You become hard, unforgiving of yourself and others, quick to think you are the only one who can fix things, quick to believe that others will be lost without you, judgmental, close minded, legalistic, quick to point out others faults, constantly reminding others of your worth, working to earn and to prove and all of this leads to burn-out, exhaustion and eventual self destruction.  This happened to me.  And you know none of the work I had set out to do brought me any closer to heaven.  In fact I was pretty sure I might just not end up there.  Grace was non-existent to me and really love was too.  

I heard the gospel again this past year.  In fact I hear it every single Sunday.  And not only do I hear it on Sundays, I hear it all week.  Many of my friends are very comfortable hearing my confession and not only are they comfortable hearing it but sometimes they pull it out of me.  This used to signify a time of lashing and pointing out my faults.  Although now we do talk through my faults, the time we spend confessing our sins are wrapped in the message of what God has given us in His son.  The truth of what took place when Jesus died on the cross, and how little it has to do with us and our actions.  And the overwhelming message that I am free to love others and myself because I am forgiven, and loved.  

When we do this.  When we take the time to allow God to remove our sin we are immediately freed from the emotions that come with it. We are free from shame, hatred and the general need to hide. This leaves much more room for love, peace, hope, humbleness and the ability to move forward towards the cross. We are immediately freed from the need to make our stories about us and are more compelled to give the glory to God. 

I find I am in need of a constant bathing of the gospel.  When I distance myself I find that it is easy to stray from what I truly believe and easier to absorb old lies.  The more time I spend focusing on the truth the more I find that it is impossible for me to stifle it.  Confession is an integral piece.  

With the love of Christ we have got nothing to lose friends except our need for self.  

Praise Jesus for the ability to live uncovered.

Walk in love friends-

Timothy Keller: "The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as 'I'm in this room with these people, does that makes me look good? Do i want to be here?' True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self forgetfulness." (The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness)

Sanctified

Perhaps it is only in our ultimate failures that we can truly experience the fullness of God's amazing and abundant grace.  Maybe it is at times only in our anguish of our need that we can accept the offer we have been given in our redemption.  The truth that we do not in fact carry the burden of our need to be holy but that it is only through the holiness of the spirit that we can be restored.  After what is going on two decades of the ever failing message that I would be able to reach my full potential of redemption in Christ through my own strength and effort, I can now rejoice in the fact that I will forever and always be in need of a Savior.  And in good tidings because without that truth I won't be going far, my ultimate reward lies in my ability to humbly rest in my weakness, knowing full well that my surrender is what will make the process of my unraveling less painful.  But in the end not even my surrender is needed for God's will to be done in me or through me.  His will will be completed through the ages no matter my level of willing participation.

This past year has been one filled with a new understanding of grace and my role in it.  Truth is it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.  My purpose here on earth has nothing to do with my own desires rather to allow God to shine through me humbly praying that in turn more glory would shine upon Him.  I praise the name of Jesus that I don't have to wait another 15  years to feel the sweet relief of my need to save myself.  Jesus paid it all for you and for me.

I spent the last 10 days loving my sister and brother in law and their sweet new baby Paige.  I have been aware for some time that I have been gifted with the ability to love and care for others, willingly able to give of myself to most anyone.  In the past even though I have felt grateful for the gift I find myself feeling burdened with it, tired and exhausted with my need to provide comfort.I was worried in my travel across the country to arrive on their doorstep with my own baggage and tendency to be self righteous in my giving.  Knowing full well that it would be easy to slip into my old clothes, that it would be easy to mask my own pleasure and fight for self worth in the God given gift I have been given to love.  I prayed heartily in advance and in route and while I was in the midst of it all.  I prayed that I would be able to shed my own need to feel worthy and justified and adopt the truth I have been given in Jesus- that I am free to love and give of my self simply because Jesus has done that for me. That I can leave all of my expectations and desires in my experiences behind because I will never on my own be worthy, justified or proven.  I am however and will forever be loved, thought of, remembered and cared for by God the Father.  He has me in the palm of his hand.

This past ten days were plenty filled with the Spirit.  I can count the number of hours I slept in my provided bed on two hands.  But God spared me from sleep deprivation and my own need and desire for comfort.  I caught myself consumed with God's love on more than one occasion.  I set out to bless my family with the love of the father but was in turn blessed beyond anything I could have imagined on my own.

Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom.  He uses even our very darkest sins to bring him glory.

-Walk in love friends

used to

I used to be a master of schedules.  I used to manage all of my titles with ease, flowing from one thing to the next, orchestrating them all to work together.  My phone used to ring off the hook and my email box used to be full of requests and pleas for help.  Life was full and in my opinion at that time that meant life was good.  I had created a photograph of servanthood with me at the center and I believed that to mean that I was on my way to earning my seat in heaven.  I believed that the more I gave up the more selfless I was becoming. And the whole while I was getting pats on the back and that a girls and praise for paving the way of what it should like.  

But here is the secret, for a decade I grew more empty with each year.  I grew more self reliant and self righteous with each day.  I became more dependent on self and less reliant on my Father in heaven.  And the craziest thing is I wan't doing any of it for my fame, all that i was doing could be considered as good, God willed things.  But what I was doing it for was not true, was not needed was not necessary. I was attempting to earn my own salvation. I was attempting to earn something that had already been offered to me freely and all I had to do was accept that my role in it was quite insignificant. There was no way I could possibly do anything to deserve it or earn it because it had been given freely based on the love of my father in heaven.  Based on his desire to draw me close to him, to call me his own.

Gone are the days of my 10 steps to bring me closer to God, to help me walk closer, to give me more faith.  Because all I need is the cross.  All I need is the constant reminder that my role is insignificant but in Him I have significance.  In Him I have been given all I was every trying to work for.  All I have to do is believe and daily confess of my need for Him to forgive me. 

Oh and in this there is so much freedom, so much joy, so little stress and so much contentedness. I used to search for comfort and all I needed was to be content for I had already been offered all that I would ever need.

I am not sure that many from my past decade could look at my life and see me for the same person i used to be. I used to be driven, now I am patiently waiting to be prompted.  I used to be focused and implanted in all that I had surrounded myself with, now I walk surrounded by Gods love for  me and the rest just naturally follows. Before I would look from side to side and wonder why everyone else was just standing around, now I realize that God requires a lot more waiting in me and each person is on their own path.  I used to openly share all that I was doing right, now I feel the need to openly admit that this new path is hard and I struggle with the choice to choose the truth every day. But I am happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

In the past if you asked me who I was I would feel the need to pour out a resume of all I did, of all I felt I was defined by and had worked for.  Not anymore folks because I'm broken, forgiven, humbled and loved. Most folks don't see these titles as savory, most folks would feel a bit of shame associated with their need to be forgiven, their need to be humbled or broken and afraid that they needed to feel loved every day. I used to be most folks, I felt inadequate for my need and was sure that if I just tried harder I wouldn't feel like that.  Shame does not come from the cross though, shame was taken from us when Jesus died on that cross.  I can say whole heartedly I am needy for a savior and I am happy for that.  It is the one thing in this life that has ever satisfied me.  

Walk in love friends-

Labels

today was a day.

today was a good day.? no let me rephrase that...today was a day that was bound to happen.

Elliot had a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for this afternoon.  he has had a standing appointment scheduled for every three months for the last 5 years.  every three months he must have a med check done to be prescribed medication that helps him concentrate.  Elliot has ADHD.  it has been something we have known for some time but Elliot hasn't. today though he heard those letters attached to him and since he has heard them before attached to others with negative connotation he lost it.  quietly and controlled he lost it right there in the dr.'s office. everything I had fought against and protected him from and built up was lost for a fraction of a moment.  his eyes said it all red rimmed and brimming with tears.  his eyes said what his mouth would say and question later....you lied to me.  

in this moment my heart broke and I felt lost and alone and broken. i was most likely feeling the same as he was.  

the reason we didn't ever tell Elliot about his ADHD is because to us it is just a label.  a label that over the last 20 years has become a dirty word in some circles. a label that publicly has no positive attached to it. 

i have had mothers make rude comments, try to give me advice on parenting to "fix" it, encourage me to discipline more frequently or maybe just harder...I mean honestly if I could just get my crap together maybe my kid wouldn't struggle with this.  and then there is always the flip side, maybe lay off the sugar, don't feed them gmos, only choose organic, less tv, more books...yadda yadda yadda.  i mean french kids don't "get" ADHD. seriously i have heard it all and the sad thing is  so have our kids. it seems to me that as soon as we fail to understand something we have to quick come up with a solution, or an answer, or an opinion, when at times it may be beneficial to just realize you may never get it. sometimes we just need to leave things be and pray, maybe most of the time we should do this.

now don't get me wrong elliot knows there is reason for the pill he takes every morning not only that he is well aware of the reason.  he is aware of his struggle to concentrate to focus and he knows his medication helps him do this.  he also knows that it takes effort on his part as well to reign in his impulses and he knows he can ask God to help him through the whole lot of it.  so the only piece he was missing was the label.  and the ironic part is he was fine with all of the last described.  he didn't feel the least bit bad about those things about himself.  it was the label that broke him.

and so this was the choice we made this time-to withhold the label-it was the way we felt led to parent in this circumstance and i think it was right. but i know all the more today that being a mom, being a parent in general is a job that requires much grace, much prayer, much trust in our father in heaven.  I am constantly looking for the spirit to guide.  the twisted thing is our kids are looking for the very same from us and we have the divine privilege to point them to the cross.  I can't say I have always been really great at this...sometimes it seems easier to coddle and soothe with hugs and pats on the backs.  but the older my kids get the more i see their need for a savior and it could be because I see more of a need in myself as well.

today though was bound to happen and  i got to give it to him straight.  today with tears streaming down my cheeks i got to deliver the truth about my son to him.  i got to tell him that the reason his dad and i didn't want him tied up in a label given by a dr. was because we wanted him to be wrapped up in the labels that he has been given from God...forgiven, loved, accepted, chosen, wanted, adopted, delighted in, desired, sought after and much more.  today i told him those were his heavenly labels the ones that mattered the most. the ones that would always be there.  

my son elliot has adhd.  and as we told him i wouldn't change that about him.  i love him just as i try to love the rest of you, for who God has made you to be as if you already were.

walk in love friends.

Eyes Wide Open.

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma of God.

Ephesian 5: 1-2

We Jagers....Us 4 Jagers + Grandma.....have been living in Spokane for a year.  And what a year it has been.  This has easily been the most difficult year of my life and not only on a personal level, but it has been a year of destruction and rebuilding in each and every corner of my life, in each and every relationship that I hold dear, in each and every piece of my faith and what I have known to be true.  It has been a year where I feel as if God came in the form of wrecking ball and then when we were brought to the point of having nothing left, nothing more to hold on to and almost nothing more to turn back to or remember he wrapped us in the love of the Gospel.  And it has been raw friends, it has been real and transforming and at times humbling to the point of tears. Everything I felt I had been doing right was so vividly called to the table, laid out and chopped into tiny pieces.  Each piece has been dissected.  My motives have been questioned, my abilities have been ruined and what is left is the ability to walk in love knowing that despite all of the destruction, despite all of the misgivings and the confusion, I am loved.  And not only am I loved, but I am known, and accepted, and adopted, and chosen.  That is the gospel.  

For my whole life I have been striving to get it together.  Striving to get my crap together. Striving to make God proud of me.  Striving to prove myself worthy and of value to the kingdom. I have done all of the right things for the wrong reasons and for the last 15 years my knowledge, my teachings, and my direction have failed me time and time again because the truth is in Jesus there is nothing we can possibly do to be any more worthy than we already are.  He died for us while we were still in sin. 

The verse above has become a pillar of truth for me, it not only comforts me but strengthens me. Not only affirms me but challenges me and it is a picture of who I  know myself to be now.   I am loved and if I walk in that there is nothing more I need.  If I am walking in love it is easier for me to deliver what I have been given to others, not needing anything in return because of what I have been given because of the place I've been given.  And I am telling you it is not easy, in fact it can be terrifying.  But I find the more I wash my self in the gospel the more I am able to confess my need and the more I can love not only myself but others.  There are no more should's or ought to's instead there is an ultimate desire to bless people because I myself am blessed.

Going into the previous year I felt the Spirit prompting us to follow God's lead in our move.  I felt prompted to be bold and to be brave and I thought the blessings would overflow immediately, that it would be overwhelming affirmed with a giant pat on the back, such as way to go.  That is so not how it went.  From the week before we moved to Spokane there have been speed bumps and at some times brick walls.  Realization of the fact that we so did not get or understand what God was doing or where he as leading us was evident.  We needed to trust, we needed to wait, we needed to be willing to be broken  and in some ways that is exactly where we are still at.

Our marriage has been rocked, we no longer have the time or the ability to connect one on one away from cherubs as we once did, Brian's job has a whole new set of demands and expectations and although I hate to make it sound like I am saying he is a really big deal it is more that he has been given much to be responsible for.  We are full on into homeschooling our children and that has been taxing on me as I have been thrown into a full on identity crisis on more than one occasion as I struggle to prove my worth and how could just teaching my children be enough ( I say this sarcastically).  We have an extra family member now who requires consideration and sacrifice and love.  There have been months in the last year that we have been apart physically more than together and that is just not something that we are used to or even knew how to begin to deal with. And all I knew sometimes was that I loved Brian Jager more than anything in this world enough to live through the hell that we had come to think we had robed ourselves in. And pretty much anything that we were rooted in before was shook because we were missing a piece of our faith that we had been taught early on.  We were doing it all without Jesus.  God sure but Jesus not so much.  Which means we were living in self reliance, and self righteousness and our expectations for each other were enough to make anyone run screaming for the hills.  And after a bit it nearly did. 

Our kids were rocked because I was rushing around to fix everything for them. For surely killing myself internally every night because their hurt was eating me alive.  Allowing myself to believe that I had single handedly ruined their existence that I had made a choice that was affecting them to the core negatively and surely they weren't going to get better. I would lie in bed at night praying that God would show me how to fix it.  I quickly took on the responsibility for our move rather than living in the truth of why we moved in the first place...we felt led.  No it was my screw up.  

I can tell you now it looks different.  Before I was a cracked pot that had not only become shattered over time but I was missing the piece that would put it all back together. I was brought to a point that i couldn't hold water or even be turned on the shelf to hide the the piece that I was missing.  And I allowed that to role over into my family.  And instead of submitting to anything I was quickly trying to gather the pieces and arrange them in a way that from the outside looked aesthetically pleasing.  I was a master controller.

I can tell you now though it still looks broken, oh yes you can see the glue and the tape that has been used to put me back together but I feel more complete now than I ever have.  My cracks are now something I feel loved for, they are cracks that I can show others to prove the promises I have been given, the truth that is mine to hold onto.  I can now speak and share that truth with my family as well.  My children know that I am not going to fix it.  I now tell them that I'm not going to fix their problems and then I  feed them the gospel.  I tell them that they are in fact not alone, that they are in fact constantly surrounded by God and the sacrifice of His son at all times.  And Elliot will now tell me ugh I know mom.....I love that, that is magic to me, that is music to my ears.  I can love my husband completely no matter what our week looks like, I know that I am not alone and it is no longer his job to let me know that.  I can now approach my day knowing that God will place exactly what I need in front of me each day, the only part that is up to me is how I treat it.  I am adopted by God the Father and accepted completely for who I am in each day.  I can fail miserably and it is recognized and challenged but not condemned.  

So I challenge you if you find that verse above to be a simple pill to swallow, read it again.  Do you really believe all of that? I thought I did.  Do you believe that you are his beloved child? Do you believe that you can love anyone simply because you yourself are loved by the God most high?  But most importantly is your faith personal?  Do you believe that Christ died for you knowing you for the mess that you are?  That He died for you specifically?  Because He did.  

 -Walk In Love Friends...because you are loved!

It's been awhile.

I've taken a break for some time.   Life in general has swallowed me whole and somedays getting dressed seems like it should be optional as the day disappears. 

In the last months we have been studying the book of Ephesians in church and have been humbled and challenged over the ideas and callings we have in the area of community.  Jager's like to live in a life connected this is nothing new for us, but maybe the way in which we practice that has been stretched and tried and renewed.  We are called by God to a life of togetherness.  A life of speaking the gospel and its it truth to one another, a life of confession and reminder and practice of his grace and mercy.  The togetherness part we got, how to practice it as a reflection of what Christ has done for us has been the challenge.  But boy the difference it has made.  I feel peace that I have never felt before.

The kids and I have jumped full into school.  We have taken on some lofty goals but believe that we can not only meet them but surpass them.  It has been challenging yet fulfilling as we count on God to give us the self control and focus that we need each day to complete what we need to complete.  Each day is different and comes with its own set of success and difficulties but that is okay.  

This year Elliot is taking on the task of completing two separate math curriculums.  His interests and gifting has given him a great desire to excel in this area and we see the benefit in giving him all he can handle for a leg up there.  Language Arts has been fun this year too as he is not as resistant to writing and expressing himself on paper....we still have a long way to come in this area but we are thankful for the direction and guidance we have received with our curriculum in hand and are humbling stepping forward in this are to do the best we can do.   Teaching Elliot in the subject of Language Arts has been a challenge of grace and love for me....his resistance has a way of quickly making me crabby and instead of that reaction I have been challenged to teach him in different ways that meet him where he is rather then demanding that he do it the way that is easy for me.  

Grace, Oh Grace.  Grace is making leaps and bounds this year in school.  I have been reminded that third grade is a transition year time and time again.  Her abilities have been strengthened and stretched and she is much more willing to push through things she finds difficult.  We are focusing on staying right on her third grade schedule for her core subjects while adding in some challenge reading and writing projects.  Creative writing proves to be her strength, she comes up with some of the neatest ideas as a way to express herself.  We are slowly getting to the root of her anxiety when presented with new things and working independently.  Homeschooling has given us the opportunity to retell her again and again that she is in fact not alone in this world or in her schoolwork.  And that failure in her schoolwork does not define who she is and that second chances are a real thing.  The message of grace for Grace has been a solid key in schooling her and it has "schooled" me as well.  

Together as a group (of 3:) we are focusing on learning the apologetics.  It has been fun to rehash why we believe what we believe together. In science we are learning about Gods creation on the fifth day as it relates to zoology which drops us right into the depths of the sea and surrounds us with his creatures.  We have decided to study this book with a couple of other families and we get together to do the larger projects together at the end of each chapter....community proves to be fun and rewarding.  History is the last subject and we are using two separate curriculums to cover it, one focuses one that focuses on the middle ages, and the other is a study of each continent and its cultures as well as the influence of missionary work respectively for each one.

In addition to all of that the kids are still going to the little school house just down the road for core studies on Monday and extra curricular programs on Friday.  Elliot is participating in chess, karate and an art class as well as P.E.   Grace is enjoying irish dance, art and drama as well as P.E.  We feel really thankful to be part of this program as the kids have built many relationships there and get a chance to be away from me;)

This post may have bored you to the core.  However it is the first question that most people ask me when we are catching up.  And rightfully so as we spend close to 20 hours of our week focusing on school.

I promise something more exciting next time.