I have experienced the joy of new life this week, and I was given news of death approaching rather quickly for someone else. I know as well that my sister must be experiencing these same exact feelings yet different at the same time.
After I literally scooped myself up off the floor and went back to cooking a rhubarb pie-baking is my ultimate stress relief go to...my anti-drug-my neighbor walked through the door and pulled me into her arms for a hug it was so wonderful. She is so wonderful and she understands this time more than most would, she has been down the same road in her own way.
I want to share a bit of what is going on without stepping on the toes of others, so in that I will attempt to be super sensitive.
I grew up with a dad just as most of you did. He made a lot of mistakes, just as many of yours did. His mistakes affected me, my sister and my brother in many ways. Ways that shaped me, scarred me and molded me into who I am today. I believe he did the best with what he had to do it with, however sometimes your best just isn't enough.
This is where I will break to tell you that this may sound insensitive but it is actually quite the opposite.
In recent years I decided to cut contact with him for reasons I am not sure would be worth explaining. However I can say I don't regret my decision, it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but after much prayer and even more counseling I knew my decision had been made from a right heart and mind for the situation at hand.
However in making this choice I hurt a lot of people, this hurt me as well. I had to lose a lot of relationships, with my grandmother, my brother and many more. I am not telling you this to justify my choice or make anyone feel bad for me I am more just explaining the situation.
Following the disintegration of that relationship more secrets that caused more hurts and confusion were revealed which furthered the distance and if possible made the chances of that relationship ever being repaired even slimmer.
I must say although I had much doubt that I was doing the right thing sometimes God makes you step out in faith and make the decision feeling that He is right behind you. And in the last month I couldn't feel more right in my choices. And mostly in relation to my children not to me.
Well now as you can already gather, this man the dad of my childhood is in his last days. Much to the surprise of others this is painful for me, I am experiencing grief for a man that I thought I had said goodbye to. I know this is confusing for others in my life as well. I will not apologize for it, in fact me explaining it is more that I thought I would do. However this blog is my safe spot. My soft spot. My journal, my place to stack up rocks to place hold different points in my life. So here goes.
Although there are countless amounts of bad times there were quite a few good ones as well, and for the longest time I have been able to separate them completely almost as if I experienced them with two completely different people. This man taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me how to fish, he taught it was no big deal to pee in the woods if there is no outhouse when you are fishing and he is partly responsible for turning this pansy from a shoe princess to a little bit of a toughie when it comes to surviving. Even typing these things brings a smile to my face. However the bad clouds these things quickly especially in recent years and that is why I am in the situation I am in.
I went to see him for the first time in 4 years about 2 weeks ago. It was the most frightening, and anxiety ridden morning thus far. I needed to go to close the door to forgive him, and by the grace of God I was able to complete what I sought out to do. And with the forgiveness came a peace that I had longed for for some time. I can not explain it, but I had to feel it in order to experience the grief I am feeling now. And in it I know that God will show me something in it, because the hardest times are the times you grow the most.
I long to visit him one last time. It is confusing for me. Part of me has naively wished and prayed for reconciliation and a day where he would come to me to fix everything. The feeling has been much like the feeling I had as a child when my parents got divorced, the dream that someday they would get back together and everything would be magically different and repaired. Well that was in no way on Gods green earth going to happen when I was a kid and I need to be o.k. with that dream not coming true now, because all possibility is lost. This is the hardest part I think. However I know I can hold out for the day that Jesus comes back and God restores the wretched world and all of this hurt, sorrow, confusion and sadness will be taken away. And He will!
Once again I may have shared to much, but not sharing was making me feel worse. Please pray for his family, especially my sister and brother, they are losing a man that was very present in their lives, their dad.
I love this hymn, I am clinging to its truth!
God on the Mountain
Life is easy when you're up on the mountain
And you've got peace of mind like you've never known.
But then things change and you're down in the valley.
Don't lose faith for you're never alone.
For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
You talk of faith when you're up on the mountain.
Oh but the talk comes easy when life's at its best.
But it's down in the valley of trials and temptation
That's when faith is really put to the test.
For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
No comments:
Post a Comment