Saturday, April 24, 2010

I am going to try and say so long insecurity....

I am going to be bold and share a few things that hopefully won't offend anyone. That being said I know that there are parts of my life that make some shudder...heck there are parts of my life that make me shudder. I will not go into a ton of detail here because a lot of my experiences need to be kept private because they don't only involve me, they involve family and others that I need to respect. That being said if you read this and are offended I didn't intend that so please trust me when I say that.

There are many things that I have brought these thoughts up recently, the most recent would be the Beth Moore Simulcast i attended today. It made think a lot about my insecurities the things that make me tick the things that make me upset and I realize a lot of it has to do with pride. Insecurity really equals pride, Beth was so right.

Recently my feelings were hurt. At the time I could not express why I was so hurt but I think after today it has all come full circle and I get it. My feelings at the time seemed to be rooted around the fact that someone had shared some information about some struggles I was going through with my family. I was so mad, really so embarrassed. Now I need to say sorry. You know who you are, you know how I reacted at what I know in your mind was love and concern. My reaction was the reaction I know all to well defend and protect. Love is hard for me to accept, it is hard for me to allow others to love me completely because that means I have to trust and trust is way hard for me. I will attempt now to stop talking in riddles and be open and honest the best I can without being embarrassed and prideful.

My childhood was not like many of yours or many of my friends for that matter. It was rough in fact its still rough. There is not a whole lot pretty about it and there are a lot of secrets that lie within it that involve so many others that I couldn't even begin to share at this point. I was not raised in a Christian home...I was raised in a broken home. These are two things that are hard for me to say out loud. I know how silly this must sound...I mean I have not much control over what has happened in my childhood. I will never forget a when a girl in my youth group referred to my parents as pagans...they are not pagans they just aren't Christians. This was one of the last times I openly talked about my parents faith or lack there of I suppose. I have prayed for years that God would use me to bring them the good news and I have come to be comfortable with the simple fact that it may not be my calling. This is embarrassing for me to say. My high school years are full of trying to fit in and giving up of myself in a lot of ways just to feel loved and accepted. This is also embarrassing. In fact that girl makes me feel so sad I wish I could go back and love her and tell her how things would turn out if she would just have let God work fully in her life. So often I think if people were to find out about my real story they would judge and allow it to define me but really it doesn't define me at all. It is part of what has made me who I am and without sounding full of myself I think I can finally say that woman is pretty great.

I am so ready to let go of the burden and let God take it!! I am so ready to not feel insecure about things that were beyond my control and even the things that I could control and actually be bold enough to look around and see how he has used the pain for his good because I know he has and will continue to.

The most beautiful thing is and the thing that I try to remind myself of daily is that God has pulled me pushed me and carried me through all of it. And I can feel secure in his love and grace for me!! So, so long insecurity, you are no friend of mine!! I love who I am and I am going to start loving where I came from. Its a great story and God created it and I am praying that I can use it to honor and bring glory to Him.

No comments: