I read today that the phrase "do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. I guess that is a reminder to be fearless.
It is so hard to remember this sometimes. I cannot possibly count the times I have been afraid in the last months since we started this chapter with Elliot. What a waste my God must think of the time I have spent afraid and worried. Why is so hard to trust for us mothers when it comes to our kids. I can not speak for all mothers but I have talked to enough of them that I know am not alone in this feeling. I can trust with my finances, my marriage, my job, my church, most of my family but when it comes to those two little cherubs I get all mother bear and want to hide them in a cave. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it all. I have to be the one to protect. But how many times have I preached that my children are only mine on loan? It's a reality check if I really do believe that statement. If I really believe that they belong to my God then I must leave them in His hands to fix and protect. I must only worry about that which I can control which is not much:) This thought and proclamation alone is enough to make me worry and be filled with fear. But it is what I must do.
We waited all week for the Dr. to call as they had promised and they didn't. I was angry, I was worried, I was discouraged....and I can't help to think that God is using this to do a mighty work within me. Teaching me patience and trust. Every night I pray without ceasing and I am ashamed to admit I wake feeling faithless and empty. I know my God is with me....I mean that. I know he is watching over all of us....I mean that. However, I feel as if he doesn't hear me right now and that is so frustrating. I also feel guilty because I know ultimately we are healthy and happy. I know many of you and many others have got it and have gone through things so much more trying and consuming than what we are experiencing. I guess I am just tired of the tiny glimpse of the fatigue and exhaustion that comes from having a child that suffers from something that seems chronic at least right now. Somedays feel as if they are so long I could fall asleep just about anywhere. In fact I am not a napper I find them to be a waste of time (for me), but I have taken more naps in the last few months then in my whole life and this is not me being dramatic.
This all being said God always has a word to remind me of how I need to feel, a word about where I should turn and how I should walk.
I like the Messages version of Isaiah 41:10 -
Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
If He has a firm grip I can let go:)
I hope my realization meets you somewhere as well. Its rough being a mom....I told my MIL the other day it was just stupid this mom stuff:) And Jagers don't even say stupid by the way. I guess I was mostly referring to how crazy I can get when it comes to my children....I know I'm not alone. There is a reason for the bond we feel with them. God intends for us to love them like no other and I suppose the extra comfort I feel in this is when I compare this with how much God must love my kids! There is nothing that compares to His love and i need to learn to trust in it more.
Hope you had a blessed Sunday. The mountains in our area were so amazing today, covered in fresh snow with the sun shining so brightly on them making them appear as that of a painting. Breathtaking, my God made those too!!