Monday, May 3, 2010

My Mom............................................................................

I don't know if she will read this but Mom if you do I write this out of complete love and absolute recognition of what your life has been. And understanding that you have lost control over this.

Not a subject I write about much. If anyone needs to feel the sweet mercies of free falling grace it is this woman. I pray for her every day. I pray that God will bring her to her knees and turn her head so that she can see Him standing there to catch her. You see this may give you the wrong idea about my Mom.....she is not a horrible person. She is a sinner just like you or I. She has been dealt some tough cards and made some interesting choices in the past, but mostly she is just a Mom that loves her kids and her grandkids. A woman that doesn't always know the best way of doing this... but really do any of us? A woman that made choices that have racked her with guilt and a lot of pain. I would not want to trade her places for one second. But I will tell you one thing I love my Mom she has always done the best with what she has and sometimes that's not so much....sometimes its not even enough. She is plagued with much and I am sure freedom seems so far out of reach at this point and I don't really blame her for wanting to give up. I don't blame her for wanting to be done. But I just wish she knew how much I admire her in a lot of ways. I admire her for holding out long enough to raise my sister and I the best she could....for picking a man that not only loves her more than most could but also loved her children. And a lot more that I can't share on here.

Why am I writing this???? I can't go into a lot of detail right now. But I will ask if you are the praying kind to please offer up some for my mom tonight. You see she is no longer able to fight off the demons that plague her and she has finally asked for help and I just pray it works this time. Could you pray too? Pray that she will allow for the help to work. Pray that she won't give up because she will die if she does. Pray that she will be strong enough to block thoughts that you wouldn't want to live with for a second. Pray that she will let us visit when she is ready. Pray that she will find in her words, "a spiritual side to her life." Pray for us to be strong to be supportive but not enabling. Pray that my children will only need to know bits and pieces about this mess.

1 comment:

Julie said...

Jessica, my eyes are tearing up reading your love and concern for your mom, in spite of all the heartache. What a blessing you are as a daughter for her and I am sorry you have to go through these things with your mom. No one should have to. She AND YOU and your family are in my prayers.