Tuesday, January 4, 2011

In Waves

I have been thinking lately about life and myself and how much our lives are constantly changing. How God never wants you to stay the same He continually is creating situations in which to help you draw closer to Him. Situations to remind you to trust, depend and walk with Him.

Life really comes in waves, doesn't it.?

I was thinking of major milestones and how I felt as each one happened, how at any moment I can conjure up a very precise memory of each event. On my wedding day I remember physically and mentally feeling a chapter close and new one opening however now I think it was a completely different book that began. I remember the first moment I laid eyes on my tiny baby boy and thinking this is it, it will no longer be the two of us, we will forever be a family. I remember having Grace and knowing that we were complete, that our family would not be growing in number any further than four and feeling contented beyond comprehension. I remember buying our house and for the first time in my lifetime feeling at home. Feeling comfortable in my surroundings and feeling safe. There have been many more experiences than this. There have also been smaller circumstances...watching the kids reach milestones and growth spurts and be changed by each one.

In each one of these major milestones I have been changed. It comes in waves the good, the bad, the ugly. I am just always amazed that God can use each circumstance....nothing goes to waste in his kingdom.

In this I have also found that He uses new joys to heal old hurts. The history God is creating in our little family of four more often than not now takes the place of my history and my childhood and adolescent hurts.

The fact that Brian and I have refused to make a more than 5 minute plan because that seems that's all God allows us to have, also makes for an interesting journey. But don't get me wrong there is nothing I would change, it is what makes me me, Each circumstance.

These thoughts were stirred today when I heard of a person I know, whose house burnt to the ground on Christmas Eve. None of her family was hurt, however her home had burnt to the ground all of her earthly possessions gone. She made the comment she didn't really even know who she was in this. She also expressed her overall gratitude for her and her families safety and the support she had been receiving from her community. She has Jesus in her heart she said she is in constant prayer during this time in attempt to cover her grief. I can not imagine the amount of pain she must be going through right now. The anxiety and uneasiness must be paralyzing. I know that she trusts as do I that when this is all resolved to the point that it can be Gods goodness will prevail and He will use this circumstance to change her, to mold her into his likeness.

I was wondering though about how she said she didn't know who she was in this, this me wonder if any of us really know who we are.

Sure I know i am first and foremost a daughter of my heavenly father, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, and so on and so forth. But other than the first mentioned title the rest are really just roles that I play in this world. Not to say they are important, however it is really what brought me to the point of being a mother, wife etc. and how I am made to handle each of these titles that has made me who I am. It is the journey before and after that defines me. It is the waves of the good, the bad and the ugly that have pushed me up on the sand gasping for air sometimes that has shaped me into Jessica Jager. And in my opinion if that is not forever changing then I must not be really living. I believe that as long as I am on this earth I will forever be clay in my Fathers hands being molded into whatever masterpiece he must see in me.

And I rest in this!

Not sure why I can't simplify my minds thoughts it is what it is I suppose, I suppose it is part of what makes me me.

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