You see I knew this information was coming. I knew the walls I built for myself to protect me would be broken. I knew that all I would have was God. I knew that I would be angry. I knew that I would be even more confused. But what I knew most was that God was going to ask me to do something that would shake me with fear...and I wasn't ready in my own mind, nor would I ever be.
I heard Gods voice so much yesterday, more than I have ever heard Him in one day. He knew I would need Him, that no matter how others tried to comfort me He would be the only one that could.
You see my childhood was nothing close to storybook. There is so much dirt and grime that even though I do have good memories it never fails that the grime tries to sneak in. And even though I am a nearly 30 yr old woman it follows me. Even though God has blessed me with the most amazing little family and life in the world, the grime follows. Because it is not mine to get rid of it is inescapable. Sin is real! And believe me when you read in the Bible that your sin will affect the generations to come, God is not kidding around. That is what I am dealing with, others sin. And it seems that every time I become ok with things and get close to forgiving in comes another blow.
The grime is what found me yesterday.
I am not complaining I have come to know that it is through these circumstances that God refines me the most. I am thankful for my beginning, in fact I know that although in this community in which I live most people would cringe at the picture of my life, -and this is where the embarrassment and shame tries to creep in I am not feeling those things anymore because those feelings are based on pride which is a sin- I can walk tall and proud because God chose me and He continually pulls me through. We all have our own stuff that we go thorough at different times and my stuff is no different than anyone else's, except that it is mine. Our stuff is what makes each one of us different from the other and what makes us different makes us stronger and more capable of doing God's will.
It is in these times that I know that He is with me the most and He does not leave my side. He is constantly prompting me and comforting me and giving me the strength to keep going. In fact it would have been easier to crawl under a rock yesterday, but instead I moved forward. It was difficult. But moving forward is the only choice I have really. My children will not be affected by this. They will instead live the legacy of perseverance and hope and strength through a Savior that is so much bigger than the sin in this world. And that is one of the ways I can be a true rockstar.
I still have to deal with the news of yesterday what God has asked me to do is still in my near future. I will have to face it and what results there after. And event though I am scared I know that I will be ok.
The verses I turn to the most for strength are found in 2 Corinthians and I like how the Message says it the best.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 from the Message
Satans angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think it a gift, and begged God to remove it Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take my limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
This is how I have felt for some time and even though I fall from my knees to my face from time to time I can still raise my head. Because God will lift it.