Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dear You......An Ode to What Could Have Been

Dear You,

I heard that you moved on from this earth on Friday night. You would be surprised to know that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I really couldn't catch my breath. Millions of thoughts ran through my head at the same time, yet all I wanted to do was breath so I could run to my sister wherever she was. I had planned to see you on Monday, I wanted to come and tell you so many things and remind you that I loved you even though the last 5 years have been beyond horrible.

I guess thats where this conversation starts. Part of the reason I had to separate myself from you is because you weren't able to be the Dad of my childhood anymore. Your moods were unpredictable, and this was hard for me but it was hard on my children as well. It made me so sad to see you slip farther and farther away from who I knew you would want to be if you were all there. But you weren't. So on Monday I wanted to explain this, I wanted to tell you how much I loved you for the good times in spite of all of the bad.

I wanted to tell you that I would keep my promise that I made to you 17yrs ago when my brother was born, that I would look out for my brother and sister and keep us connected no matter what happened to you. I am keeping my promise, and I won't break it. I am helping them both now as much as I can and I will continue to.

I wanted to tell you I always hoped that all of these problems would go away so that we could have some sort of relationship. That I hoped some day you would have been able to get the help you needed so things could be better. I always held out hope that you would come to me in a gentle way and ask to fix it all.

I wanted to explain to you that there were so many other things that had happened in the last 4 years to complicate this situation even further.

Mostly though I wanted to tell you about Jesus' love for you, and I didn't. I wish I had gotten the chance, I continue to pray that someone did.

Brian drug me out of the house by my toes yesterday morning for our breakfast date, I didn't want to go, I wanted to lay around and be confused. Instead he took me to one of my favorite places, and there happened to be a man there singing and playing a guitar and he was playing all our old favorites, the ones you made me sing to you on long car rides as a kid. It was bittersweet to me. I thought of you and I remembered you telling me a couple of weeks ago that you weren't mean anymore, and I wanted to tell you I was not mad anymore.

I love you...and am sad about what could have been.


1 comment:

Ed / Julie said...

Dear Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for peace for you and your family.