Friday, May 27, 2011

Dear Life....and Love...and Heartache...and Healing

It hit me this morning. While running through the woods in the rain with 12 or so other crazy women it hit me....much like I hoped it would. It meaning all of my experiences over the last month.

I have experienced new life, death, fear, hope, longing, anticipation, relief, a need for comfort, love, reminiscing, and a need to keep pushing forward. The need to push forward is something I have been experiencing since I was at least 4 although I am sure it started long before. 4 years old is the first time I remember the emotion so strong to want to cry, to want to break but knowing deep down that I needed to move forward, surprisingly I was 4 years old when I taught myself how to pray. And boy have I felt this is the last month! The good news is in these times I have learned that what doesn't kill you or rather what you don't let win will make you stronger. It will also be what you need to pull yourself out of the mud puddles and holes you find yourself in. The mud may still be up to your knees and you may have sweat on your brow from all the pushing and pulling it takes to get through, but the best part is you can look behind yourself and smile knowing you weren't alone in that hole, nope God was right there and even though you felt you were all alone he was there giving you a boost the whole way through. Then you smile at that hole and you may even taunt it a bit...knowing its no match for you and what you have chosen to steer your life. And this is when the healing begins.

I am so blessed it hurts sometimes. My life is so full even from the outside when it looks like everything is crumbling. I have so much to be thankful for!! And the difference between me and that little red headed 4 year old girl is I have so much to keeping pushing for, so much to hope for and look forward to! Somewhere down deep she must have known that it would look up someday, that there was a greater truth out there than the one she knew, and she survived because of it. She and I survived because of someone so much bigger than the daily problems we face.

We all have them, problems, and I have said this before, the only thing that makes mine different than yours is that they are mine:)

1 comment:

Jeff and Andrea Ashmore Family said...

You write so eloquently, Jess. I can so relate!
You were a bright 4 year old and it goes to show that Heavenly Father was preparing you then for what you are facing now.