Monday, May 14, 2012

Mom Stuff...Grace Edition.

God knew I needed a little girl of my own. It wasn't because I needed pink dresses and ponytails and shopping and the like although that is all very fun and lovely. In a strange way Grace has healed me. God has used Grace to heal me. Its not her job and she will never realize but she is so much part of my story. God brought some of my junk full circle through mothering Grace.

After I found out I was pregnant with a girl I started having nightmares, followed by anxiety attacks. I had a insatiable unrealistic need to protect my Grace and I didn't feel like I could do it. I feared the world to be a dangerous place for her. My nightmares were of her experiencing my real life nightmares as a child, experiences that I had experienced, situations I had that I wasn't able to be protected from. It was nothing short of excruciating and painful and damaging for me. It was hard on everyone. Some morning I couldn't leave the house. As soon as Brian lef the house in the morning I would have to check on Elliot and lock all the doors and windows. As you can imagine it wasn't long after all this started I found myself in therapy....much needed and helpful and something I do not feel shame for. Turns out this happens to women like me from time to time. The nightmares are so real its as if every little detail is happening to you again. My therapist said that sometimes pregnancy triggers corners of your mind to open and all of the things you hid and suppressed are pulled to the surface...mix this with pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep and being sick, you have a recipe for disaster. Through the help of my therapist who is a pastor and Gods prompting I was able to work though it all and realize that it had little to do with my mothering abilities and realized Grace would be just fine.

It has been through mothering Grace though that God has been able to heal my hurts, my voids and my scars. He has shown me that I can be the mother I so desired for her, I can protect her and she is being brought up in a world of innocence and grace....two things I wasn't able to have. I am able to give her the things i so deeply desired as a little girl. I am able to give a safe place when she feels unsure and ultimately protect her from the things she finds scary. We have already experienced uneasiness, fear, discomfort and the like, she can tell me, she knows that I will listen and she is only 6. It is a beautiful thing to be Grace's mother.

With Grace comes a lot of fun. She is sassy, she is confident, she is honest and boy does she know what she wants from this world. She is her own girl, with no need to please others and no need to go along with anything she doesn't want to. I may nurture these two things more than most would...I think its quite lovely. She is completely beautiful on the inside as well as the out.

Her blonde hair, dimples and rosebud lips are hard for me to resist. I could just kiss her all day. I told her yesterday, that on Mothers Day I like to hold her hand. She replied with, Mom on everyday you like to hold my hand. She caught me. I just can't get enough of her tiny little hands and everyday they become less tiny.
Grace helping me in the garden.

Gracer I just love ya girl. I say it all the time but I can not wait to see how God uses you in this world. You are an amazing little lady and I love you to the moon and back again!

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