Wednesday, January 16, 2013

My life.

I have had a few moments over the last weeks that strike a chord with me in the form of sadness maybe even longing. But mostly a lot of realization. And realization is positive in all forms for me. Realization helps me to move forward, helps to be to be thankful and pushes me to make records of my blessings.

In the last months I have experienced the slowest times I have ever had in the last 10 years for sure. I have plenty of time to sit and wonder and reflect and pray and laugh and enjoy things around me. It is a chance for me to stop and smell the roses. However it is hard to not sometimes be sad. The thought...I miss my life...came to mind the other day. It was an interesting thought because where I am now, how I am living now and what I am experiencing now is my life. And if I truly believe that I am where in fact God has led me my life is exactly as it should be. The latter is the hardest pill to swallow.

The things I miss may be obvious but I am not sure that you would know how hard it is to uproot unless you have done it. Because the smaller things are the hardest. The things in your life or the changes in your life that you could have never changed had you stayed where you were are sometimes the things you miss the most. The normalcy of what used to be is something that you long for.

We have made some permanent changes over this time and that is exciting and terrifying all in one. We have moved away from Lynden and will now have no option of returning in the job that we currently hold which means we aren't coming back....big swallow tears butterflies enter here.....which means my home will never be lived in again by my little family and I miss the security that those walls offered. We have moved my grandmother in with us and although this has been a complete and overwhelming blessing I worry about her in a whole new way, I pray my little family makes her feel like a part of it, I pray she feels secure and knows that we will care for her when she needs us to. We left our friends....we have no friends here and being a person who loves connection it is hard when your connection is hundreds of mile away....It is scary to know that we will all move on, that I will miss all the big stuff and the little stuff too. I am no longer the auntie that had weekly drop ins of her little lovelies, I miss Joshy about a million times more than I ever thought I could, being an auntie to him captivated me and my heart adopted him as a tag along to my other two and my sister allowed me to love him so. We have opened ourselves up to move again after a year here, again terrifying but I will allow God to continue to lead this family wherever he sees fit. Family, oh the ultimate connection the place you always belong,Sunday lunch, birthday dinners, midweek get togethers, grandparent connections for my kids. Responsibilities, I have none outside of this house.

At first the lack of chaos was peaceful, now I want so badly to do something, it is crazy how much your identity is wrapped in things that you do rather than the things that you are. And it is even more ironic that my calling at hand with my little family is probably even more important and crucial than it ever has been...there are a lot of needs to consider. However at the same time as I am trying to figure out "what I do" I am trying to figure out who I am.

So what is my life as of now? It remains a question that I ask God everyday. It seems he has answered part of it in this recent homeschooling chapter. But what I am searching for is far more selfish than that. I want to find me. Sometimes I feel like we left what used to be me in a box in Lynden. This is truly not a poor me moment. So please do not misunderstand. I am just attempting to figure out a new identity that does not include the above mentioned things, and I am not sure what that looks like yet. Right now my identity is wrapped up in everyone else and believe me I am sure that makes me sounds horrible when I say that. I also trust that you all know how much I love my family and how I continually believe that a part of my calling is to be the best mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, auntie, friend I can that supports loves and cares with every fiber of her being. But I am searching for one that is apart from that. And I think that's okay.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

Totally more than ok to find your little piece, Jess. Taking care of everyone else is exhausting and you need time for you and purpose for you.
I would say get your book completed and published. I could honestly read your writings all day. You are so talented!!