I struggled with getting out of bed yesterday. If I were being honest I would say that church was the last place I wanted to go. This last week was dark. Praying was even hard and I started to doubt that what I thought was God's plan was maybe just our own desire. Truth is this move has been so difficult. I am now homeschooling as you know which is a blessing but also very difficult when you don't have any family or friends around to offer you relief or help or a coffee date. On top of that Brian has been gone much of the past three weeks, Tri-cities for 3 days, Bellevue for 3 days and Now Vegas this week for 4 days. Him being gone means I am alone most of the time with my cherubs and grandma....to say I am lonely would be an understatement. It has been hard in all of this to be the wife and the mother I so strive to be. And in this I have become a doubting Thomas and a negative Nellie.
I have had plenty of time to realize what I miss and to develop that into a strong description of what I think home is.
Home to me is a little blue house, on a quiet street, surrounded by houses full of sweet children that count on me for popsicles and fresh cookies. Home to me is a place where my friends gather several times a week and raid my pantry and fridge for snacks, where we pack my dining room full of people until it resembles a sardine can and laughter can be heard form miles away. Home to me is a school filled with lovely friends and families, whose children love mine....a school that resembles a Cheers of sorts where everyone knows your name and you k now theirs as well. Home to me means hands that are busy and hearts that are full, a long list of to do's, wants and helps needed by others. Home to me is a church where you fit just right and people notice when you are gone. Home to me is grandparent's for my children, and sleepovers and McDonalds dates. Home to me is my nephew running through my house terrorizing anything that can be moved and begging me for fresh snacks. Home is being part of a community that is made up of strong give and takes, support, love and laughter.
I suppose you can say that I have been homesick and it has developed into a bit of sepsis. The sepsis has infected my every movement, I have allowed it to rob me of simple joys and this existence here has become a bit of a routine rather than a life.
Well Sunday's are important. The routine of it is sometimes what gets us there and it is so important to me that my kids get there every week. That they are at least somewhat in part a part of something bigger. That they are fed the promises they so much need. That they feel untied in fellowship with others. And so yesterday I pulled my miserable bum out of bed, got dressed and we all went on our way. I felt grumpy on the way to church....which is the wrong way to feel. I was just sure that I would feel like that through the whole service. But what I forgot that God is bigger than my grouchy heart. And what do you know the sermon was on the concept of "home" and what that means to us as Christians. And boy did I need to hear it. It is a sermon I have heard dozens of times....we all know where our one true home really is and it can't be found here. I was reminded that my home is with God in heaven and this is all just temporal. That so much of what I long for can be found with Him and in Him alone. And to tell you the truth i had avoided Him most of the past week. It hurt to much to pray or to read my Bible.
I was reminded yesterday of another time that I had felt this way. Before we moved into our little blue house we moved into a little apartment in Bellingham. I was pregnant with Grace, sick, on bed rest, chasing an almost 2 year old busy boy around and house shopping. I didn't want to be in that apartment, I didn't want to be sick, I wanted my toddler to take a nap, but most of all I was searching for this feeling of home. I remember during this time every time I would stop and pray I would weep. I would weep the whole time I prayed, every time I opened my Bible the same emotion would happen, I would weep as soon as I opened the cover. I would weep because I felt I was missing something and believe that something was God. It was a hard time, one that I look back on with a mix of emotions. In fact it is a time I can now think back on and be thankful for. In the end God blessed me immeasurably. In that new home he created for us we were able to experience so many things...good, bad, sad and happy.
And I suppose that this chapter I am currently in is very reminiscent of my time then 8 years ago. I was waiting for something but I was choosing to wait with God for that something to happen. And there lies the difference between then and now, I was waiting with God.
Yesterday was a hard one. I struggled with what I had been feeling and where I needed to be. And so now I move forward. I move forward with God and I am again weeping in my Bible but I will get through. I am not sure how, but the good thing is that God does. There is so much uncertainty and that has been my excuse to disconnect. I had been given so much stability in that little blue house and I suppose there inlies its very own problem. God is not only my stability, my comfort, my strength, my community but He is my HOME.
Yesterday ended so well. I got bold and I invited another family form school over to watch the Super Bowl. The four of us were so excited for this time to fellowship. I was able to cook and clean in preparation for others. Grace decorated the house with "football" decorations. And Elliot got out all sorts of toys to entertain the kids. And we had a glorious time. God blessed us with people we had things in common with. Children for my children to play with. And an all around great even spent with others. And I didn't forget to thank Him for it!
My heavenly home is settled and I trust that we can be given an earthly one too in time.