We have spent a lot of time on the water of the last few days. As you know the water speaks to my sole. I grew up on it. Boats and fishing and crabbing and more fishing that was part of my growing up. The water was something I not only loved but respected. It is something that makes me excited but also terrifies me.
On Saturday Brian had to work in Friday Harbor and he was going to take the boat across instead of the ferry. Not our boat. My inlaws bought another boat a couple of months ago to fill the void of their missing big boat that din't make it into the water this year. My father in law not only allows us to use it pretty much whenever but insisted that we all know the ins and outs of running it. It has been more than fun. But back to Saturday. Seeing as the kids and I had no plans...this never happens and it was over the top beautiful out we decided to invite ourselves along. Yep it was apparently take your family to work day for the Beejer.
Onto the deep stuff. For some reason over the last couple of years I have developed a moderate to severe case of anxiety induced PTSD. You may laugh or tell me it can't be but there is no other way to describe it. The last few years of being a mom has shown me how scary it can be and one day I became the nervous nelly I never wanted to turn into. My kids stand on something tall I 'm afraid they are going to fall and break their faces open (cause it happened), They run ahead of me I'm afraid I 'm am going to lose them (because that happened), so you get the picture. So the boat it freaks me out. I brace my entire body in away in which it can not be jostled and I try to keep one hand on a child at all times. In my opinion when we left on Saturday it could take us 4 hours to get there if it meant we were slow going and no one was going to fall off. In all reality no one was going to fall off and we were going to fine. You see all the bad scary stuff that has happened to my kids has turned out fine. God was there every time teaching me that he would be there , teaching me that he always is with my kids and with me. Protecting us and providing for us.
So why am I so scared?
On the way home from Friday Harbor I asked my self that question, over and over. When did this start? Why? It turns out I should tell you I like to be in control. Its a sin. Its part of who I am but its a sin and I need to fix it. I need to let go. I need to let God. And I need to realize what I know to be true will always be as such. He will always be with us, and he will always protect us. He allows us to experience hard things to teach us how to handle whats to come and it is good for us. Me worrying is not fun for me or anyone else. It is stressful and painful and such.
The other thing I know about myself is that I like to do things right, I have a fear of screwing this mom thing up. It is big and it is real for me. I want my kids to grow up in an environment in which they feel safe and loved, cared for and supported in. I want them to grow up happy and sure. I want them to have a family they can be proud of. Oh boy am I humbled in this daily. I so don't have this thing figured out and I am learning daily raising my kids has so little to do with my decisions and so much to do with my obedience and faith in God. If I worry less and trust more it goes so much smoother.
As I got off of the boat on Saturday I realized how wonderful the day had been. The kids and I I had lunch together. We played a new game while we waited for Beej to be finished. And we even had ice cream. God had provided us with sun in the sky to warm our backs and melt our cones. And I thought to myself as my feet hit the ground and we were all safe....even if we hadn't been I am so incredibly blessed beyond measure. Blessings come in all different shapes and sizes you just have to give yourself a chance to see them as such.
When we got on the boat on Monday to drop the crab pots Brian said oh I think you are starting to like this. I liked it before I just had a new perspective:)
Speaking of anxiety and control we put the kids in school and they start tomorrow. I feel reassured this will be the best for them no matter how this situation of moving turns out. My new thought is normalcy is the best way to keep sanity. So for now we are approaching things with the mentality that we aren't going anywhere. I went and paid our deposit yesterday and was met in the halls of our beautiful little school with smiles from our teachers and true words of care and concern over our situation. Words of,"we will keep you as long as we can." Questions that apply personally to my kids from people who love them for who they are. This school has been a blessing through this time just as it has proven to be over the last 5 years. I am convinced it is the best place for my kids. So tomorrow we head into convocation-the best start to anyones school year- and give our school year to God. I will likely shed a few tears not because I am worried or sad but because I am so thankful my kids can go into a school year with these thoughts fresh in their minds with the idea that their lives belong to something so much bigger then themselves.