Friday, January 27, 2012

What I was thinking about from 10pm to 2 am.....

Sleep Sleep Sleep. I prayed this over and over and over last night as I laid next to my son last night. By the way don't feel to bad for me that kid has the most comfortable bed in the house. When my Grandpa was still alive Elliot complained about his brand new mattress so my Grandpa went out and bought him the most amazing mattress topper.

Last night was horrible. Elliot slept in 30 minute intervals until 2 oclock when he finally woke up for real and declared that he was awake and not happy about it. Praise God at this point I could give him some Melatonin and he slept until 8.

As I lay awake in his bed this is what I thought about...

-First I prayed every biblical piece of protection I could over the sweet little boy. Then I claimed for him all of the biblical truths I could think of.

- Then I thought about Grace who is all of the sudden experiencing separation anxiety and wondered if it is stemming from what is going on with her brother. I feel bad that she gets the short end of the attention stick sometimes. Our entire existence seems to be wrapped around the E man lately. But guilt will not get the best of is just a season.

- I thought about my hubby and how much I love him. I thought about how far we have come in 15 years. Let me tell you its been a long way.

-I thought about the need for a run. I just wanted to run....and run and run. And I did this morning but boy was it cold.

-I thought about Brians job and all of the opportunities that lie in it.

-I thought about how overwhelmed I am. I prayed that God would give me rest and peace and take away my anxiety.

-I thought about how lost I am in parenting my little boy right now. I have always felt like I am doing my best until recently. I feel like I have no idea what to do. My prayers for him do not bring peace....and leaves me a mess. I cried so hard on my home from taking them to school today. I cried to God and asked him to fix it, to give me the answers to make me trust. I need to trust. Elliot's teacher gave me hug this morning and told me I was the best mom for Elliot. Part of me didn't believe her. I am tired and discouraged and I know neither of these feelings come from God which makes it so much worse.

-I thought of warm beaches in Costa Rica. This gave me peace for awhile.

-I thought about school auction and the responsibilities that lie there. Along with all of the work yet to be done.

- I thought about a marriage conference we are going to this weekend and wished I could cancel so I could watch over my boy.

And then I was back to anxiety. Uhhhh the wretched beast reared its ugly head once again. I'm a mess right now. But I know that God will prevail in this situation. I know he already knows how to heal my little man and he will in His time.

One praise is that I called the neurologist in tears yesterday and they moved his appointment up a week(they probably think I am crazy...whatever) hopefully Tuesday we will have some news:) I know so many of you are praying for Elliot and I so appreciate it so much.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

This post brings me to tears. I am with his teacher, you are the best mom Elliot could ever have!

Jessica please come to my class on Tuesday if you can. I sent you and evite. This lady is a wealth of knowledge and I know she will have answers for you. I seriously feel like I owe my health to her.

Hope you enjoyed your weekend.

Running is my stress relief as well. I wish we lived closer so we could run together!!!