I am going with blessing. Although the pain that comes with it sometimes is almost to much to bear. The worry and anxiety is something I struggle with pushing to the side almost daily. God calls me to trust but I find it difficult and almost impossible sometimes. And doesn't he call me to care and provide safety and nurture. How is one to do this when there is no answer as to what help to give. No consoling that helps. No teachable moments to be had.
I don't sleep anymore as I shared in the previous post. And it is not just because my son is waking so much. Nope in all actuality it has nothing to do with that because although the waking every now and again is tiresome, you can go back to sleep and wait for the next to come. The worry in the unknown is way worse. I worry that he may fall out of bed, that he may sleepwalk and fall down the stairs, that he may hurt himself, stop breathing, that I won't hear his cry. I know this sounds dramatic. But what we have been experiencing with this child in the last couple of months is terrifying.
We went to the Dr. on Tuesday and got a few possible answers and we have found out that it is likely not night terrors that we have been experiencing. It is very likely it is something else entirely. After the nurse left the room before the Dr. came in I saw worry overcome my boy. I asked him what was troubling him.....his reply,"I guess I am just contemplating if this is serious?" Yes he is a 60 year old man stuck in an 8 year old body. I reassured him that everything was going to be okay. We were at the Dr. for help and that is what we would receive. As I was talking to him I found that I wasn't only reassuring him but myself as well. I found that I needed those exact words.
Don't get me wrong I am fully aware that sleep deprivation has set in making me ultra sensitive to anything. But I think even without the deprivation I would be sensitive, I would be worried, and impatient. What is about a mothers need to make sure everything is alright? That we feel this all consuming need to make sure that our kids feel, safe, loved and cared for? Once again I am reminded that this Mom stuff is not for sissies. That this mom stuff is given to us not only to bless but to grow us up into the women we are to become. We are servants in His kingdom, we have a desire because He has given it to us. We have our children to serve a purpose. To bring more into His kingdom to serve. Oh but the trusting is hard and the thing I preach the most about being a mother (they are not really ours) is the hardest thing to believe right now. The reality of me needing to let God have them and hold them is hard, but its true and the sooner I get there the sooner the peace will come. I am trying....its hard.