Last night was horrible. Elliot slept in 30 minute intervals until 2 oclock when he finally woke up for real and declared that he was awake and not happy about it. Praise God at this point I could give him some Melatonin and he slept until 8.
As I lay awake in his bed this is what I thought about...
-First I prayed every biblical piece of protection I could over the sweet little boy. Then I claimed for him all of the biblical truths I could think of.
- Then I thought about Grace who is all of the sudden experiencing separation anxiety and wondered if it is stemming from what is going on with her brother. I feel bad that she gets the short end of the attention stick sometimes. Our entire existence seems to be wrapped around the E man lately. But guilt will not get the best of me...it is just a season.
- I thought about my hubby and how much I love him. I thought about how far we have come in 15 years. Let me tell you its been a long way.
-I thought about the need for a run. I just wanted to run....and run and run. And I did this morning but boy was it cold.
-I thought about Brians job and all of the opportunities that lie in it.
-I thought about how overwhelmed I am. I prayed that God would give me rest and peace and take away my anxiety.
-I thought about how lost I am in parenting my little boy right now. I have always felt like I am doing my best until recently. I feel like I have no idea what to do. My prayers for him do not bring peace....and leaves me a mess. I cried so hard on my home from taking them to school today. I cried to God and asked him to fix it, to give me the answers to make me trust. I need to trust. Elliot's teacher gave me hug this morning and told me I was the best mom for Elliot. Part of me didn't believe her. I am tired and discouraged and I know neither of these feelings come from God which makes it so much worse.
-I thought of warm beaches in Costa Rica. This gave me peace for awhile.
-I thought about school auction and the responsibilities that lie there. Along with all of the work yet to be done.
- I thought about a marriage conference we are going to this weekend and wished I could cancel so I could watch over my boy.
And then I was back to anxiety. Uhhhh the wretched beast reared its ugly head once again. I'm a mess right now. But I know that God will prevail in this situation. I know he already knows how to heal my little man and he will in His time.
One praise is that I called the neurologist in tears yesterday and they moved his appointment up a week(they probably think I am crazy...whatever).....so hopefully Tuesday we will have some news:) I know so many of you are praying for Elliot and I so appreciate it so much.